Me and my best bro used to play this game where we suck each others' ♥♥♥♥♥ and call the person who ♥♥♥♥ first a ♥♥♥. I usually win because my bro's never been all that great at ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and when he jizzes in my mouth, I make him finish me off then give him a passionate kiss so he has to swallow both loads. Then I berate him for the next hour or so about what a total ♥♥♥ he is. To this day I've acumulated over 1200 victories in this battle of skill and edurance, not only over my best bro, but over hundreds of other chalengers. Each just wishing to earn the right to even call me a ♥♥♥.
So next time you decide to try to insult me by claiming I'm a ♥♥♥ just remember I doubt you could suck off a ♥♥♥♥ even half as well as I can.

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I think everyone knows by now that the easiest way to get a huntsman spider to stop coming in your house is to flip it over and suck its ♥♥♥♥
Hear me out.
Carry a spatula around and when you see one, flip it onto its back. They're surprisingly docile once they're in that position. Then, all you need to do is gently press on its abdomen to retract its penis. It will be small; approximately the size of a thin pencil eraser. Use the tip of your tongue to manipulate it to full erection, then suck with your lips until it ejaculates; usually 30-45 minutes later. If you don't feel the rush of semen, you will know by its legs scratching playfully at your face when it gets oversensitive afterwards.
The main trick is not to swallow the spider semen. Trust me, I know it will be tempting. But no, pick up the spider and let him outside, then drool its ejaculate material near the entrances to your house. Spiders are highly promiscuous, and its semen mixed with your saliva will signal him to move on to another house. Spiders do NOT like to get their ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ by the same person twice.

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*Knock*

He shouldn't be here.

*Knock*

This is a mistake.

*Knock*

Moses materialized out of thin air, carrying his Shepard's staff and dressed in simple garments, that (had it been any other man) Jesus would normally not find unattractive. But Moses was no ordinary man.

"My Lord and Savior," Moses said, "what brings you to Egypt?"

"I heard what you did for your people," Jesus said. "I came. To thank you."

That was mostly true. Jesus came to thank the Shepard, but he would not leave until the Shepard personally thanked him.

"Really?" Moses stammered. "You came for me?"

Jesus couldn't help but laugh. "For you, I'd come any day..."

Moses' eyes widened with pleasure. "My prayers have been answered."

He let Jesus inside, not knowing that soon he would be inside of Jesus.

The two men sat at a table for supper.

"Would you like some water? I'm afraid it's all I have," Moses said sheepishly.

Jesus chuckled. "You forget who I am."

With a devilish grin, he turned the water into wine.

As Jesus took his first sip, Moses teased, "I know something else you can swallow."

Jesus choked on his liquor, nearly spitting it out. He felt an intense surge of shame when Moses, as sly as a fox, pulled out a slice of bread.

Jesus ♥♥♥♥♥♥ an eyebrow. "Those weren't the buns I was expecting."

"Oh really," Moses said, "which buns were you expecting?"

Jesus felt his phallus inch closer to heaven, throbbing with the holy spirit. Unable to deliver himself from sin, he reached for Moses' staff. It too inched closer to heaven.

Moses shuddered at the touch. Every nerve ending in his body was a live wire. Unable to resist his desire for the body of Christ, he led Jesus to his bed.

Moses planted feverish kisses on Jesus' lips, slowly migrating to his chiseled jaw, stripping him with his teeth. Jesus wrapped his arms around Moses, firmly squeezing the buns he had been expecting. They were firm.

As he pulled their bodies flush, Moses growled in Jesus' ear, nibbling on the lob. "Let me take you to the land of milk and honey."

Jesus was caught off guard momentarily, but a new found excitement coursed through his veins and he turned Moses over, ready to sodomize.

"Jesus Christ," Moses said, "you forget who I am!"

With brute force, Moses flopped their positions, parting Jesus' cheeks like he did the Red Sea. A low moan escaped Jesus' lips.

Moses toyed with the Son of God. At first, he gently kissed his back slowly making his way down to Jesus' tight, pink eye. Jesus egged him on, moaning his father's name in vain.

"Oh God!" Jesus screamed, as he felt Moses' staff pulse. This was his purpose.

"Bite the pillow," Moses commanded. "I'm going in dry."

This wasn't the first time Jesus had been nailed, but it was the first time he enjoyed it.

With each thrust, Jesus felt the sting of Moses' burning bush, until his own caught fire, and he was in ecstasy...

He felt Moses tense inside of him. And then he felt the Nile flushing his bowels.

"Thy kingdom ♥♥♥," Jesus moaned.

"That was the milk," Moses teased, "now here's the honey!"

Moses poured the concoction onto Jesus' chest, licking his fingers seductively, and continued spreading the thick syrup until Jesus' phallus glistened. Moses feverishly licked it all, lapping his tongue around the most sacred ♥♥♥♥ known to man. Jesus squirted his own milk.

"My Prince," he says, caressing Moses' beard.

Exhausted, the two men slept for three days, and though Jesus had to leave, Moses vowed to abide by the ten commandments, until Jesus returned for his second ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥...

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I just ate some fried chicken. The breasts were juicy, and the buns were soft and warm. Afterwards, the division manager of Popeyes came up to my table and asked me how the meal was.l said I was satisfied, but the meal lacked a certain je ne sais quoi. He apologized profusely, and said he had something to show me that would make up for it. He lead me to the back of the popeyes, to a room soaked from floor to ceiling in blood. In the center of it was a live horse, chained by all four legs to the structural supports of the warehouse like room. As I watched, employees of the popeyes cut large sections from the horse, which was whinneying and screaming in horror, the remaining sections of its body covered with festering sores and a froth of sweat. The popeyes employees took the chunks of horseflesh and sliced them into pieces, then they rooted around through the bags of trash strewn around the room to find discarded chicken bones. They quickly tenderized the meat with sledgehammers and fed it into a machine which formed the horsemeat around the bones, then they breaded and deepfried it. I asked the division manager why he had led me back to this place, and he pointed at the steed's rump, the diseased ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ puckering rythmically with terror, squirting pus with each convulsion. "We're just about to use that section, would you like a crack at it first?" I quickly unzipped my pants and wasted no time jamming my erect penis into the stallion's defenseless ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I came just as the horse died. I was delighted. Popeyes definitely went the extra mile to make me a satisfied customer.