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39 of 89 (44%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:14pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:26pm

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:06pm

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:42pm

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:56pm

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:49pm

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 4:11pm


Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 8:00pm

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 11:40am

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 12:41pm

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 10:11am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:40pm

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 8:16am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 7:45pm

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 8:34am

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:02pm

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 5:24pm

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 12:25pm

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 9:06am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 5:07pm

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 8:57am


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 11:23am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:11pm

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 10:47am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:37pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 4:26pm

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 8:57am

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 11:42am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:27pm

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:54pm

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 8:23am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:13pm

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 5:19pm

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 3:56pm


Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Jan 1, 2014 @ 8:36am

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Dec 30, 2013 @ 5:09pm

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 6:00pm

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Dec 31, 2013 @ 5:35pm

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:36pm

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.

Cesar Millan is Very Happy

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
3 / 30


Roasted 30 people with fire.
3 / 30

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
1 / 30

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
0 / 30


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.


Reunited with an old friend.

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
0 / 30


Spent $2000 on vending machines.
0 / 5,000

Gettin DP'd

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
0 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.


Kicked 10 people in the balls.
0 / 30

12 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked