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89 of 89 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:27pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 1:04am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:39am

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:00am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:05am

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 2:52am

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:38am

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 8:17am

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!

Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 10:50am

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 11:48am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 2:21am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 3:23am

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 4:40am

Cesar Millan is Very Happy

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 6:35am

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale

Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 7:27am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 8:11am

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 1:35am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 10:34am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 2:25am

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 8:48am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 10:27am

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 11:17am

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:56am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 12:58am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 11:39am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:52am

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:48pm

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 9:08am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 9:10am

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 1:04am

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 8:30am

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 1:25am

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 3:28am

Anustart!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Unlocked Feb 18, 2017 @ 6:04am

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 7:47am

CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)
Unlocked Feb 18, 2017 @ 9:11am

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked Feb 18, 2017 @ 4:38am

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked Feb 18, 2017 @ 4:38am

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:50pm

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 2:42am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 11:47am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:33pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 10:35am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 3:01am

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 8:32am

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 6:02am

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 11:49am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:06am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:46am

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 1:13am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:30pm

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:50am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:26pm

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:44am

FAB-U-LOUS!

Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 10:05am

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:59am

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:49pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 8:41am

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 11:33pm

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:43am

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:22am

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 1:41am

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 9:34am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 6:06am

John Rambo'd!

Made a very long killing spree.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 1:06am

Gary vs. The K. Man

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 1:50am

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 10:53am

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 4:41am

GABAGOOOOOL!

Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 9:11am

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 4:43am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 6:51am

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 8:28am

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 10:06am

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
Unlocked Feb 18, 2017 @ 9:01am

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked Feb 16, 2017 @ 12:24pm

Adderall4All

Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Feb 15, 2017 @ 10:40am

Ape Gape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 10:47am

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 8:29am

PooMasher

Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 10:33am

Hobo Sexual

Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 5:10am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 6:17am

Ode to Eddings

Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 7:26am

Ladies Love Cake

Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 6:50am

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 5:08am

BioShocked

Spent $2000 on vending machines.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 7:11am

Gettin DP'd

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 8:47am

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2017 @ 6:05am

RAFIBOMB!!!

Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked Feb 13, 2017 @ 2:25am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!
Unlocked Feb 12, 2017 @ 7:51am