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HOW TO WIN AT TEAM FORTRESS 2 ALL THE TIME AND IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND ATTRACTIVE FEMALE ONLOOKERS
By Venom517
WELCOME TO TF2 JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE ♥♥♥♥ IS WRONG WITH YOU
 
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CHAPTER 1: EVERY JOURNEY HAS A BEGINNING AND ALSO A PRICETAG

SO YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS COOL NEW FIRST PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO ENTERTAINMENT GAME CALLED TEAM FORTRESS 2™ PLAYABLE ON YOUR PERSONAL AND OR LAPTOP COMPUTER. IT SOUNDS PRETTY ♥♥♥♥ING NEAT, AND YOU'VE PLAYED IT A FEW TIMES, BUT YOU JUST KEEP GETTING YOUR ♥♥♥♥ WRECKED AND IT MAKES YOU ALL MAD AND STUFF. WELL, I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

GOOD NEWS: YOU'RE PLAYING TEAM FORTRESS
BAD NEWS: YOU SUCK

THESE TWO PIECES OF NEWS WERE PROBABLY NOT ACTUALLY NEWS TO YOU, BUT I FIGURED I SHOULD REITERATE. YOU SUCK. HARD.

BUT DO NOT WORRY, HATLESS AND POOR READER, THIS GUIDE IS DESIGNED TO BE AS USER FRIENDLY AND WELCOMING AS POSSIBLE. SO LONG AS YOU HAVE SPENT AT LEAST $24.99 USD IN THE MANN CO. STORE, YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS. IF YOU HAVE NOT, I URGE YOU TO DO SO NOW.

I RECCOMEND BUYING AS MANY BACKPACK EXPANDERS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.


(exhibit a): THE BACKPACK EXPANDER. THIS HANDY ♥♥♥♥ER WILL GIVE YOU AT LEAST TWO MORE PAGES, SO YOU CAN STUFF ALL THOSE BOSTON BASHERS DEEP IN YOUR BACKPACK

GOT ALL THAT EXTRA SPACE FOR YOUR ♥♥♥♥♥♥ WEAPONS IN YOUR BACKPACK? GOOD, YOU'LL BE NEEDING IT.
CHAPTER 2: THE BASICS
AS STATED BEFORE, TEAM FORTRESS 2™ IS A FIRST PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO ENTERTAINMENT GAME, IN THE SAME VEIN AS MYST AND KING OF FIGHTERS '98.

IF AFTER YOU HAVE MASTERED TEAM FORTRESS 2™ AND MOVE ON TO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS, I'D SUGGEST GIVING BOTH OF THESE FINE GAMES A TRY.


(exhibits b and c): KING OF FIGHTERS 98 AND MYST, I ALREADY TOLD YOU, YOU ♥♥♥♥ING IDIOT.

FIRST PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO GAMES PUT YOU IN THE POSITION OF A FLOATING SET OF ARMS AND POSSIBLY LEGS. BUT NOT THIS GAME. YOU'RE JUST THE ARMS. WHICH IS GOOD FOR YOU, CONSIDERING I'M SURE YOU HAVE A HARD TIME CONTROLLING BOTH YOUR OWN ARMS AND LEGS.

BUT I LIED, YOU DO HAVE TO CONTROL YOUR LEGS. DON'T FRET, USING THE ARROW KEYS, YOU CAN MOVE YOUR OWN STUPID ♥♥♥ AROUND. PERSONALLY, I USE THE T, G, F, AND H KEYS FOR MOVEMENT, BUT I THINK THAT'S A BIT TOO ADVANCED FOR YOU.



(exhibit d): IF YOU GET REALLY GOOD AT TEAM FORTRESS 2™ (WHICH IS UNLIKELY) YOU'LL WANT TO MOVE ON TO A THIRD ARM. SLOW DOWN CHAMP, NOT YET. GIVE IT TIME.

TO SUCCEED IN TEAM FORTRESS 2, YOU MUST KILL A MAN. THIS MAY BE A BIT HARD TO SWALLOW, SO I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME.







OKAY, WIPE YOUR EYES AND CONTINUE READING. JESUS CHRIST JUST STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC.

SEE THAT THING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SCREEN? IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE THIS


(exhibit e): THE INDICATOR THAT WILL HELP YOU MURDER A FELLOW HUMAN BEING, YOU SICK ♥♥♥♥.
OKAY, WHAT YOU'LL WANT TO DO IS LOOK AROUND USING THE COMPUTER MOUSE KEYBOARD'S KEYPAD AND SHOOT BY PRESSING PAGE UP.

YOU'LL PROBABLY BE ASKING YOURSELF 'GEE GOLLY, IS THAT MAN DEAD?'
WELL, I'M GOING TO ASSUME HE ISN'T, BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS FLOWCHART TO HELP YOU OUT, YOU STUPID ♥♥♥♥.


(exhibit f): YOU'LL ALWAYS WANT TO KEEP SHOOTING IN TF2. ALL THE TIME.

SO YOU JUST KILLED YOUR FIRST FELLOW HUMAN BEING. I HOPE YOU'RE ♥♥♥♥ING HAPPY.
CHAPTER 3: CLASS MAKES THE MAN, AND UNFORTUNATELY YOU ARE NOT YET A MAN
SO YOU'RE SITTING THERE TELLING YOURSELF: "MAN I REALLY WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO MURDER MORE PEOPLE, I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME."

TOO BAD, ASSHAT. YOU'RE IN THIS FOR THE LONG RUN. YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE DOWNLOADING 10 GIGABYTES OF PURE MURDER. BUT I'LL GIVE YOU ONE CHOICE. YOU'VE PROBABLY BEEN PLAYING SPY, RIGHT? NO?

QUIT ♥♥♥♥ING LYING, I KNOW YOU. YOU WERE ALL LIKE "OH LOOK AT THIS DASHING MAN IN THE PINSTRIPE SUIT HE'S SO KAWAII~~ *SWOON.*" SO WIPE THAT ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE. IF I KNOW YOU, AND I DO, YOU'VE BEEN GOING INTO SOME RANDOM SERVERS, IMMEDIATELY PICKING SPY, AND RUNNING HEADLONG INTO BULLETS FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS WITHOUT FAIL. GOOD ♥♥♥♥ING JOB.

LET ME SHOW YOU ANOTHER WONDERFUL ILLUSTRATION ABOUT WHAT CLASS YOU SHOULD PLAY IN TEAM FORTRESS 2.™


(exhibit g:) LEFT: THE SCOUT. THE ARYAN MASTER RACE OF TEAM FORTRESS 2™
RIGHT: SPY. POOR AND HATLESS BULLET MAGNET.


I CAN JUST HEAR YOU FROM HERE. "OH BUT MAJESTIC AND HANDSOME TF2 GOD, WHY WOULD YOU RESTRICT ME FROM PLAYING MAI HUSBANDO AND FAVORITE SUAVE ROGUE SPY? ARE YOU BRAIN DAMAGED OR JUST MEAN???" HAVE NO FEAR, I HAVE THE ANSWERS TO THAT QUESTION

1) ♥♥♥♥ YOU
2) ♥♥♥♥ YOU

PLAY SCOUT. GET TO KNOW SCOUT. WANT TO PLAY ANOTHER CLASS?


BECAUSE YOU APPARENTLY ARE TOO MUCH A STUPID ASSHAT TO KNOW A GOOD CLASS IF IT SENSUALLY CARESSED YOUR INNER THIGH SMACKED YOUR STUPID ♥♥♥♥ING FACE WITH AN ALUMINUM BAT
CHAPTER 4: WHAT DO YOU ♥♥♥♥ING THINK THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
OH THAT'S RIGHT IT'S ABOUT THE SCOUT



(exhibit h): GOD, YOU'RE ♥♥♥♥ING STUPID.

YOU SEE, AS A SCOUT, YOU DO TWO THINGS THAT NO OTHER CLASS IN TEAM FORTESS 2™ CAN DO:
1) YOU MOVE FAST
2) YOU SHOOT THINGS
3) ♥♥♥♥ YOU



(exhibit i): LOOK AT ALL THESE THINGS THAT WON'T BE ♥♥♥♥ING HITTING YOU

THE SCOUT IS A SONIC SPEED, HARD HITTING ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, AND IF THAT'S NOT THE DOPEST CLASS IDEA YOU'VE EVER ♥♥♥♥ING HEARD, YOU BEST STOP OFF, ASS♥♥♥♥.

125 HEALTH? ♥♥♥♥ YOU, I DON'T EVER DIE ANYWAY
133% MOVEMENT SPEED? GREEN HILL ZONE ACT 1
DOUBLE JUMPING? JESUS CHRIST DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED



(exhibit j): LOOK AT ALL THESE MAGNIFICENT PLACES YOU CAN JUMP TO NOW THAT YOU CAN JUMP ON ♥♥♥♥ING AIR ITSELF

NOW I THINK YOU SHOULD LEARN A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THIS ♥♥♥♥♥ DESTROYER HIMSELF

" Born and raised in Boston, Massachusetts, the Scout is a fast running scrapper with a baseball bat and a snarky 'in-your-face' attitude. He is very rude, and seems to think he can handle anything. He often acts a lot tougher than he can actually prove to be, though he's certainly not weak. "
CHAPTER 5: PROFESSIONAL MURDER TOOLS


"OH BLESS MY STARS! LOOK AT ALL OF THESE EXTREMELY NEAT-O WEAPONS I COULD USE IN MY JOURNEY TO BECOME THE GREATEST SCOUT ON EARTH! WHATEVER SHALL I USE??? ^___^"

- YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE A COMPLETE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥


SURPRISE, ♥♥♥♥ER. THOSE WEAPONS ALL SUCK. LIKE YOU'D WANT TO USE A ♥♥♥♥ING CLUB WITH NAILS IN IT? SURE YOU WOULD, IF YOU'RE A COMPLETE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. WELL, THEN YOU PROBABLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT WEAPONS YOU'LL BE USING THEN, YOU DUMB ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥? LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE FAMILY.

OF MURDERERS.



"OH NO I GUESS I JUST GOT MEATSHOTTED" - EVERYONE AFTER YOU START USING THE SCATTERGUN

THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF METAL AND WOOD IS A ♥♥♥♥ING BULLET FACTORY. IMAGINE IF YOU COULD JUST LAUNCH TEARS OUT OF YOUR FACE AT LIGHT SPEED AFTER YOU SPILLED TEA ALL OVER YOUR ♥♥♥♥♥♥ DAKIMAKURA CHINESE CARTOON BODY PILLOW AND KILL PEOPLE WITH YOUR SADNESS NOBODY ♥♥♥♥IN CARES ABOUT. THAT'S WHAT USING A SCATTERGUN IS LIKE. LAUNCHING SADNESS AT YOUR ENEMIES IN THE FORM OF LEAD.

CAPABLE OF FIRING 6 TEAR BASED LEAD ROUNDS WITHOUT RELOADING. ARE YOU EVEN TRYING, FORCE-A-NATURE???



"WHAT THE HELL IS HITTING ME IN THE ♥♥♥♥ AT THIS FAR OF A DISTANCE, OH WAIT, IT'S A BUNCH OF ♥♥♥♥ING PISTOL ROUNDS" - SOME ♥♥♥♥♥♥ SNIPER WHO THINKS HE'S OUTSMARTING EVERYONE BY SITTING IN A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ED CP_WELL WINDOW

I COULD JUST SMELL YOUR WHINING FROM HERE. "BUT I JUST WANT TO DODGE BULLETS BY USING SOME ENERGY BEVERAGES, WHY WOULD I WANT TO USE A PISTOL? ;_;"
WHAT, START RUNNING AWAY FROM BULLETS, INSTEAD OF JUST STOPPING THEM ALL TOGETHER? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF ♥♥♥♥ING BRAIN DEAD FRENCHMAN?

