By Mayo Hoshino

Content Warning: Depiction of Suicide
It’s August 15th. The sun has already set, but humid air still surrounds my body as I run up my apartment’s staircase.
Sweat is coming out of my body continuously.

“Goodbye”

A text from her contained only one word, but I immediately understood what she meant.

Even though today is supposed to be a public holiday, I was still working, and I packed up my things as soon as possible and rushed to our apartment.
And as I was about to reach the rooftop, I see her standing on the other side of the fence with sorrow in her eyes.

This is actually my fourth time seeing her attempt to jump off the building.

She says there are two types of people in this world.
Ones who get seduced by the desire of life – Eros,
And ones who get seduced by the desire of death – Thanatos.

Majority of humans can be categorized to the former one, but she was undoubtedly the latter.

I knew she was the one who is controlled by “Thanatos” before we started dating.
Well, it was obvious. The first time I met her was when I helped her as she was attempting suicide, just like this time.

She said she just moved in. She had a cute face, with round eyes and bouncy lips, but her face hid a sorrowful emotion, and that took away my heart in that moment. I guess that’s what people call love at the first sight.

We started talking after that, and we got along rather quickly.
I worked at an abusive workplace, and I was a loner at the time, so she looked like an angel falling from the sky.

I had one question, though.
Every time she attempts suicide, she would let me know, and she would wait until I show up.

I thought it would be better if she died alone, as that would make things easier for her, but I interpreted that as a call for help from her,
just like the first time we met, and deep down she wants me to save her.

That’s why I’m running up the stairs again.



I finally reached the rooftop, and I try my best to catch my breath.

I look up, and I see her back on the other side of the fence.

“Wait..!!”

I jump over the fence, and I hold her hand.
Her hand was cold, unlike warm, humid air around her.

“Let me go”

Her voice sounds lovely and ephemeral, just like a sound of a bell. I was in love with her voice, too.

“Why do you, always...!!”

“I want to die, right now”

“Why..!!”

“The death is calling me”

She can see the “God of death”. She says it’s a rare symptom that people who are controlled by “Thanatos” experience. Furthermore, only ones who are controlled by “Thanatos” can see “The death”.

“There’s no such thing”

“Why can’t you understand me..!!”

Whenever I deny his existence, she always breaks down and cry.

She says the death takes up the form which is the most alluring to the one who sees him. In short, he looks like a person of dream.

When she looks at the death (although I can only see her staring at blank space), she has the expression of a girl who’s falling in love. Just like she’s in a deep love with it.

I hated that expression of hers.


“Don’t look at the death, look at me”

“No...!”

She tried to shake my hand off, so I unwillingly gripped her hand hard.

“It hurts..!”

“I’m..sorry...”

But it’s your fault, you know? You don’t care to look at me.

“He would never do such a thing to me...”

Something pitch black is rushing into me.

“Why...”

Why, why don’t you look at only me, when I’m loving you this much.

Something in my heart tells me it’s stupid to get jealous at something that doesn’t exist, but that didn’t matter to me.

“I had enough of it”

I had enough too.

“I’m so tired already”

I feel tired too.

“I want to die now”

“I wanna die too!!”

In that moment, she lifted her head.

She had a smile on her face.

When I looked at her face, I felt those black things disappearing from me.

Wait, maybe this is...

“Finally... You get it now, right?

“Yeah... I get it now.”

“Really? I’m so glad.”


Ah, I see.

The reason why you called me every time you tried to end it wasn’t because you wanted me to stop you.


You wanted to take me with you.

My “God of death” took the form of her.


Cool wind was blowing. I couldn’t feel the humid air anymore.

“Alright, shall we go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

We held hands, she and I.
As if we were trying to run away from the frustrations of this world,
We started running towards the night.