Team Fortress 2

Team Fortress 2

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The Pitch Hiker's Guide to Mann VS Machine
By Your Dying Friend
ROBOTS

WHO NEEDS THEM? ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE IMMUNE DEFICIENCIES AND OR REQUIRE THE AID OF ROBOTS THROUGH SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM THAT IS COMPLETELY RELIANT UPON THOSE METAL CASKS OF MAN MADE RUBBLE. IN WHICH CASE I MUST SAY

GOD REST HIS SOUL

BUT THIS ISN'T ANY OLD GUIDE MY BOY, THIS IS A GUIDE FOR WINNERS

AND LET ME TELL YOU THE BIGGEST WINNER OF THEM ALL IS NONE OTHER THAN DIANE FOSSI

GOD REST HER SOUL
 
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STEP ONE: MANNING UP





ALL RIGHT SON SO YOU'VE PROBABLY PICKED UP THIS GAME NAMED TEAM FORTRESS 2, STRANGE ISNT THE WORD TO DESCRIBE THE SENSATION THAT MAY BE RUNNING THROUGH YOUR BODY AS YOU SEE THE WORD CO-OP IN THE CORNER.

NOT THE ♥♥♥♥ING GROCERY STORE CHAIN YOU ♥♥♥♥, I MEAN COOPERATIVE GAMEPLAY.

NINE TIMES OUT OF SIXTY WE ALL FIND OURSELVES WISHING THAT ALL GAMES HAD A COOPERATIVE ASPECT TO IT. ELDER SCROLLS, FALLOUT NEW VEGAS, AND EVEN DIANE FOSSI AND THE BRADY BUNCH HAD THEIR SIGHTS SET ON THIS CONCEPT. DIANE STUDIED GORILLAS, AND I'LL BE SHOWING YOU THE ROPES TO HER GORILLA WARFARE TECHNIQUES AGAINST THE ROBOTIC SCUM OF THE EARTH WE KNOW AS GREY MANN'S BUTT BATTALION.


YOUR FIRST JOB IS TO FIND A TEAM THAT CAN ACCOMPLISH AT LEAST 5% OF THE ♥♥♥♥ THAT I WILL BE DICING OUT HERE.



NOW AS YOU CAN SEE MY TOUR COMPLETION RATE IS LESS THAN SATISFACTORY AS OF THIS MOMENT BUT I ASSURE YOU I AM NO REBEL ALLIANCE SCUM. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING

DON'T BELIEVE ME?



SIT DOWN SON I AM A GOD

NOW IT IS ABOUT TIME WE TALK ABOUT SOME OF THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION IN LIFE AGAINST THE OIL LOVING SCUM. FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT IS A ROBOT?

DONT WORRY THE GAME WONT START FOR A WHILE, THERE ARE ONLY 863 OPEN GAME SERVERS.

STEP TWO: WHAT IS A ROBOT?
GOT A PENCIL AND PAPER? GOOD, BECAUSE I HAVE PREPARED A CHART TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS TO BE SHOT AND WHAT IS NOT TO BE SHOT.

REMEMBER, CYBORGS ARE NOT ROBOTS.

STEP THREE: WHO SHOULD YOU PLAY AS?
FIGHTING ROBOTS IS A WORLD OF HURT AND PAIN, BUT LETS COVER THE PEOPLE YOU MAY WANT TO PLAY AS AND HAVE OTHERS DO ON YOUR TEAM.


SCOUT: THIS KENYAN ♥♥♥♥ER PICKS UP MONEY FASTER THAN A TROPHY EX-WIFE DOES WITH A ROYAL ACTOR'S PAYCHECKS.

SOLDIER: WELCOME TO AMERICA, ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOUR BAGS WHILE ALSO SHOOTING ROCKETS FASTER THAN MATT SMITH CAN BLOW UP WOODEN ROBOTS WITH JEDI MIND TRICKS. DID I ALSO MENTION STUN LOCK?

PYRO: BURNINATING THE PEASENTS

DEMOMAN: AND WITH HIS TRUSTY SWORD HE SLAYED THE UNHOLY GOD OF RESPITE. THRUSTING UPON HIS MIGHTY BLADE HE SPEARED THE BETRAYER IN FRONT OF ALL TO SEE.

NO THIS ISN'T A PORNO

HEAVY: ALSO KNOWN AS THE RUSSIAN SPACE PROGRAM, HE CAN SEND THINGS FLYING IF YOU KNOW HOW TO USE KNOCKBACK RAGE IN THE RIGHT WAY.

ENGINEER: PRACTICALLY ALWAYS NEEDED IF YOU WANT TO SUCCEED IN LIFE OF ROBOTIC DOMINATION. HE HAS A GUN AND SHOOTS IT FASTER THAN NICHOLAS CAGE ACCEPTS AN ACTING ROLE.

MEDIC: HEIL MIGHTY FUHRER OF THE LANDS OF SCIENCE AND ROBOTIC DOMINATION AND ENGINEERING. THE HEALENING BEGINNETH AND ENDETH WITH THE ROTTENBURGENING. AYE SIRE.

SNIPER:
SPY: BUTT STUFF

NOW FOLLOWING TRUE TO MY OLD GUIDE, LETS REPHRASE THIS FOR YOU SLOWER FOLK OUT THERE.


SCOUT: ELODES OF EMONE

SOLDIER: KABOOM

PYRO: FIRE FIRE FIRE

DEMOMAN: SWISH SWISH STAB

HEAVY: BANGBANGBANG

ENGINEER: LOLTEXAS

MEDIC: GLORY TO THE ROMAN EMPIRE

SNIPER:

SPY:
STEP FOUR: DEALING WITH THE ROBOTIC SCUM
KILLING ROBOTS IS FAIRLY SIMPLE, YOU SIMPLY READY A WEAPON OF YOUR CHOOSING AND FIRE IT IN THEIR DIRECTION. 90% OF THE TIME, UNLESS YOU'RE HAVING A DIABETIC ATTACK, YOU WILL MOST LIKELY KILL THEM. THIS TACTIC FOR ME WORKS ALL THE TIME, 40% OF THE TIME.


WHEN YOU START TO SEE EITHER ZOMBIES OR TINY SENTRY BUSTERS, THEN YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.




WHEN PLAYING SNIPER, HEADSHOTS OP





SIMPLE, RIGHT?
STEP FOUR PART 2: DEALING WITH TANKS

STEP FIVE: PARTING REMARKS
All in all, Mann Versus Machine is a lovely game mode for an amazingly fun game. There is always only one thing you need to know. It doesn't matter who you play with, what you like or what you play as.


Just make sure you play it with friends more than pubs if you're going to ♥♥♥♥ about with it.


And if you don't have friends:

YOU MUST BE POOR AND IRISH







BEFORE I FORGET
IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH SOMETHING A LOT, THINK ABOUT RESTARTING OR DOING IT LATER. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF.


NO ONE WANTS TO END UP LIKE VIKING JONES.



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87 Comments
Scariest thing ever Apr 26, 2017 @ 2:54am 
-rep got dick stuck in manga book
naic hat Dec 24, 2016 @ 11:59pm 
-rep got dick stuck in blender
Brother Sven Jan 31, 2015 @ 5:32pm 
these guides are hysterical
ZWilko Aug 8, 2014 @ 4:44pm 
Got Hiked.
Your Dying Friend  [author] Aug 8, 2014 @ 4:41pm 
If anyone wants to be more in touch with my very lack luster news group on the future of the HIKER'S GUIDE, join the Pitch Hiker's Guide group for some steam announcements.

http://steamcommunity.com/groups/HIKENING

Very likely that I'm going to produce another Team Fortress 2 guide soon. KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN, MARKED ONE.
Your Dying Friend  [author] Aug 8, 2014 @ 3:58pm 
I was not expecting this to suddenly get so many comments. S'always good to feel somewhat popular in this NEW GROWING ECONOMY. On the next hiker's guide I'll be talking about HIGH FINANCE AND THE BOONS OF SIDING WITH DUTY.
ZWilko Aug 8, 2014 @ 3:51pm 
10/10.
The Anchorman reference made me laugh my perfectly proportionate tits off.
Your Dying Friend  [author] Aug 7, 2014 @ 2:39pm 
Probably someday. The Spy definitely is better. I've had a game with my folks where we used the spy as a better scout. Slowed and killed lots of those classes like giant huntsmen and Steel gauntlets, while still collected a majority if not all of the money on the level. I'd say a good spy can completely remove a good scout anyday.
Trikki Nikki Aug 7, 2014 @ 2:10pm 
Oh, I see. That's for clearing that up. I've seen people rag on spy for the same thing, so I would recommend finding something similar for him.
Your Dying Friend  [author] Aug 7, 2014 @ 12:41pm 
Impressive no, but a reference point for people to realize that pretty much any class can be useful in Mann versus machine. Snipers can hold up their weight, as well as a backburner pyro if you so desire. That, of course, comes with the ability to even use the class in the way you desire.