Merry Christmas Jason

Love you Jay, still thinking of all the fun times we had together. Will for many more years to come.
Happy birthday man

happy belated birthday jay, sorry it's a day late still thinking about you, and missing you just as much.

I wrote a lot for you Jay, and like every other time I try to express myself to you, I delete it all. I'm sorry I'm late to your party like I always am. I love you so much, and I miss you constantly. You still come up regularly in conversations, and I still love sharing stories of when we were younger and would stay up late shooting the ♥♥♥♥ and playing games. No one can replace you Jason, not a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ soul. And I think that's why it hurt so much when you left us. Your presence meant so much to so many people and without you there's this emptiness that hasn't been filled in years. You brought so much joy and laughter and love to everyone who had the pleasure of getting to know you. I wish you were still here with us.

I love you Jason.

It gets easier with Time but the Joy you brought me never goes away.

I miss you a lot still...

I still miss you lots bud, and I hope you know we're all wishing you happy birthday <3

happy birthday jay <3

As the years pass by though, I come to the realization those thoughts are a pointless and futile effort at coping with your passing sooner and sooner every time I go through them. The waves of sadness persist, but as the years turn they slowly become more and more manageable. It certainly doesn't mean you're forgotten - you could never be forgotten - only that accepting reality is something we are gradually learning to manage. That concept brings a new type of sadness of its own.

I at least know you will always be loved and missed by your family and friends.

Forever in our hearts,

Dad

Well Jason, it's about to be what should have been your 24th birthday. It's just unimaginable to me that four years have already passed and we've all been missing you this long.

The world has changed so much during that time period, and I can't help but always wonder what you'd have to say about it. So many of your friends have been going through such developmental years in their lives and I always just find myself torn between wondering what "would coulda shoulda" been (as you told me not to think about in your final words) or just facing the reality that I have no choice but to accept the one you've given all of us.

We've all changed so much in the four years as well... everything that's changed in your sister's life, selling the old house this year, your mother's line of work, my hobbies.... I just see things that I think you would have enjoyed all the time and can't help but wonder if they might have made a difference or given you more purpose.

jason...

didnt really know him to a personal level, but a very fond memory i have is him nuking my ♥♥♥♥♥♥ mac computer with nukes in tf2 in his server, almost killed it but it was really funny, thank you for that memory. I wish i could talk to you more.

miss you

hi jay, i love you <3 a lot has happened since you left us, but not a day has gone by where i havent thought about you. cheese pizza :)

hey pal 888 days later a weird number I was in korea when it happened and im back home my gf is about to move in with me its weird your gone still a part of me still thinks your around due to how much I came and went in your life a lot...well hope youre doin ok

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2QpThyVL8s

On a more positive note, he also made mention of what he considers to be his legacy: His painstaking research on the Projectile Shield.

https://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Projectile_Shield

When I logged on to the computer, it all popped up for me and this song started playing in the background. I imagine this is how he had everything set up, and the computer timed itself out, only to reopen and miraculously, he had this lone page open up and start playing as if he had it all set up from the moment I logged in. To say it ran chills down my spine as I read it is the understatement of the century. It was as if he was speaking to me directly, not just a note he left, but an entire scenario built up to show me what was going on in his final moments.

I listened to this song over and over, just letting it run while I read his letter over and over again. If I know Jason, he probably had this song just running on repeat until the end. And as I write this, knowing him, it would not surprise me to deduce that he probably slowly built up his final strength as the song was reaching its crescendo, and timed his final moment with the end of the song.

Now that we've passed three years on this and the dust has more or less settled as much as it ever will, I feel a little more comfortable sharing some minor details with all of you that probably mean more to any of you than would ever mean to the people around him.

After the coroner and the investigative unit departed, as well as the many people who showed up to support the family, eventually I logged back on to his computer to start sorting out details and looking for answers. Through the shock of it all, it never occurred to me that he would have left anything on the computer explaining anything, but it's Jason, so OF COURSE HE DID. He left a 5-6 page word document with his final thoughts and reasonings - as I know he also did for some of you, personally, since I found those documents - but while he had that document front and center on the computer, he also had the link below running in the background on an infinite loop.

Merry christmas, we all miss you

I love you a lot Jay, and I miss you a lot. I hope you're doing well and that you know how much you're being missed.

happy birthday jay, still missing you buddy

happy birthday, jay

Happy birthday, friend. Missing you. <3

Happy Birthday! 🥰❤️

Happy birthday Jason, you would have been 23 today.

What started out as our little yearly get together grows more and more each year. It’s gotten so big now I actually have to work out planning for it because you can only show up with so many people and expect to have meaningful conversations at a pizza joint. Almost makes me want to be back in the house so I can just bring pizza there and then they can all just show up and do whatever. Pizza places here don’t seat nine easily!

It’s given me a good excuse to take tomorrow off every year to reflect on things. Not that I need a special day for that since it happens automatically every year at the beginning of December.

