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59 of 89 (66%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
 
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 4:58pm

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked May 5, 2016 @ 4:25pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:16pm

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 10:29am

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 8:39am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 9:08pm

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 3:37pm

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked May 6, 2016 @ 5:32pm

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!

Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:29pm

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 3:08pm

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked May 9, 2016 @ 7:38pm

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 6:03pm

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked May 6, 2016 @ 5:32pm

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale

Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 10:36am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 5:41pm

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 11:44am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 2:34pm

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:00pm

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked May 4, 2016 @ 3:38pm

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Nov 22 @ 5:21pm

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked Nov 15 @ 8:43pm

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 10:30am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked May 9, 2016 @ 7:38pm

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 7:04am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:02pm

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked May 6, 2016 @ 5:32pm

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked May 9, 2016 @ 7:38pm

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Nov 24 @ 4:20pm

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:43pm

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Apr 10, 2016 @ 7:28am

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:06pm

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:16pm

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:07pm

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:16pm

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:43pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Nov 22 @ 5:49pm

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:53pm

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 4:47pm

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:17pm

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Aug 20, 2016 @ 4:51pm

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 6:49pm

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Apr 29, 2016 @ 1:26pm

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 8:47am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 8:47am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 9:16pm

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:30pm

FAB-U-LOUS!

Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Nov 18 @ 6:58pm

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:10pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 6:35pm

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Nov 24 @ 4:56pm

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 9:05pm

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 7:08pm

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 5:04pm

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 4:52pm

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 3:52pm

Gary vs. a Giant Penis

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked Aug 20, 2016 @ 7:42pm

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Apr 24 @ 4:02pm

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 3:17pm

RAFIBOMB!!!

Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked Aug 21, 2016 @ 12:05am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!



Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
8 / 30

Anustart!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.

GABAGOOOOOL!

Reunited with an old friend.

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.

Adderall4All

Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
0 / 30

BioShocked

Spent $2000 on vending machines.
100 / 5,000

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
0 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
+7

7 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked