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11 of 89 (12%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
Unlocked Nov 28, 2018 @ 10:28am

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Nov 28, 2018 @ 9:55am

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Dec 1, 2018 @ 9:40am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Dec 1, 2018 @ 11:12am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2018 @ 9:22am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Dec 1, 2018 @ 9:42am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2018 @ 9:17am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2018 @ 9:26am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Nov 28, 2018 @ 10:27am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Dec 1, 2018 @ 11:32am

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Nov 24, 2018 @ 9:14am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.


Survived Wednesday.

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
4 / 30


Roasted 30 people with fire.
26 / 30

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
7 / 30

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
4 / 30

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
0 / 30

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
0 / 10

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
0 / 10

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
0 / 3

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
0 / 30

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
226 / 1,000

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
0 / 30

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
0 / 30


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
0 / 30


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
0 / 20

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.


Wore all three outfits.

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.


Reunited with an old friend.

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
0 / 30


Spent $2000 on vending machines.
0 / 5,000

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
0 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.


Kicked 10 people in the balls.
1 / 30

14 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked