[DIVXSTAGE]Watch Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 1 Online - The Wars To Come
   
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[DIVXSTAGE]Watch Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 1 Online - The Wars To Come

"It was a big night for butts"

Probably nothing but the most pressing facts: that while she's got the Jabbawockeez picking off her ex-slave army, and her grasp on local mores is shaky at best, Daenerys Targaryen also has a new baby blue dragonscale dress (+10) and is still finding time to let her hair down (+15) and enjoy a naked nightcap (+5) with her current squeeze / life advisor Daario Naharis. I wish there was a way Dany could get points for flying in the face of traditional GoT nudity laws by staying relatively covered up while Daario's body took center stage, but so long as they're together, a win for him (+15) is a win for her, right?

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"Uh, your dumb face is freezing cold just like everyone else's." (+0, Lord of Light)

It was actually a big night for male butts in general, outnumbering instances of female nudity 3 to 1. I have to say, the pervy female gaze has been a welcome addition to the show since last season's first nuDaario striptease. This week we also got Loras Tyrell trading birthmark stories with a random blonde (+15) and good ol' closet freak Margaery Tyrell hanging around to watch the show (she didn't see any real copulation, but we'll throw her +5 just out of respect; also another +5 for openly flirting with a 12-year-old at a funeral right in front of his mom). Margaery was one of several females who were not afraid to get invasive with the men in their life this week; both Melisandre (+5) and Missandei (+5) both asked after the anatomy of unsuspecting men (Jon Snow and Grey Worm, respectively), which is just like, a great way to assert your power, even if you never end up following up on it. I am fascinated by how romantically the show treats Missandei's curiosity about her crush's ♥♥♥♥, all trembling lips and soft music.

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Sansa Stark is also newly self-possessed (and newly GOTH +10), trading cynical banter with her creepoid ward Littlefinger in that way that used to get him so riled up with Varys back in the old days. If anyone's owed an attitude problem, it's Sansa; everyone else already has one or has never been engaged to two Lannisters. I'm interested to see who actually ends up with the upper hand in this unholy union in the Eyrie; right now it's still a little too Humbert Humbert for my comfort — they're even going on a road trip together! Plus, in the rich Thrones tradition of sitting on a platform and watching people fight (seriously, if you want to be king, you simply must get yourself some combatants to watch idly), Littlefinger's setup leaves a lot to be desired. And Sansa did not seem very impressed (to be fair, she didn't seem impressed by anything this week).

"If anyone's owed an attitude problem, it's Sansa"

If this is sounding like a lady-dominated episode, that's because it kind of was — even if it was just taking advantage of a momentary lull in battlefield action, it was not unwelcome. There wasn't that much else going on in the bloodshed department, besides the arrival of the Sons of the Harpy and their first onscreen kill (+5) and of course, the mercy killing of Mance Rayder by the Emotional Jon Snow (+40). It's hard to tell who the bigger loser is in the wake of the king of the free folk: the now leader-less wildlings (-10) or our own Dieter Bohn, who officially has the first hole in his roster. We can patch that up, Dieter. See if you can broker something with Kwame to get Robin Arryn on your list — that kid has got to be the only armed character in Westeros who's still weaning. Give him a month in Daario's fighting pits, and I would not want to be opposite him in a duel.

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