THIS ♥♥♥♥ING POCKET ROCKET IS CAPABLE OF FIRING 12 HOT LEAD LOADS ALL OVER YOUR ENEMIES WITHOUT A RELOAD

CRITS? 45 DAMAGE PER BULLET?
YOU BETTER ♥♥♥♥ING BELIEVE IT



"OH NO MY BRAIN IS NOW ALUMINUM" - YOU AFTER I BEAT THE ♥♥♥♥ OUT OF YOU WITH AN ALUMINUM BAT.

I WOULD CALL THIS THE SCOUT'S COUP DE GRACE BUT I'M NOT ♥♥♥♥ING SPANISH
CONSIDERING THIS THING IS CAPABLE OF SWINGING LIKE SEVEN TRILLION TIMES A SECOND AND SUCKING 40 HEALTH OUT OF YOUR TARGET EVERY HALF SECOND, YOU BETTER START CONSIDERING YOURSELF A MAJOR LEAGUE MOTHER♥♥♥♥IN' VACCUM.

37.5% FASTER THAN YOUR ♥♥♥♥♥♥ HUSBANDO'S KNIFE? YOU BETTER START PRAYING TO VISHNU, YOU ♥♥♥♥ING ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION
YOU WANT SOME MORE GAMEPLAY TIPS?
HOW ABOUT GET GOOD, YOU ♥♥♥♥ING COMMUNIST.
TO BE HONEST I'VE WATCHED YOU PLAY, AND REALLY, I CAN'T POSSIBLY TELL YOU ANYTHING ELSE.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS GUIDE AND GOD BLESS THE USA

CHAPTER 7: COSMETICS GUIDE
WHAT THE ♥♥♥♥ YOU'RE STILL HERE?
WHAT'S THAT, A COSMETICS GUIDE?

OH FOR THE LOVE OF ♥♥♥♥ING CHRIST

YOU WANT A COSMETIC? HERE'S A COSMETIC



PLEASE DIE




(6/1/15 -- It's been like two years now and I'm still getting comments on this guide. I'd like to thank you guys for enjoying it, and it's the sole reason I haven't taken this down. Looking back, a lot of this really isn't that funny to me anymore. I've read this guide full through again and while I may not enjoy it, I'm sure people will keep stumbling upon it and will get a kick out of it.)
318 Comments
< >
Nightwater Jul 26 @ 1:41am 
This is amazing
nitro Jul 25 @ 9:48am 
1.) FUCK YOU
2.) FUCK YOU
LadyScattergun Jul 22 @ 4:26pm 
Still get a kick out of this, and still revist. Please just let it be! Think of all the laughs it keeps generating, both then and in the future.
Grigori Rasputin Jul 11 @ 1:31pm 
YE BOI
Harp60 Jul 10 @ 6:23pm 
IluMITIE Bless yOUr MLG nEss
Icecubes Jul 8 @ 3:46pm 
Dude, this guide's a fucking classic. The only "Parody" guide that's made me laugh. Don't be a faggot and take it down
Rabrobuck Jun 1 @ 5:02am 
I've been masturbating for six hours now.
Көɾɴε ㊙ trade.tf May 23 @ 1:58pm 
A BIG NO THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP YOU FUCKING CUNT GO PLAY SONIC IF YOU WANT TO BE FAST
Swag Sloth May 23 @ 12:17pm 
Dank af m8
Ch33s3_burg3r May 20 @ 7:29pm 
Well that was... Interesting.