Team Fortress 2

Team Fortress 2

99 ratings
Basically Idle (A guide to contributing as little as possible)
By Splosion
Let's say winning and contributing to a team effort isn't your thing. Maybe there's someone on the team you hate and want to see them irritated, maybe you want to help the other team steamroll faster. Luckily for you every class is capable of being an absolute waste of space if you know how to play them wrong.
Poor scout, so useful but don't give up with enough practice you'll never get a single point in any game!

Baby Face's Blaster:

To properly utilize a scouts ability to dodge make sure you create a script that makes you constantly jump and this weapon is perfect for you jumpy scouts. 6 shots just like the scattergun but with a much nicer looking model. Your team mates will be so impressed with your stylish weapon choice and jumping ability they'll start yelling at you to stop so they can focus!

The Winger:

Now we all know that scouts need to move around very fast, and this weapon should help. After all look at that sleek design with the tiny wings on the side, this thing is so aerodynamic it can help the scout fly! The smaller clip size means you'll spend more time firing the BFB from high in the air and less time firing this!

The Atomizer:

Here's where that auto jump script will really shine. This weapon gives you an extra double jump! now you can jump even higher above those fools below you with uglier weapons, to get even higher keep in mind you can jump on enemies heads!
The original master of dead weight the soldier has weapons perfectly suited to ensure your team gets annihilated.

The rocket jumper:

No damage, no problem! For optimum results try to trick enemies into thinking those are real rockets coming at them! It never works and ensure your team mates will hate you. For a different tactic, try jumping to the highest point in the map and sit there while spamming chat with "HAHA you guys can't get me up here!" it might fail and have you get shot down but just continue trying until it works. Practice makes perfect!

The buff banner:

Since you're using a no damage primary you won't have to worry about that rage meter ever filling but no worries because this weapon let's you JUGGLE! That's right! Mesmerize the enemy team with you're incredible skills of tossing live explosives in the air, no need to worry about accidental detonations damaging the enemies though, it's purely cosmetic!

The conscientious objector:

You don't need any of those crutchy direct upgrades that good soldiers use. No, you need a canvas with which to share something horrific with the world and this weapon will let you do that! Just pick whatever the single most inhuman image is that you can find online and share it with the world!
Pyro's don't have to be the masters of utility the pros make them out to be. They can do so much more!

The Phlogistinator:

Like the baby face blaster this shiny piece of flame throwing tech can be your best friend. Ask yourself right now, "How many times have I died because of a lag spike?" that's right a couple! Well this things taunt and lazers can cause those! Just run right up to those enemies and taunt like the wind, the polycount of this should give your team the precious seconds they need to save you when your enemies get that brief FPS drop.

The Detonator:

Why should the scout have all the fun jumping? The detonator lets you go almost as high! And on top of the miracle of a 7 foot verticle leap, the area directly beneath you will set people on fire! Practice getting up close and jumping on peoples heads if you jump up and down enough with this you might get a kill!

The neon annihilator:

In a recent study I just made up, an estimated 12% of people have some form of epilepsy, and 100% of those people play TF2. I know what you're thinking, "Splosion that seems completely irrelevant". That couldn't be farther from the truth. Look at all the flashing lights on this weapon. You could send these people into violent seizures in real life! Why settle for only killing them in game?
As with the soldier, demoman has some odd unlocks specifically suited to your bizarre needs.


Who needs reliable weaponry when you have shoes? More health means more time to confuse the enemy. 25 hp can be the difference between death and success so make sure you leave grenades behind.

The sticky jumper:

Traps are over rated, you need to FLY! Always remember, more stickies = more speed so always put down 8 before jumping so you always get to your destination faster. Especially effective indoors with low ceilings. Less vertical movement = faster horizontal movement. Also remember to use this to help out friendly snipers. Just drop a sticky in front of them while aiming and detonate! While it will shake up their screen a bit you'll also give them a tiny explosion to hide behind briefly!

The ullapool caber (Broken):

I cannot stress this enough, USE ONCE ON THE FLOOR! We need the explosive "disarmed" for this loadout to work. This will allow you to do extremely small amounts of damage once you jump behind someone. Tiny damage like that will make the enemies think a scout behind them has clipped them, and off searching they'll go only to find no scouts, leaving plenty of time for your team to complete the objective.
Did you know the heavy is an artist? It's true, and like any great artist the heavy is capable of invoking whatever emotion he wants from those that gaze into his work.

The Tomislav:
Slower firing speed = more precision. The slow firing speed of the tomislav is perfect for creating brilliant works of bullet hole art into walls, draw a scary ghost to frighten enemies away from key areas, or a smiley face to ensure your team "It's going to be ok guys, Have a nice day" the possibilities are endless. With this weapon and the only limit is your imagination.

The sandvich:

Have you ever stopped to think "why are we fighting the other team? Is all this violence necessary?" The heavy has because he's an artist and he's deep like that. So why not bring a peace offering for those on the other side? Just use your artistic skill to make a welcoming mural and host a feast for the opposing force and soon you'll find that everyone wins.

The holiday punch:

The heavy is determined to end the fighting and this weapon is a shining symbol in his battle for peace. Locking someone in eternal laughter ensures they won't be fighting anyone. So stay behind the enemy and never stop tickling. The other team will be one man down, but one man wiser when he realizes that laughter is indeed the best medicine.
The engineer is a peculiar case of being extremely useful in most situations but with a little help from spies this can be remedied.

Frontier justice:

Fewer bullets means fewer reasons to fight, and with proper sentry placement you won't have to worry about any crits causing that lag inducing glow.

The short circuit:

I'm amazed how few people use this glorious weapon. I bet you've been wondering, "How can I stop all these jumping demomen that tap me on the shoulder and make me think a scout is behind me?" Of course you have and the answer is simple, have an engineer on the frontlines using this to stop those sticky jumps before they happen.

The eureka effect:

The short circuit is an expensive weapon to use and metal runs out very quickly. Make sure you always have this on you for quick trips back to a resupply cabinet so you can keep those pesky flying demomen in check. Remember though, taunting to get back leaves you open sometimes so always build teleporters leading from the frontlines into your spawn in case you need a quicker resupply.
"Splosion it's too hard to follow the jumping demomen! How can I heal them!?"

Don't worry medics allow me to help.

The Crusader's Crossbow:

Now before I tell you how to follow those demomen to help them with the distractions you'll need a weapon that does just as little damage. Lucky for you the crossbow achieves this but only in point blank range so make sure you never fire it outside that. You can also use this weapon to place several arrows into friendly players making them appear very hurt, little does the enemy know that they aren't hurt at all! However you should only try this from within the safety of the spawn room so you can insure that it looks realistic. Nothing blows this disguise like an enemy spotting you while applying it.

The Quick-Fix:

This is how you follow those demomen! The quickfix will let you soar through the air with absolutely zero room for error and allow you to land exactly where he does 100% of the time! Make sure you never right click when using this though as sometimes the weapon will flip out and make these lag inducing colors start flashing everywhere. Those lag spikes mean that when the enemy turns around looking for that "Scout" they might spot you instead!

The Vita Saw:

This thing looks like it's straight out of bioshock! To use that to your advantage just run up the enemy and say "Hey guess what game this weapon is from!" They'll be so confused (as it's clearly from bioshock but in TF2) that they will immediately minimize the game to find some information on wikipedia, for added benefits, try to DDOS wikipedia so it won't load, thus taking them out of the fight longer.
Snipers have very important roles in the game despite what you may have heard. Breaking ubercharges being the primary one, so you will need....

The Huntsman:

I know what you're thinking. How does this break an uber? The taunt of course! Make sure you never actually fire the weapon as ammo is very limited and ubers can pop up anywhere anytime. Whenever you see an ubercharged enemy rushing towards you just run out in front of them and taunt. They will be stunlocked and unable to finish their push. Make sure to shout a convincing war cry over chat to frighten them out of attacking you during your mighty charge!

The Cozy Camper:

INFINITE FREE HEALTH! Wow Valve? OP much? There's never a reason not to take this, you can never die while using it! Besides you'll need all the health you can get while running up to those ubered heavies.

The tribalman's shiv:

Since you get free health forever why not slowly take away health from others? This weapon lets you do just that, all it takes is running up to someone, hitting them once, and running away to leave them to bleed to death. You monster.
Quickly tell me what is the spy's role!? I bet you guessed wrong. You see with the sniper preoccupied with stopping ubercharges someone has to handle long range threats.

The Ambassador:

Headshots are always needed and lucky for us we have a sniper alternative for it. This thing even has the added upside of no scope so you get full FOV! Just try to not dominate everyone on the other side of the map. And when I say other side of the map, I mean enemy spawn...

The Cloak and Dagger:

Information is power. We all know that. According to G.I. Joe it's half the battle, the other half is probably jumping from how many classes rely on it. Make sure you're always invisible with this watch. You can truly spy on the enemy and tell your team mates all about what they're up to. Which is most likely having a party they didn't invite your team to, but when you're invisible you don't need an invitation.

Your eternal reward:

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be someone else? Well this knife let's you do just that! It doesn't do much damage so wait for your demoman to drop in and weaken someone before you take their life from them. Then spam as many chat commands as possible to implicate others as the real spy. Once the seeds of suspicion have been sown the enemy team will kill each other for you!
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A Human Failure May 24, 2014 @ 12:00pm 
Thanks for the awesome guide! A funny moment I had was when a sniper was sniping (he was doing very well on his own) I went demoman and spammed sticky jumper bombs at him. It screwed up his aim, he turned and looked at me and typed in the chat: "Seriously?" He got sniped right after chatting.
Slothplays Jul 1, 2013 @ 4:40pm 
I always go soldier with the rocket jumper, but used as a rocket launcher. It makes for great fun from the reactions of people thinking you are an idiot.
Frep May 31, 2013 @ 6:54pm 
Iron_Lemon Mar 12, 2013 @ 2:12pm 
Best. Guide. Ever. I will be that soldier. (I already have the loadout xD).
King Bowser Koopa Feb 16, 2013 @ 1:24pm 
Frontier justice should be replaced with Rescue Ranger
Slapple Feb 11, 2013 @ 2:29pm 
BIG DICK Feb 6, 2013 @ 12:17pm 
to op pls nerf
Short Stuff Jan 29, 2013 @ 4:50pm 
With the Dalokoh's Bar, you can't make the enemy happy by feeding them healthy sandviches! Using Chocolate is just monsterous. It could give them diabetes!
bleghfarec Dec 27, 2012 @ 4:31pm 
Why not put the Dalokoh's Bar? It has infinite ammo!
Blaze482 Dec 23, 2012 @ 6:31pm 
this shat be true