I’m sure I’ll have more to tell you later after the event, like the Zelda memory I’ll talk with Kaeli about, but I have to go find a way to make it through work now.

happy birthday

Happy birthday buddy, I still think of you every day <3

happy birthday <3

I love you.

I hope you're thinking of us as much as we think of you

Stay Gold!!

Hey! Do you know that every time my phone does a quick look back your almost always in the pictures. It’s funny because I really don’t have that many of you. I guess the pics seem to focus on the holidays and that’s when I must have had u in my sight. When the pictures scroll I see you but you already seemed distant. You were going through the holiday ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and waiting for it to be over with. I want you to remember that you started the baby boy trend. I thought we would be stuck with a million girls but they all followed YOU!! Andy, Myles, James and Matthew. Their personalities are one way connected to you by you. You were one in a million Jason and still are today. Friday night we will celebrate the most amazing person I know YOU. I love and miss you more than I could ever write into words. In my dreams I am holding you and taking all your troubles away. ❤️💕

I don't know what made it happen, be it a metric ♥♥♥♥ ton of family deaths recently making me think abt everyone I've lost ever, or just the big dumb wrinkly jello in my skull just being itself, but I really never got to fully thank you and its not resting well with me. Thank you for being there when I chose to lean on you, you didn't need to let me make my problems partially yours to carry, but you took them and gave them back withpossible solutions every single time. Bc you're a good person. That's what good people do. And good people get missed.
Thank you for being an absolute homie and trying your darndest to help all those around you. I wish you could see the impact you've made on all these people in these comments.. I just know you'd be surprised, but I assure you none of us are.
Hope you're having a kickass time up there dude, tell everyone who's passed recently they're missed too please 🤍💖 Big Lov

Hey! Your name came up in therspy today with Myles. He remembers you but he said you were sad. He then said I was mad at you for what you had done . That is the furthest thing to the truth You have mad me a better mom and person I told him I loved u and was NEVER mad at you. I just miss you❤️🥰😘

missing you 💙

Thank you Shild

What's up Jay? Guess what I did this summer (well so far) I took archaeology field school! My dreams of being world famous archaeologist are coming true! I studied at two locations that have never been excavated before :)) It was so cool. I learned how to make STPs, TUs, use a Munsell chart, mapping with a total station, and how to actually read a compass lol. I miss you and I hope you are keeping mom company.

I #savetf2 for you. You're welcome. o7

Hey hey! so I am helpin mom move and guess what I LEARNED EDITING and I might become a youtuber editor rn so I am hella excited and I hope I become a cop here and live my best life I will keep you updated when I finish the move and vibe out just stay here when I get back dork

Hey Jay, I love you and miss you a lot brother. I'm putting together an art symposium right now, it's nothing exciting, but I like to think that you'd be proud of me for sticking with this stupid ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ for longer than a week. I love you Jay.

You're really on my mind tonight. I hope you're doing well, wherever you might be.

Miss you man ❤️

Yo Shild got a new job today ppl seem to want and like me there lol should be fun still doing comp I am kinda a goat at it rn xD imo ofc I am still cocky but yea miss ya dude be safe up there

I had a dream about you a couple of nights ago. We held hands. I miss you. I hope mom, my friend Igor, and Ty's dog Night are keeping you company.

i wish you were here, i love you jay

Merry Christmas bud, we miss you

still missing you buddy, love you jay

So Cillie, what kind of memories did you and Jay share?

still thinking about, and missing, you, jay. although it's been a while since we talked, a lot of the things i got from you i still keep in the back of my mind. i definitely wouldn't be here or where i'm at in life without the countless conversations we had in those times.
it's hard to express how much you meant to me and everyone you knew, but i hope this encapsulates it well enough: love you, jay. hope you're resting well.

Maybe one of them is reading this message, if that's the case, I have nothing but uttermost disgust and scorn for you, and I hope the weight of your sins weigh heavy on you. Society tries a lot to encourage us to harm ourselves, harm other people and disguise it as "empowering" or being good and healthy and caring yourself and others and being a fun sport as "harmful" or "problematic". So Conine, rest assure, you are one of the best fathers a son could ever ask for. And I'm being deadly serious, you are at the top range, there may be men who are like you equally (as I'm sure there is) but no-one more than that. Your grievances are shared .

Honestly Conine, I don't think you did anything wrong, really. You have honestly been the most supportive of Shild (or rather, a person being supportive to anyone, really) emotionally and from when I speak to you, you were an outstanding father figure. Not even my mother or father was as supportive and caring as you are with him, and that's setting the bar very high. Honestly Conine it's those cases that even when you try your hardest sometimes things just... happen. If there were things that could be done to ensure success, we wouldn't have predictions and worst case scenarios. All Shild needed was a little more time. I mean, I'm doing better and better with time and courage, so I relate to Shild's mental struggling. I suspect perhaps some of his... peers that are close to him and the society he grew up in may have fed into his depression. I'm talking family and peers.

“I’d respect it if you could come to some level of acceptance for what has happened….. it won’t change, you can only understand.”