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Recent reviews by Dr. Dastardly, Ph.D

Showing 1-8 of 8 entries
4 people found this review helpful
2 people found this review funny
28.1 hrs on record
Early Access Review
I do not and can not recommend this game to the average person, nor people with a casual interest in rogue-likes or card-battlers. This is a game for people who hate themselves, the world, and everything.

This is a game devoid of positive outcomes or powerful strategies; this is a game where every card is awful, and every turn is a total sh*t-sandwich. Are you interested in failing around the same point, no matter what you do? Then by all means; slay the spire.

I signed on for broken combos and powerful strategies, but there is just nothing like that here. There are absolutely no power-trips here. You sign up to be weak, from start to finish, and overcome every boss with only 1 turn to spare. I guess that might attract some people; as for me, it's an enormous turn-off. At just over 20 hours played, this was a seriously disappointing purchase, not remotely worth sticker price of $17.

In hindsight, this is a weirdly-good flash-era game, and an awful pay-to-play game. Don't even wait for it to go on sale; wait for it to be cloned in a browser.
Posted February 13, 2018.
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4 people found this review helpful
189.5 hrs on record
I am unbelievably impressed. I've played a lot of survival games, but I've never seen an ending with credits before...

This game is simply a masterpiece. Unknown Worlds, I thank you.

The less you know going in, the better. I cannot more wholeheartedly recommend this game. Do the world a favor, and support Subnautica.
Posted February 2, 2018.
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14 people found this review helpful
2 people found this review funny
152.3 hrs on record
After many hours of play, and due consideration, I regret to say that this is simply a bad game. I do not recommend it now, and I do not believe it will ever turn into something worth buying.

I play solo exclusively, in a PvE survival sandbox manner, and in all respects the experience is lacking. Character creation feels too weak, survival is alternately too easy or intensely unfair, progression and building is exhausting, the combat is positively ABYSMAL, the AI is, frankly, a joke... It's sad, really. I think the devs have significantly more vision than they have the talent, time, or ability to bring to life.

As far as multiplayer sandbox survival goes... Are you f*cking kidding me? The progression is so, painfully slow... You want me to have that experience constantly interrupted and reset by griefers and legitimate players alike? Other players in video games EXCLUSIVELY make the experience worse; end of story. This game is certainly no exception; the devs spend nearly all of their time fixing all of the new exploits and other gimmicks the toxic fan base has cooked up to ruin it for everyone else.

There's very little positive to say about this game. Boobs, I guess? The world is believably sculpted, I suppose? Dong physics are pretty cool; I like any step towards eliminating censorship. Also, the devs do genuinely seem to care for their IP. But at the end of the day, can they turn it into a game worth playing? My opinion: Don't count on it.

UPDATE: 5/8/2018 - Release Day

I decided to give Conan another shot after the combat revamp, and I am not impressed. It's true, the combat does feel better. Skill is more a concern, and weapon selection matters. But at the end of the day, it just feels like "Dark Souls Done Badly", a combat system that apes other, successful combat systems without knowing why they were successful in the first place. This thoroughly underwhelming revamp, in the face of glaring, irrirating, and persistent rough spots, glitches, bugs, and other errors, has earned Conan a 50% stronger Not-Recommended review from me.

For instance, the game STILL does not work properly on dual monitor setups, and always opens at the wrong resolution, requiring me to enter and leave the video settings menu to fix, literally every single time I open the game (Note: You have to (conveniently) close and open the game every single time you add or remove a mod. This error gets old, FAST, and itself is months old already). This is a product ready for release?

You want more? In-game hair and clothing physics often break, for no readily available reason, never to work again. Building in certain places is, for no clear reason, impossible. Collecting items in third person underwater is a backbreaking experience, as the character pinions 90 degrees at the hip while their legs are still swimming. Often, the character's Y-axis becomes stuck, preventing aiming weapon attacks or even turning their head. As such, it's impossible to hit low or high targets, and possible to look directly down into the interior of the character mesh. After another handful of hours over a couple days, all I could think was "They believe this is ready for release?!"

There's so much unpolished, unfinished, unfixed garbage, and so many unimplemented ideas, this release to "1.0" is an act of pure hubris and panic, completely despicable and deletrious of the video game industry at large. This is yet another negative example towards the entire idea of early access; video game hucksters with promises they can't possibly keep and an ultimately under-delivered product. It's games like this that make people say the video game industry is dead.

I'm more than disappointed in Conan: Exiles; I'm disgusted.
Posted November 28, 2017. Last edited May 8, 2018.
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4 people found this review helpful
2 people found this review funny
625.3 hrs on record
Early Access Review
Dear Indie Stone,

You, and your team, continue to do phenomenal work. I love Project Zomboid, and love what you guys are doing with it. I know good things take time, and you're free to take all the time in the world. I trust you. I believe in you.

It must be hard tolerating the impatience and misunderstanding of the malcontents. As far as I can tell, you're doing a great job with that, too. I see the weariness behind your patience; please know your efforts are not in vain. If you ask me, you're making the saints jealous.

Keep up the great work!

Dr. Dastardly
Posted October 3, 2016.
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3 people found this review helpful
355.2 hrs on record
As taken as I am with Dragon Ball Xenoverse, I don't believe I can recommend it to anyone but fans of the Dragon Ball series. For those people... I can't recommend it highly enough.

The graphics are perfect (It really does feel like playing an episode of Dragon Ball Z), the combat is, for lack of better summary, excellent, the story was incredibly well done (Historical battles are faithfully represented, cut scenes closely mimic the manga, timeline alterations are tasteful and fit well), and Cell's voice acting is at least 30% better than in the TV show.

Now that's all well and good, but the avatar creation and character customization take the cake. Placing your hero alongside the Z Warriors is pure, concentrated childhood wish-fulfillment. The feels you'll feel the first time you go Super Saiyan are hard to describe, but fall somewhere between "Boner-rific" and "Worth the price of admission".

$50 is a small price to pay to go Super Saiyan. You do want to be a Super Saiyan, don't you?
Posted March 4, 2015.
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1 person found this review helpful
405.2 hrs on record
Early Access Review
TL;DR - I love this game. I recommend you buy it quickly and play immediately.

Space Engineers. Where do I begin? With hundreds of hours under my belt, I have a genuinely hard time thinking of criticisms. To preface what follows, I maintain absolute certainty that my trite critiques will be smoothed over given only time. Keen Software has given me utterly no reason to doubt their vision. I have been playing (and loving) this game since before antennas worked (or thrusters even had textures), and it just keeps getting better and better with each patch. Now then...

- Developers. Constant patching, fixes, additions and more. I <3 you Keen!
- Creative mode. Space Legos that work. Ohmigodyes.
- Survival Mode. Try downloading a skybox with no light source for a truly hardcore experience. Highly rewarding.
- Workshop. This game once screamed for community mods... They're now every bit as awesome as I had hoped.
- Physics. It is an extremely convincing volumetric space physics simulator.
- Graphics. Clean, simple, spartan art with crisp edges. Want something flashy? Hit up the Workshop.
- Controls. Maybe I'm biased, but movement feels fluid, intuitive, and natural.
- Music. Would buy an official soundtrack.

- Some minor crashes. In 200+ hours, I have crashed maybe 3 times. No big deal.
- Performance. Frame rates suffer in the presence of grander structures. Optimization could use a little work.
- Multiplayer. It works, but could work better. Recent patches have made this "Meh" rather than "Con".
- Purpose. A lack of clearly defined purpose permeates this game, and can be off-putting for some. Personally, I feel this title is designed for you to create your own purpose, but I still have mixed feelings. A simple mission computer with "quests" to undertake would be huge.
- Alpha-stage weirdness. In my time with Space Engineers, many strange, inexplicable things have happened. They are not game breaking, or even really irritating, but more of a curiosity that breaks immersion.
- Doesn't make me sandwiches. C'mon Keen, make it happen!

- User Interface. This is the part of Space Engineers that makes it feel most like an alpha. All menus, icons, and buttons are clunky, unintuitive, and ugly. You get used to it in time, but you shouldn't have to.
- Sound. The sound in this game is alpha (Essentially placeholders), and has been stated to be such. It is not representative of sound in space and I find it to be a glaring break from the immersion, especially in survival.
- Atmosphere. I don't mean the atmosphere of Space Engineers itself, but literal atmospheres: There is no pressurization of ships, management of air/water/cooling, and no leaving the space suit. Hot damn, that'd be awesome if there were.

In conclusion, I would grant Space Engineers a solid 9.8/10.0. Every engineer knows no design is perfect, but this one is perfect enough. This game is already worth it's weight in the gold ingots I keep in my cargo hold (All 18,000kg of it) and only destined to get better.
Posted October 9, 2014.
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No one has rated this review as helpful yet
902.5 hrs on record
After so many hours, I have either too much or too little to say about this game (I can't decide). For now...

Buy this game. Seriously, buy it.

I don't see you buying it yet.
Posted July 13, 2014.
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2 people found this review helpful
325.4 hrs on record
Early Access Review
This game does not suck. I anticipate it will continue to un-suck, perhaps to greater and greater degrees, as development continues.

Update: October 2015

It didn't suck then, it sucks a lot less now. From that first week this game has come a long way. At no point have I regretted my purchase, and I love the direction the game appears to be heading. Good on the Fun Pimps.
Posted December 20, 2013. Last edited October 20, 2015.
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Showing 1-8 of 8 entries