Sid Meier's Civilization V

Sid Meier's Civilization V

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Jalex`s Guide to Ideologies
By The Jalex
Freedom, or actually winning: The immortal question...
 
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From God-Awful Beginnings...
Ahhh, I remeber the day very well. It was Christmas Day when I bought Civilization 5. I loaded my first game as Carthage, on Warlord difficulty. 200 turns later, my beautiful civilization was a f5th world power, with the Super Mega Powerhouse of Austria breathing down my neck. I was Screwed. BUT! Before Maria Theresa shoved my own foot down my throat, I was able to choose an idealogy. Veterans in my scenario would have jumped for Autocracy, conscripting everyone in their empire just so they could live. But, as I happen to be a patriotic American, I sprung for freedom. I honestly thought that Team America: World Police was going to save me.

I was wrong.

After I managed to get my aforementioned foot out of my throat, I started to think. Why did I fail? My mind then thought of my fatefull descision. "Of Course!" I screamed "I need to play on Settler!"

250 turns later, this time as Rome, I came to the ideology scrren again. Since I was on settler, I had riflemen by the time the rest of the cretins in the world figured out how spears ARE NOT, in fact, the Antichrist. SInce freedom failed me, I made a different choise...
The People Rise...
This was around the time Bernie Sanders was gaining popularity, so I decided that the 1 percent needed to have at leat 50 percent of my foot down their throat. I cast aside the oppressors of the Bourgeois, blasted state-run propaganda up to eleven, and followed the path of order. Oh, I just know that Marx is welling up with joy. I was planning on building a spaceship to leave the fascists and pigs [And fascist pigs] behind, so I went straight for the production buffs. Pretty soon, my country was making more borsch then even I could handle.

Seriously though, Order is OP. I built every single building possible in my capital. [Just so you know, Rome`s bonuses dont apply to their capital] I had a great engineer coming every twenty turns or so, and 5 new units a turn from my cities. In the end, half of the world was purple, and I had 200 happiness. I was playing on settler, but still...
KISS MY BOOTS! [they smell of citrus]
Now that I was feeling extremely overconfident, I decided to play on King. I took the peacefull, loving, nation of Songhai [ Renamed it SongDIE ] and set off to carve out an empire with the help of Autocracy. While the Brazilians were busy with Zika, I sneakily nuked their entire nation into dust, and marched into Rio with my tanks. PROTIP: Zika is allergic to 5 nuclear missiles striking a city. For reasons known only to Lord Gaben himself, the rest of the world hated me. I was called a "Bloodthirsty One" by Attila the Hun, because apparently all huns are permanently stuck in Pyroland. He then thoguht to invade the person who had a stockpiled of nukes to big, children used them as slides in playgrounds. I traded a lot of my stuff to that guy, as I thoguht he was cool with genocide. My other ally, The Aztecs [I was sort of going for an Axis of Evil vibe] denounced me as well, and refused to take my citrus for his gold. [That was a deal that we kept on renewing form the medieval era.] Betrayed, Bankrupt, and surrounded, there was only one thing I could do. I sold myself to enough strangers to make ends meet, then went on full nuke production.

Timmy and his new school would have to wait.

After conscripting Timmy`s father and mother [we are equal oppurtunity fascists], I put on my sunglasses to see the fireworks. After pummling enoguh people, victory was mine.
Capitalist Pigs
After the Songdie bloodbath, I decided to go a bit more peaceful next game. I got the Incan Empire [my favorite becase hills are stupid.] Since I was going freedom, I wanted allies, but I was on my own continent. After violently suppressing all of my urges to turtle up and then suprise invade the first city my army saw, I officially adopted freedom. Just as I did that, A bald eagle flew my my window, a sure sign that the spirit of AbraGeorge Kennebama, the eternal protector of America and the bane of terrorists, was with me. I soon met other civilizations, but it turns out, they were all terrorists. Yes, some called themselves "Communists" and "Authoritarians", but their fascade was not going to work on me. I ordered a plan to bring their civilizations to their knees, without everyone suddenly trying to murderstab me. I sent in a class of well trained, well funded, men.

I sent in the Musicians.

Concert after concert played, again and again. Imagine Woodstock, but with even more music. Beethoven played his piano, Mozart played his violin, Jimi Hendrix performed a sick riff that made everyone in the front row pregnant. Within the hour, a large scale revolution had happened, which even caused a city to join my empire.

Freedom wins again, commies.
TL;DR
If you`re a Murican [or want to be] pick Freedom

If you like explosions and Fireworks [And have a low IQ] pick Autocracy

If you want to win, pick Order

`nuff said
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15 Comments
Heisenberg, O Retorno Jul 3, 2017 @ 12:03pm 
@The Jalex
Its not a sign from the heavens, its just ppl coming back to civ V haha
Stinky_Pinky Jun 30, 2017 @ 1:27pm 
How to win with freedom:
1. Build three cities-- no more, no less
2. Have massive population
3. Fill all specialist slots available
4. Build statue of liberty
strbry Jun 29, 2017 @ 6:39pm 
I usually choose freedom. Out of the two games I've played, it's won me a cultural influence victory both times.
bloodeagle94 Jun 28, 2017 @ 7:50am 
Well I have seen much better games with autocracy with close to every game so yeah :) End of the day what good are your production citys when you have none?
A Pleb Among Noobs Jun 28, 2017 @ 1:21am 
The working class will prevail.
TitanicTurtles Jun 27, 2017 @ 7:09pm 
Order still wins.
Pedos In Speedos Jun 27, 2017 @ 6:48am 
In fact, just get a weekly column in a magazine and talk about politics or what have you, I'd read it religiously :steamhappy:
Pedos In Speedos Jun 27, 2017 @ 6:45am 
Please write a novel, your writing style is absolutely brilliant. Freedom all the way, down with the fascists and commies!
adkjake Jun 27, 2017 @ 6:25am 
lol
bloodeagle94 Jun 26, 2017 @ 7:24am 
Order is nice but I can get the production I without it, end of the day 100% strat bonuses... how good will your production bases be when they get nuked to high heaven? :P