nigga pee
Connell   Nova Scotia, Canada
I get into my car every day and without even looking at the vacant space in my passenger seat you once occupied, begin to cry. So many spaces we shared together I exist in alone and I never expected it to be this way. I never thought the spaces I would call home would feel this cold and alien to me in my life, but it took you leaving for me to realize that those spaces weren't home, you were. You were my home and now you're gone and everything feels cold and empty.
I replay the memories you and I made together in my mind and watch them slip through my fingers like sand. You are the breeze on a cold day that makes me look backwards on the sidewalk, looking for your face on the heads I already know belong to strangers. I'll look for you in everything that I have to until you decide to be the solid foundation on which I stand again.
The image of your crystalline blue eyes looking into me as the sun glistens off of your freckles is burned into my mind, your smile and perfect teeth seared into me. I will never forget how happy you looked on the days we spent together as I know that without you my days will never be anything haunting reminders of much better ones like rats biting at my feet. Every single day I go outside is a living nightmare just as real and terrifying as the ones I have when I dare close my eyes without you.
I listen to the rain outside the window next to my bed and I'm immediately taken back to those cold Autumn nights our hands would dance with each other, finding spaces in each other before their embrace as we walked home. The cold used to be something we braved together, but ever since you left it's something that strips me to my core every single time. The rain will always sound like it did the night you left to me, the closing of the door behind you as you went on to brave that cold alone while I freeze in silence.
I lie awake in this dirt lot watching the stars in the night sky shine their lights on me knowing the sad reality their light, like your love, has been dead for a very long time and what I'm receiving is the delayed transmission of the pieces of a much better time. The night sky makes me feel more lost than I'd ever been since I started associating it with you.
Another night jailed within my own thoughts unable to leave, you the warden of my heart and mind. There was a time I gave you the key to my heart hoping it would free me, but the day you left you led me in, locked me up and walked away key in hand. I spend every aching day here hoping you'll come back to let me out and let me swallow the key, but you'll forever be the warden of my heart.
I awaken to a thousand memories of us flashing through my mind in an instant - and they're gone just like you. Words will never be able to describe how significant a blow the loss of you was to me or how badly I want to just talk to you again. But that'll never happen.
Everywhere I go I'm haunted by the ghost of you, going out to lunch alone, going out to dinner alone. This loneliness invades my mind like a storm cloud fills and obscures the sky. I think about jokes I used to tell you at our favorite places and have to hold back tears. I never thought you leaving me would hurt this badly.
God, the memories of you just won't stop. They come and go at varying highs and lows throughout my day to remind me of just how better my life was with you in it, and how happy you made me. I wish I made you nearly as happy so you could've stayed.
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