Sid Meier's Civilization V

Sid Meier's Civilization V

75 ratings
How to Make Civ Great Again
By Felicidad, The Love Club
this guide will tell u exactly how to make civ great again for all future civ v games. it is tough and u need to be willing to build a giant wall as quickly as possible.
 
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Ancient
Start
ok so making civ great again is not an easy thing to do. but here's what u do at the very beginning of the game. in the first 20 turns u should send out an additional warrior maybe a scout. never evade any barbarians unless it is ur scout ok kick their asses like u would if biden decided to crawl over to your palace to fight u. u must get honor as soon as possible so that u can have a powerful army. itll be costly to create a huuge army so quickly but u can keep ur gold rate up (if not, its perfectly fine if u go bankrupt*) liberty is overrated so is tradition. crooked hillary is into tradition and canadian lyin' ted is into liberty so they must both be wrong. ur goal now is to capture enemy workers from other empires because you need the outsourced. forget most of the standard wonders, just research mining and head for the great wall as soon as possible. as soon as u meet someone denounce them. but before u denounce them make crappy business deals like u give them two luxuries for one. but this is only if u meet them so soon. the pyramids and the great wall r two great wonders to head for.


*1
Classical-Medieval
Social Policies
in this time if u focus on culture (ban writers who dont support u) u should be done with honor once u r head straight for commerce but if ur not in medieval then go for liberty (although u may already have it if u wanted pyramids, its overrated but not total garbage even if u dont know where ted's dad was in november of 1963!!!) get a free outsourced worker and maybe a settler so you can manifest destiny. if u are in medieval go for commerce and get landsknechts asap because outsourced soldiers r awesome. then get wagon trains so u can build tremendous roads to nowhere or perhaps to other parts of ur real estate empire.

Wonders
well there arent many wonders u should have right now but try to get two or three at the most of the following:
notre dame (top priority its a classy wonder)
chichen itza (second to top priority this is where you keep all the mexicans)
colossus (third to top priority its really a statue of u)
hagia sophia (so u can tax the crap out of ur people with tithe asap, second to bottom priority, found APPRENTICISM or TRUMPISM)
borobodur (bottom priority, spread ur great tv show or tremendous political philosophy sloppy steve keeps yapping at you about to ur cities)
if ur near desert petra is a good one but let's face it ur enemies come from deserts so avoid deserts. if u have deserts at ur borders, just build forts on the border and kick ♥♥♥.

Diplomacy
diplomacy is worthless unless ur getting luxuries or denouncing people. if u find a militaristic city-state (after all, russia started off as a bunch of militaristic city-states, not that u colluded with them or anything), u should ally them, anyone else u should just take their workers.


Expansion
ok build tons of cities nearby and near luxuries and keep in mind that u need to make crappy business deals to get more luxuries. the first thing u should go for in these cities r granaries but then markets. u need a massive gold income (but if u go bankrupt again thats ok).

Research
u need the military track but u also need the economic track so go for those two, focus on economic for now. get chivalry for defense and military benefits but dont be chivalrous urself. i mean COME ON lol.

Military
u need all types of military units but dont bother with swordsmen the outsourced landsknechts will do nicely.

Religion
ok so i shouldve covered this in start but u really need to get messenger of the gods or ur research rate will fall so far behind that u will look totally uncivilized instead of mostly uncivilized. and u may now ask "ok but what are my religion beliefs", well this is where u get tithe u need more money of course. as for ur two follower beliefs u want to be extra careful, get tithe and get cathedrals. cathedrals are top priority because ur happiness is probably -2016 or something by now and u can put great works of art (preferably portraits of u and ur tremendous hair). as for ur final belief get defender of the faith so that no one can truly cross the border and so u can deport people.
Medieval-Renaissance
Social Policies
ok so at this time u should just continue on commerce because u need a massive gold income. if ur culture is so wonderful that ur done then go for patronage (most people say rationalism but science is overrated).

Wonders
ok u need two of the following wonders:
himeji castle (id be surprised if anyone gets far across the border with this wonder in ur very large hands)
red fort (they can never siege u now. a palace within a wall within a wall within a capital within a wall.)
leaning power of pisa (u need massive great people generation so you can fire them 5 months later)
alahambra (u need great military units)
someone else probably has machu picchu if they do, make plans to go after them or attack them quickly.

Diplomacy
declare war on ur neighbors when ur army is tremendous. integrate their cities as puppets to expand ur real estate empire. when they ask for peace u can buy some of their cities in fantastic trade deals.

Expansion
build walls in every city ok u need walls walls walls. get castles too, but u r also going to need banks. u should stop building cities when ur at war with ur neighbors. of course u should build coliseums, because ur happiness is probably -11,000,000 give or take. build trading posts too u need to be super-rich (but if u go bankrupt beause of ur army thats ok). by now, ur research rate is probably horrible so u better build libraries and universities (business schools where great works of writing like the ART OF THE DEAL are written). also when ur enemies ask for peace u should totally rip them off with a research agreement.

GWAMs
ok so these arent huugely necessary but great musicians u need are adele, adele, and adele. as for great writers, u definitely need ann coulter and every great writer u can get. in trump we trust. great artists should create portraits of u. delete socialist gwams.

Research
go for economics and go for the military techs, as always. astronomylogy's harmful, we already have enough illegal aliens without the real ones.


Military
spam outsourced landsknechts around ur empire. use ur military to crush the enemy. always have a small surplus of siege units. if ur enemies try to invade ur empire send two landsknechts and with all the bonuses u have they will just run away. it doesnt even matter if they surprise u or take one of ur cities u have a real estate empire.

Religion
send missionaries everywhere and if people tell u to stop spreading ur religion then just build a few of ur cities near theirs then convert urs so that ur religious pressure spreads across their empire. spam trump cathedrals everywhere and double spam the apprenti- i mean missionaries.
Renaissance-Industrial
Social Policies
ok there is no way ur done with patronage so just continue. u may ask why. u need to have all of the city-states under ur influence, while taking workers from them as u please, then bribing to appease them with ur massive income. if they start dicking around, take away their funding and let empires screw them over because u cant let weakling little nation-states like canada rip u off in military.

Wonders
ok so obviously u have red fort and himeji castle so get brandenburg gate a s a p and big ben too. both of these are not wonders that the ai usually spam u should be fine. get forbidden city u see this isnt forbidden its just ur mansion. plus it helps u fight off the world congress. the world congress is overrated so use it to place tarif- i mean embargo the ♥♥♥♥ out of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ countries.

Diplomacy
by now most of the people on the map believe that ur going to take them into the dark age. this is simply not true u just want to bring people into ur classy real estate empire. if they dont shut up, then host a(nother) reality show and ur tourism will go up with their population and they wont be able to do anything about it except denounce u. ok, so by now the world congress is up. this world congress is crap theyll try to embargo u, ur best bet is to use ur small loan of 2000 gold to bring city-states into ur influence. then use these delegates to make ur religion the world religion and ur ideology the world ideology and embargo ur enemies so that they get bankrupt. ban their luxuries too.

Expansion
ok now u should focus on peace and upgrading ur cities. so upgrade ur cities with buildings u want ur going to need stadiums, zoos, coliseums, everything. get ironworks in ur most productive city so that u can build wonders more effectively. the moment u see coal, get it and use it to build beautiful factories in all of ur cities. this gets u ur ideology which should be autocracy so u can rule the world.

Research
ok so unfortunately everyone probably will have dynamite soon this is really bad since they can now move through ur great wall easy. just continue on the path of economics and military. u urself should get dynamite so u can siege enemy cities when the time comes. now is when you should finish up all those ridiculous naval researches.

