If you are reading this (and I know you are), I just wanted to thank you for all of your unconditional and slightly disturbing affection. I really appreciate the severed doll heads that you’ve been leaving on my porch and on the hood of my car; I arrange them on the sidewalk to keep people from taking my parking spot. I also appreciate the letters you’ve written me in chopped up words from the wayfinder forums that I’ve posted in, and even though you keep threatening to kill my dog, Bartholomew, and wear his face as a mask, I treasure the fact that you know my dog’s name.

On Valentine’s Day, after you attacked my girlfriend and said you were the only one that would ever love me, it was very sweet of you to scatter dead rose petals all over my apartment. It really ties the whole place together. Oh, and speaking of “tying,” I love the tiny little nooses that you hang outside of my doorway. It’s fun to wake up to in the morning and the neighbors get a real kick out of the look of sheer panic and terror that crosses my face.

I’m not sure when you first decided to stalk me. Maybe it was when you saw me speaking about how terrible wayfinder was, or maybe it was when I seductively took out my garbage in my finest t-shirt. Either way, you saw me and you’ve been after me ever since, you nut! Not even when I changed my schedule, only traveling during the day and in groups, or when I got my concealed weapons license; you have been ever vigilant in your stalking, and I respect that level of commitment. I wished I liked me as much as you like me.

I’m sure I’m not the first person that you’ve stalked (and if so, you’ve got a real knack for this!), and clearly I’ve had people take an unhealthy interest in my life before, so this isn’t something we’re both going into with wide eyes. Well, you might be; you do have a pretty bad case of crazy-eye going on. No, we’re both seasoned veterans, having been burned in the past (in your case figuratively, in my case from the time you tried to set my apartment on fire) by love/deeply rooted psychosis. Maybe you were drawn to me by the abundance of alleyways and shadowy corners near my apartment complex, or maybe my raw stalkability was off the charts. Whatever the reason, we’re bound together; the red string of fate and your improbably good tracking skills have deemed it so.

My friends say that you’re no good for me, and they’re absolutely right. I’m pretty sure that you’re going to kill me one day and I’ve already written a will just in case things should go awry (or if they go unfathomably well for you, I suppose). I would like it known that if you are to cradle my disembodied skull as a means of falling asleep faster, I would like my skull bleached on a regular basis, so that I’m not one of those gross corpses that’s all rotting and whatnot. I’m sure you will do unspeakable things to my dead body; all I ask is that you do me the courtesy of sanitizing me regularly. Also, please do not turn my bones into wind chimes; I find them annoying. Acceptable alternatives include a totally badass bone spear, a macabre back-scratcher, or a cute belt. As always, I trust your discretion, not that I have much choice in the matter.

After the last dead raccoon you shoved in my freezer and the third time I changed my locks, the courts finally mandated that you couldn't be within 50 yards of me. Well, they should have known that such an order would be impossible, because you’re already in my heart. I mean that both figuratively and literally, because of the time you tried to inject your eyelashes into my chest while I was sleeping. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but looking back: funny!

Anyways, I’m looking forward to doing this again next year. I’ve already installed a deadbolt, a new security system, and I’ve trained Bartholomew to go for the neck, so good luck!

Yours truly,

The Object of Your Misguided Affection

P.S. Please do not kill any of my friends in a blood-frenzy; they’re good people. If you do, I’m pretty sure one of them has my TI-83 calculator. I don’t need it back, but if you happen to see it, I’d really appreciate it if you could work it into your next effigy. Thanks.