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Your obsession with Japan and its ‘culture’ is distressing and a very obvious sign of one losing their grip on their very existence.
What I would suggest you do is to put down the anime, step away from FurAffinity, and perhaps pick up a piece of literature. The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky and the writings of Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, would be fantastic starts.
I truly am sorry to find you in quagmire and I hope you get the help you need.