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Well, decided to stay awake a bit longer and experiment a bit more and it's working for me too. Here's what I did:
- I uninstalled Uplay entirely. ***It leaves files behind! Go to your \program files (x86)\ folder and delete the Ubisoft folder there completely. This was necessary for me to do***
- I restarted my computer (had to do this too, no restart after removal/installation did nothing for me before)
- I re-installed Uplay using the installer found on Uplay's website.
- After installation, I restarted again.
- I launched the game through Steam and after about a minute, Uplay finally came up without crashing and updated itself.
- Exit Uplay.
- Re-launch the game through Steam again, and now you can input your key to activate it.
I'm now logged into Uplay with the game registered. Seriously, this is some kind of backwards fiddling to get a game working. Hopefully this works for others with this probem.
Or maybe it's just a fiddly garbage launcher if it doesn't work for you. In that case, I feel your pain.