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47 of 89 (53%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
Unlocked Jun 4, 2017 @ 7:43pm

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Jun 4, 2017 @ 7:52pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2018 @ 4:43am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 1:24pm

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 2:29am

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 1:14pm

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 1:15am


Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 2:18am

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 3:24am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 4:20am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 11:00am

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked Apr 18, 2018 @ 1:15pm


Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Apr 19, 2018 @ 4:23am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 2:04am

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Apr 19, 2018 @ 3:43am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 4:13am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 2:39am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Feb 5, 2016 @ 4:27pm

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 2:25am

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 4:25am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Apr 19, 2018 @ 4:36am

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Apr 18, 2018 @ 1:04pm


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 6:32am

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2018 @ 4:43am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 1:32am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 3:57am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 6:49am

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 3:59am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Jan 2, 2016 @ 2:39pm

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 2:31am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Jun 4, 2017 @ 8:09pm

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2018 @ 5:34am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 4:43am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Feb 5, 2016 @ 4:24pm

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 1:56am


Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 4:47am

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Apr 18, 2018 @ 1:20pm

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Apr 18, 2018 @ 1:13pm

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2018 @ 1:23pm

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 1:51pm

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 1:34pm

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2018 @ 2:15am

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 11:02am

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Apr 24 @ 8:10pm


Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Apr 24 @ 8:49pm

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Apr 24 @ 7:51pm

Ape Rape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked Apr 16, 2018 @ 4:02am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
11 / 30

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
13 / 30

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
0 / 30

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
19 / 30

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
0 / 10

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
3 / 20

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
0 / 30


Spent $2000 on vending machines.
10 / 5,000

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
6 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.


Kicked 10 people in the balls.
2 / 30

8 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked