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38 of 89 (43%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
Unlocked May 6, 2014 @ 9:31pm

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 7:37am

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 7:35pm

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked May 6, 2014 @ 10:08pm

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 7:12pm

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 11:28pm


Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked May 8, 2014 @ 6:39pm

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked May 9, 2014 @ 2:49am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked May 10, 2014 @ 1:52am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked May 10, 2014 @ 9:02pm

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked May 10, 2014 @ 1:36am


Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked May 8, 2014 @ 5:20am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 6:00pm

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 11:21pm

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked May 12, 2016 @ 5:51am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked May 10, 2014 @ 1:58am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 8:22am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked May 8, 2014 @ 4:04am

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked May 8, 2014 @ 6:30pm


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked May 10, 2014 @ 1:55am

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 7:42pm

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked May 8, 2014 @ 5:31am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 11:27pm

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Jul 29, 2016 @ 10:27pm

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked May 6, 2014 @ 6:02am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 7:38am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked May 7, 2014 @ 9:02am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Jul 29, 2016 @ 9:53pm

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked May 8, 2014 @ 8:30pm


Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked May 9, 2014 @ 2:38am

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked May 10, 2014 @ 9:03pm

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Jul 28, 2016 @ 9:55am


Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Jul 30, 2016 @ 10:33pm

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Jul 31, 2016 @ 10:27am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked Aug 4, 2016 @ 6:36am

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked Aug 7, 2016 @ 5:52am

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked May 12, 2016 @ 6:07am

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked Jul 31, 2016 @ 5:14am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
22 / 30

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
7 / 30

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
0 / 30

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
0 / 10

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
0 / 3

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
10 / 30

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
12 / 30


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
0 / 20

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
14 / 30


Spent $2000 on vending machines.
1,165 / 5,000

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
4 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.


Kicked 10 people in the balls.
8 / 30

13 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked