'A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."'
'From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"'
'"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."'
'"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.'
'"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."'
'"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.'
'The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"'
'"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"'

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."