392 people found this review helpful
1,583 people found this review funny
2
5
Recommended
0.0 hrs last two weeks / 987.8 hrs on record (224.0 hrs at review time)
Posted: Jan 7, 2016 @ 12:24pm
Updated: Jan 7, 2016 @ 12:31pm

My friend and I decided to play a multiplayer game of Crusader Kings II earlier. Never in my life have I ever been more frightened in a video game. Let me explain.

My friend and I decided to be counts in different kingdoms and empires. My character was a little interesting.

First Name: 12
Last Name: ISIS
Goal: Spread my "seed" to all corners of the world
Location: England
Rank: Count of Kent

I had set the goal of spreading my "seed" all over the world because I thought it would make for some interesting gameplay, and boy did something interesting happen.

The game started off normal, my friend was in the Holy Roman Empire as a Duke, and I was in the nearby province of Kent in England, not far from the border of the Holy Roman Empire so we were both well within diplomatic range. I started to spread my "seed" by seducing as many women as I could. I tended to seduce the women who had high rankings, such as the Empress of the Holy Roman Empire, the Queen of England, Queen of France, and other higher ranking women. My fertility was well above average, and basically any woman I seduced would have a child.

After a couple of decades having passed, my friend had become Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, and I spread my seed to almost every major kingdom and empire in diplomatic range (little did my friend know, he was actually playing as my illegitimate child that I had with the Empress of the Holy Roman Empire). You could always tell which children were mine based on their names. Most of my children had the most ridiculous names like, "THANKS OBAMA" or "Nigerian Prince Simulator". But, there was one child I had that would cause a lot of problems for everyone. His name was "Forgot the Condom".

"Forgot the Condom" was a normal child at first. He grew up till the age of 6 relatively normal, but then something went horribly wrong. While trying to seduce more women, I got a notification in the game. This is essentially what the notification said: "My son 'Forgot the Condom' is not like other children. He does not scream or cry or even get upset, but he observes the world with keen interest. This morning, he burst into bubbling laughter when a cook cut his hand badly and there was blood everywhere. Animals do not like him and he makes a strange buzzing sound when near other children. Courtiers whisper 'demon spawn' and the servants have started to avert their eyes and make covert signs to ward off evil." After telling my friend about the event (he had a lot more experience in the game than me), he immediately mentioned that I should stop whatever I was doing and kill my child. My friend exact words were, "Your son is a demon, you have to kill him or it will be too late."

"Too late?" I asked. My friend remained silent. At the time, the only way to kill your own child was to imprision them and execute them. So, I decided I would try to do that. Well, whenever I tried to imprison "Forgot the Condom", he ended up escaping and fleeing the country. I explain this to my friend and he tells me, "We have to kill him, somehow." At the time, neither my friend nor I knew about the character search tool in the game, so we had to manually find "Forgot the Condom" in all of the provinces. We looked for 30 minutes, and could not find him. After we finished searching, we decided to continue with the game as normal. "Let's just hope nothing bad happens", my friend exclaimed.

Five years pass, and I get a notification. It reads: "My dear daughter 'SWAGYOLO420NOSCOPE" must have suffered a stroke in her sleep last night. She was found drooling in bed, one eye bloodshot, mumbling about a small monster that stabbed her in the eye before it ran off. There are dark rumours about the so called 'demon child', my son 'Forgot the Condom', again... As always when something terrible happens, she does seem inordinately happy." I thought we had been rid of "Forgot the Condom", but he was back, with a vengeance.

I tried finding "Forgot the Condom" again in all of the provinces near me, but I could not find him.

Another year passes, my son "URLUCKYIDIDNTABORTU" dies. Then my daughter, "6 Salads" dies. My son, "Taco Tuesday" dies. At this point I realized, "Forgot the Condom" is killing all of my children. I entirely dedicated to finding and killing him. I'm looking around for him, and he is killing all of my children. We look for him for 2 years in game, when my friend says something.

"♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, I FOUND HIM!"

"WHAT WHAT, WHERE IS HE?" I ask.

"♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, he.... he"

"What? What's wrong?"

"He is the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ POPE."

I immediately check to see if he is right. My son... my son, "Forgot the Condom" is the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Pope.

My friend and I start to freak out, "How the hell did he become the Pope?!?!" "What do we do?" "HOW DID WE NOT NOTICE THIS BEFORE?!?!?!"

Immediately we start a plot to kill "Forgot the Condom". We have to kill him before it's too late. We have to kill him before it's too late. We have to kill him before it's too late.

We had 167% plot power, we were going to kill him, but then the worst thing happen. I get a notification: "My dear son 'Ebola Paitent 0' has died." So, what is so special about Ebola Paitent 0? Well, Ebola Paitent 0 was the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, aka my friend. My demon child "Forgot the Condom" killed my friend. At this point in the game, the entirety of my children and lineage, the ISIS family line, had been completely wiped out. Except for one person, except for me, "12, 12 of the family ISIS". I could no longer kill my son because you cannot plot against your children, I was stuck. I had no where to go. I was going to die, the ISIS family line was going to die.

I struggled to find any way to kill the Pope, my friend could not start a plot because his new character was a child. We had nowhere to turn. We were out of options.

Eventually, the worst came, "Forgot the Condom" killed me in my sleep. I was dead, the legendary "12 of ISIS" was dead.

The game ended. I had no heirs, and I was eliminated from the game. The game was also hosted by me so it ended for my friend as well.

"WHAT THE ♥♥♥♥ was that?" my friend said. I didn't even say anything. A few minutes pass, we were staring at the defeat screen the entire time.

"We must remember this in some way." I explained. "We must remember '12 of ISIS' and 'Forgot the Condom'. We need to memoralize them forever." "How do we do that?" my friend asks.

"I don't know, but we must remember them. They are legends and must never be forgotten."

TL; DR The game is ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ amazing.
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45 Comments
Emperor Thybal Aug 28, 2020 @ 10:35am 
How did he get elected pope??!?!?
NoobasticMan Jul 2, 2019 @ 2:27pm 
Moral of the story: a best way to destroy Isis is to forget the condom.
batran99 Dec 11, 2018 @ 9:28pm 
save file?
TurtleShroom Nov 22, 2018 @ 2:44pm 
It makes me mad that he's the Pope, but otherwise, this review is amazing.
Crimpix Sep 25, 2018 @ 9:26pm 
I didnt really want this game to badly... I read this... I now want this game more then anything...
Yuukazami Apr 12, 2018 @ 11:57am 
I'm keeping this whole story.
Armchair_Tactician Dec 31, 2017 @ 9:16pm 
Moral of the story, if you forget the condom, there will be problems down the road...
Gimps-Along Nov 25, 2017 @ 1:15pm 
Holy actual fuck this was an awesome story. So glad I picked this game up.
White, the Angel of Ecstasy Oct 23, 2017 @ 8:24pm 
This sold the game for me.
freetheturtles Sep 30, 2017 @ 8:08am 
lmao,.......... im dead