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Recent reviews by Yellow Butter

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3 people found this review helpful
123.9 hrs on record (27.1 hrs at review time)
It all started when our protagonist, Civ 5, woke up in a pumpkin patch. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously exasperated, Civ 5 groped a sock, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unexpectedly, he realized that his beloved Dildo of truth was missing! Immediately he called his friend, Leroy Jenkins. Civ 5 had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Civ 5 called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very happy Civ 5. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most koalas yawn before mating, yet otters usually earnestly grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Civ 5. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Civ 5? Because he had snuck out from Civ 5's with the Dildo of truth only four days prior. It was a saucy little Dildo of truth... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Civ 5 got back to the subject at hand: his Dildo of truth. Leroy Jenkins sighed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Dildo of truth. Civ 5 grabbed his desk and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Dildo of truth and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Civ 5 took the truck, he had take at least eleven minutes before Civ 5 would get there. But if he took the ass? Then Leroy Jenkins would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by seven abrasive aligators that were lured by his Dildo of truth. Leroy Jenkins sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he thoughtfully reached for his mitten and aptly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the ass rolling up. It was Civ 5.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Civ 5 was out of the ass and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Dildo of truth into a box of mittens and then slid the box behind his piano. Leroy Jenkins was concerned but at least the Dildo of truth was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins sassily purred. With a careful push, Civ 5 opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling maniac in a Vette,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Civ 5 took a seat vaguely close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the Dildo of truth. Leroy Jenkins cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Civ 5 was distracted. Without warning, Leroy Jenkins noticed a selfish look on Civ 5's face. Civ 5 slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his butt when Civ 5 asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Dildo of truth right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Civ 5's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's mittens from when she used to have pet bunnies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Civ 5 nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Civ 5 randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Dildo of truth was plainly in view.

Civ 5 stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been four seconds. Unexpectedly, Leroy Jenkins groped wildly in Civ 5's direction, clearly desperate. Civ 5 grabbed the Dildo of truth and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Civ 5,' he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little insensitive, so Civ 5 knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking mittens at him or something. All of a sudden, he gripped his Dildo of truth tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Civ 5. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Civ 5. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Civ 5 was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Civ 5 was struggling to make his way through the pumpkin patch behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Civ 5 had severely hurt his arm during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral aligators suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Dildo of truth. One by one they latched on to Civ 5. Already weakened from his injury, Civ 5 yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of aligators running off with his Dildo of truth.

About seven hours later, Civ 5 awoke, his butt throbbing. It was dark and Civ 5 did not know where he was. Deep in the humid desert, Civ 5 was abundantly lost. A few minutes later, he remembered that his Dildo of truth was taken by the aligators. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized aligator emerged from the cornfield. It was the alpha aligator. Civ 5 opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the aligator sunk its teeth into Civ 5's face. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Civ 5's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Dildo of truth. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened spoon. With a heroic thrust, he buried it deeply into his neck. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Civ 5... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Dildo of truth that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant aligators, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Posted December 14, 2013.
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