"Behind the Mask" - SFM - Saxxy Awards Drama Entry 2014

Did you like this video? (Category: Drama)


Dooger’s workshop. Please check it out and vote for his items. Without his help this video wouldn’t be possible. He created the calendar and other models.


I made this map on my own. Some of the sounds I recorded on my own.

Bottles sounds taken from YouTube audio library.

The rest belongs only to Valve.

This video was made after Ghosts of the Past Ep 2 so the animations here are slightly better.

The idea of this video slowly shaped in my mind over the years. There is a lot of symbolism involved, but I think anyone who will stop and think about it for second will figure it out pretty easily. People, who especially can relate however, are those who experienced depression at some point of their lives.

The ending quote was strongly inspired by the closing quote from Legacy of Kain: Defiance. It stuck with me over all these years so I decided to write something like it. Here is the original quote:
“Most ironic of all, was the last gift that Raziel had given me. More powerful than the sword that now held his soul, more acute even than the vision that his sacrifice had accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope.”

With this video I wanted to show how it feels to live with depression. When you’re depressed the only moment of peace you can hope for is during the sleep. And your best bet is having no dreams, because if you do - those dreams will slowly turn into something that haunted you over last months/years. They will turn into the reason why you’re in a depressed state. And at some point you will wake up. The reality will drag you back in kicking and screaming, making you remember all the ♥♥♥♥ you’ve been through like it’s the first time.

The months go on and you lose any sense in existence. Life becomes a routine. Colorless picture. You get used to the pain to the point that you stop caring if a bus hits you on the way to a supermarket, or a rope breaks when you’re bungee jumping with friends (hence the Russian roulette in the video). In fact you’re even hoping for that to happen. But it never does.

For some people pain becomes unbearable – and they end it. Some just try and move on and cling to everything they can.
Hardest part though is putting on a “happy mask” and hoping that your family and friends don’t find out about it.

As the day comes to an end – sooner or later you’re going back home. It used to be a place where you feel secure, now it’s the most hostile place you ever knew. As it’s getting late the silence is closing in on you and your thoughts and memories become louder. Tearing you apart like a swarm of crows. So you drink yourself to sleep. Or take pills. Or smoke weed. Whatever gets you off. You hope you don’t get any dreams this night. All you want is a moment of peace...

I know the video is kind of difficult to watch, and you need to think a little bit in order to understand it (which is not a popular theme among the regular YouTube viewers), but my subscribers proven themselves as the most patient and thinking viewers I’ve ever encountered. So I hope you guys like it.

Plus I’m not a fan of going for a cheapshot tearjerkers. It’s too easy. I want to challenge myself and my viewers. :) Besides I did tearjerker once (OUTI2F) and for now I think it’s enough. Maybe sometime in the future, but not today.

Will I get nominated this year? Will I win something? Is this video worth a ♥♥♥♥? You decide. And Valve of course."
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trollerteam#chad Sep 9, 2015 @ 1:58pm 
Herb Mar 30, 2015 @ 2:01pm 
Right in the feels.
MisledSwede99 Feb 10, 2015 @ 4:54am 
Omg, i'm speechless... This film was amazing,it really gives you something tothink about.. Thank you for making this, it may help someone suffering from depression to perhaps get a little better. And the truth is, you can never base another person's well-being of what they're letting themselves seem to be.. Take the time to talk to them, make them feel worthy and important in both their life and others as well.
ok Jan 6, 2015 @ 12:41pm 
This was great, amazing.
Nano #TSTJ Oct 7, 2014 @ 8:44pm 
How the hell did this not beat DEFECT_. Don't get me wrong, DEFECT_ was good but this was beautiful.
Csi71 Oct 3, 2014 @ 1:15pm 
You handled the topic really well, not many people can do that nowadays.
Mayoto Oct 2, 2014 @ 3:07am 
Looks like this video is just too serious and mature for saxxy. My best regards, friends.
twitch.tv/JayTuut Sep 30, 2014 @ 1:53am 
I didn't really get it :/
Craig Prime Sep 29, 2014 @ 11:06pm 
That was truly moving. Not sure what else I can say, because it seems everybody else agrees.
Tephy Sep 29, 2014 @ 8:40pm 
A Beautiful Piece. It is never easy, day in and day out. The irony, when "Good Times" become the nightmare you can't escape. Hope can be something terrible to cling to, but without it, all that is left is a fully loaded gun. Thank You for making this.