Military
ur military is super-experienced and injured now so make peace with ur enemies temporarily and focus on upgrading ur cities. u will probably get all kinds of angry civs after u with some attacks, but most of it will be just their world congress crap. also if ur happiness is still really low ull get rebellions KEEP THE HAPPINESS UP WITH AUTOCRACY. use ur massive income to buy coliseums, stadiums, and zoos. use stone works too. build all the circuses and zoos u can because screw peta.

Religion
ur religion is massive but people r so angry theyre now sending their people to convert ur cities make sure u have RELIGIOUS defence ready to go.
Industrial-Modern
Social Policies
at this point just focus on autocracy.

War Route: elite forces, mobilization, and fortified borders (ur first three). lightning warfare and police state. clausewitz's legacy.

Diplomacy Route: elite forces, united front, and fortified borders. third alternative and nationalism. gunboat diplomacy.


ok so u can totally destroy people with the war route and it helps u deal with tough enemies. if ur enemies are weaker but convenient in terms of terrain or some other factors u totally should go for diplomacy, since u can add city-states to ur real estate empire without their actually being in it.

Wonders
u want eiffel tower and neuschwanstein because they provide gold and happiness especially with all of ur pretty trump casin- i mean castles. get prora too, but nothing else

Diplomacy
by now everyone's at war with u because u have flipped on ur declarations of friendship with them (they were ripping u off in trade!). they r probably embargoing u that doesnt matter what u need to do is earn gold within ur own empire and lift the embargo as soon as possible (but if u go bankrupt for the fourth time thats ok). declare war on little gandhi if hes there capture india before he gets nukes.


Expansion
if ur going the diplomacy route u need to build cities near city-states and intimidate people. if ur on the war route just rush for courthouses quickly and build walls and castles. for the courthouses put your sister in charge she's the judge at all courthouses forever because she's fantastic.

Research
at this point u need to head for landships and infantry. get research labs before ur enemies get nukes ok because this is when they get nukes u need to hurry.

Military
landships and infantry and rocket artillery r ur goals. build great war bombers because let me just tell u theyre tremendous.


Religion
by now ur religion should be all over the world just dont forget to use inquisitors on enemy capitals to remove their original religion.
Modern-Atomic
Social Policies
continue on the autocracy path and aim for total war even if ur heading diplomatic.

Wonders
ok so u have prora so get sydney opera house. get the pentagon so u can collude with the nevermind continue reading. thats all dont waste too much time on wonders now. u must get cn tower because u get broadcast towers which means u can broadcast reruns of the apprentice (dont broadcast the little arnold version of the apprentice)!!! ur preparing for the second best wonder in all of civ v.


Diplomacy
ok so u need to be careful here if u havent already gotten gandhi because if he has uranium he has nukes which means everyone is dead. if u spot uranium on gandhi's territory use the world congress to propose nuclear non-proliferation. if gandhi is dead or not on the map build as many nukes as you can and nuke ur enemies to death. notice that diplomacy is irrelevant and is really about preventing people from getting their nukes. by now ur crappy business deals are even more crappy theyre probably not even worth it. good thing u have city-states gifting u luxuries. if ur on the diplomatic route propose nuclear non-proliferation anyway and build airports everywhere in case someone tries to invade.


Expansion
if ur still at war with people u need to take their cities. if by some miracle ur not then just create more cities and upgrade all of them buy all the tremendous buildings be a real estate developer for these cities too. focus on happiness and gold primarily gold because the only reason u give a ♥♥♥♥ about ur citizens is so u can build ur real estate empire. be sure to bribe those city-states still and keep ur military really close to them.

GWAMs
spam these away, use great writers to generate culture. adopt all of tradition (because trumpism is now the tradiiton and thats acceptable) for a quick happiness boost.


Research
ok the atomic era is all about nukes so get nukes asap then research your way to the second most important wonder in the entire game.

Military
upgrade ur military with ur new pentagon, and if ur on the war route, attack someone. by now u should have conquered like 3 or 5 civs so u know just continue the war effort against the remaining civs.


Religion
buy trump cathedrals everywhere.
Atomic-Information
Nukes
yep we need a section for nukes. how do we start? ok so u need to buy atomic bombs, but not too many so u can get missiles later on. but they are enough to scare people u know. if ghandi has nukes well then u will have to bribe someone else to go to war with him u know. get ghandi to waste his nukes on them then attack gandhi. if there is no gandhi or he's defeated then good for u. ghandi's little rocket man. make ridiculous trade deals and build bomb shelters.

this should keep u safe from nukes for a little while but its inevitable everyone wants to nuke u by now. try to make sure they nuke ur outer cities and not ur populated cities. if they destroy a city, then pay them back with nukes too. if they have city-states they're allied with near their capital take those city-states and use them to nuke their capital. they will be running for the bomb shelters.

Social Policies
once u r done with autocracy, go back to the original social policy trees and go for rationalism (science is ok when it gets u another wall and giant death robots). so u can research ur way to the second best wonder in the game. get piety too u will need it for religious city defence.

Wonders
ok this is the second most important wonder in the game: the great firewall. u need to protect the cyber after all ur son knows everything about the cyber he's a total genius when it comes to the cyber. u have to keep the viruses and non-russian hackers out all the time. keep the hackers out ok. secure ur email servers. crooked hillary didnt secure her email servers! let someone else waste their time on hubble unless u REALLY REALLY need science and production which i doubt u do.

Diplomacy
ok i shouldve covered international games and world fairs and the iss earlier but there's a problem. u need to get these through even if they slow u down for several reasons. reason 1: U NEED TO WIN AGAIN AND PEOPLE WILL TELL U "we're tired of ur winning!!" JUST KEEP WINNING. reason 2: these events give people all kinds of bonuses that u need to prevent them from doing. reason 3: it isnt that harmful since u have a massive gold income rate so u can use gold to buy infantry and btw if ur bankrupt for a fifth time u should be ashamed of urself ok, four is the limit. of course just aim for the diplo victory if thats what ur doing. reason 4: trillion dollar infrastructure projects and 5000 production international projects are tremendous for economic growth, almost as good as tariffs.

Expansion
just attack attack attack. if you're on the diplomatic route, attack too.


GWAMs
these dont matter much now, ur real estate empire is so massive u dont need ann coulter's books as much so just say "adios coulter".

Research
go for the great firewall and just research military tech. have a few of the spaceship components ready at ur capital just in case something goes wrong.

Military
get giant death robots now u can totally destroy people and if u have nuclear non-proliferation spam even more giant death robots. use xcom to surprise enemy units.
AND BOMB THE ♥♥♥♥ OUT OF THEM WITH NUKES IF NUCLEAR NON-PROLIFERATION ISN'T PRESENT

Religion
ur religion spans the globe, stop reading this (but lets be honest how sure are we that the world is a globe those dumbass scientologists said u wouldn't win the election).

VICTORY
congratulations u made civ v great again u get a cookie.
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21 Comments
dorffy May 6 @ 11:20am 
dead meme
korsurr Apr 27 @ 1:35am 
make great musicians great again!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gujoslOsj58
Felicidad, The Love Club  [author] Apr 24 @ 4:11pm 
Let me just tell you folks, Doki Doki Roleplay Club... who is this person? NO ONE'S HEARD OF THEM. They write terrible guides.
ShamWow Apr 24 @ 1:07pm 
This has been the worst guide in the history of all guides, maybe ever!


Just kidding mate, I was laughing the entire read. Good deal.
arr0w Apr 15 @ 11:47am 
dude, u ever played this game? seems like demo-mass-media-correspondent-bullshit text
七罪 Apr 13 @ 6:10pm 
6
D-Man Apr 12 @ 1:21am 
Great read, was laughing so hard thru most of it!
Shadow Apr 11 @ 8:47pm 
*cough cough* they dont update the game *cough cough*
gnmotz Apr 9 @ 12:18pm 
all good:steamhappy:
Dbug113 Apr 7 @ 5:12pm 
instructions undlear balistic missile stuck in a toaster