T3h Ub3r K1tten
Michael West   United States
website [mwe.st]

My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy tear gassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time when he opened his eyes! Oh man! At first it was funny, then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh man!

Man I love malls. I do. Once I was in this mall, up in Atlanta, and these guys were dancing for like money and stuff and my friend Dave and I was all...

Jimmy Gibbs, Jr. is the man. I mean I don't know anybody like that, man. But there was this guy I knew, he raced dirt tracks, not stock cars but open wheeled cars you know, and he was racing once and a goat...

I knew this guy once who tried to set a world record for sittin' up on top of a Ferris wheel. He'd been up there for like, two days, and he wanted some beer, but they weren't givin' him any. So he got this rope--don't ask me where he got the rope from--

I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard? Mower blade wounds over 90% of his body. I didn't run him over either, he somehow managed to fall under his own.

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the tunnel of love? You wouldn't think it could happen cause the water's so shallow, but that's how it gets you man. Overconfidence. Keith was with his lady at the time, and he was yellin' for her to save him, but she didn't want to get wet.

I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck a paintball gun on a roller coaster? I never heard'a anybody else doin' it, so I thought we might'a invented a sport, so Keith called the patent office, but--

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell out the rollercoaster? Yeah he didn't drop far, mind you, just onto the tracks, but the carnival people wouldn't stop the ride 'cause all the other people paid good money and Keith snuck on for free, so he had to dodge for like twenty minutes or so.

I ever tell you about the time Keith and I made fireworks? Now, I didn't know shit about chemistry, but Keith figured, "Gasoline burns, doesn't it?" Third degree burns on ninety-five percent of his body. Man, people in the next city over were calling to complain about the smell of burning skin.

I ever tell you about the time Keith tried to deep fry a turkey? Third degree burns over ninety percent of his body. His doctor called up, like, other doctors to look at him cause they'd never seen burns on top of existing burns--

Man, all this mud reminds me of my friend Keith. Yeah, he was goin' to build a shack once, to live in and all, and I know most people here, they build houses and they become shacks, but Keith, he was about jumpin' right to the shack stage. But he had no wood. So he got some mud and was makin' what we were all thinkin' was gonna be these adobe bricks, you know, like when them people out west made bricks and shit? Well, he had mud and...
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1rexer1 Jul 2, 2017 @ 2:48pm 
ma new fwrend
Sieg Kyle Mar 15, 2016 @ 11:31am 
Sieg Kyle Mar 14, 2016 @ 4:59pm 
Are you sure I am the ♥♥♥♥♥ pic stealer? I demand PROOF of your ♥♥♥♥♥
Sieg Kyle Mar 12, 2016 @ 3:43pm 
cryptex Jan 26, 2015 @ 9:11pm 
ayy lmao
PlausibleFilly Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:58pm