ACE VENTURA
PET DETECTIVE

Written by
Jack Bernstein
Tom Shadyac
Jim Carrey

EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.

UPS MAN

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.

UPS MAN

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN

What do you want?

UPS MAN

UPS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN

Most likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I haver an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN

That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.

UPS MAN

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.

UPS MAN

That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.

UPS MAN

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN

Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off.