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59 of 89 (66%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 4:58pm

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked May 5, 2016 @ 4:25pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:16pm

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 10:29am

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 8:39am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 9:08pm

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 3:37pm

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked May 6, 2016 @ 5:32pm


Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:29pm

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 3:08pm

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked May 9, 2016 @ 7:38pm

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 6:03pm

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked May 6, 2016 @ 5:32pm


Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 10:36am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 5:41pm

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 11:44am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 2:34pm

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:00pm

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked May 4, 2016 @ 3:38pm

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Nov 22 @ 5:21pm

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked Nov 15 @ 8:43pm

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 10:30am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked May 9, 2016 @ 7:38pm

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 7:04am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:02pm

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked May 6, 2016 @ 5:32pm

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked May 9, 2016 @ 7:38pm

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Nov 24 @ 4:20pm

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:43pm

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Apr 10, 2016 @ 7:28am


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:06pm

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:16pm

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:07pm

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:16pm

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:43pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Nov 22 @ 5:49pm

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:53pm

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 4:47pm

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 5:17pm

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Aug 20, 2016 @ 4:51pm

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 6:49pm

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Apr 29, 2016 @ 1:26pm

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 8:47am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 8:47am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 9:16pm

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 12:30pm


Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Nov 18 @ 6:58pm

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 1:10pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Nov 17 @ 6:35pm

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Nov 24 @ 4:56pm

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Apr 30, 2016 @ 9:05pm

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Nov 20 @ 7:08pm

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 5:04pm

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 4:52pm

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Nov 23 @ 3:52pm

Gary vs. a Giant Penis

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked Aug 20, 2016 @ 7:42pm

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Apr 24 @ 4:02pm

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked May 1, 2016 @ 3:17pm


Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked Aug 21, 2016 @ 12:05am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
8 / 30


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.


Reunited with an old friend.

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
0 / 30


Spent $2000 on vending machines.
100 / 5,000

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
0 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.

7 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked