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5 of 28 (18%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked Jul 25, 2020 @ 4:58pm

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked Jul 25, 2020 @ 4:58pm

Meet Your Maker

Penetrate God.
Unlocked Jul 25, 2020 @ 5:34pm

Summer Job

Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Unlocked Jul 25, 2020 @ 5:35pm

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked Jul 25, 2020 @ 5:05pm

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.


Submit your monthly physical report.

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.


Die a lot of times in your nightmares.

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.


Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.

2 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked