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July 19, 2008

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Team Fortress 2

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Assumption

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FUTURE TF2 UPDATES BELOW

Alex

California, United States

-THE MACRO-ONI AND CHEESE-
This new weapon for the Pyro may look like a simple bowl of macaroni and cheese, but when tossed at an enemy soldier, its powdered orange pasta innards clog your adversary’s barrel and totally removes their 1337 rocket-jumping macros. Permanently. Not only that; whenever the afflicted Soldier attempts to re-bind his keyboard with another rocket-macro, the Macro-oni and Cheese pops up from the background and uninstalls the game while simultaneously over-volting the user’s power supply thus setting their computer on fire, just as the Pyro would have it. Those cheap-ass Soldiers will think twice about replacing twitch-based skill with algorithmic horse-crap now!

-THE POOP SOCCER-
Why should the Sniper have all the fun with his new-found airborne urine-casting abilities? The Scout needs some toilet-love also! This brilliant unlock upgrades the Sandman’s puny baseball to an over-inflated soccer ball filled with 5 pounds of fresh human feces. When struck with the Scout’s bat and sent skyward, the Poop Soccer enjoys a built-in homing device that will find its target regardless of things like aiming or practice. Just fire and forget! Once the improvised crap-missile hits its unfortunate target, The Poop Soccer explodes, covering the receiver in a thick layer of filthy waste that causes all nearby teammates to take 600% more damage than normal… for the entire match. This weapon will have infinite ammo, as the Scout has (apparently) taken up as steady diet of prunes, watermelon and 5-alarm chili. Refill at will!

-THE ASS MAGNET-
If there’s anything that certain already self-sustained talented Demomen need, it’s MORE medics leashed to their proverbial rectums. The Ass Magnet successfully fixes this long-standing inadequacy. And it’s just that: a gigantic magnet that the Demoman stuffs into his Scottish ass. The mega-increased polarity then draws all friendly Medics’ medi-guns straight to the rear of the user, regardless of who they were already healing. No Medics around? Not a problem! The Ass Magnet will query every TF2 server world-wide and yank those Heavy-attached healing bastards from their nice comfy backseat rides to YOUR ass instead. It will then ban those players’ IP addresses from any destination except for the ones you join. It’s the perfect Demo addendum! Best of all: The Ass Magnet won’t replace any existing weapons. You’ll just get it for free. Screw those Heavies, they don’t need medics, YOU do!

-THE HOOK LINE AND/OR SINKER-
This is a fishing pole. For all classes. You can sit down on CP_Well and fish with it. For no reason. Hell, TF2 is more or less an MMO already, let’s just complete the circle! Equip The Hook Line And/Or Sinker, park yourself next to some water, stop shooting stuff, and start NOT having fun ASAP!!!

-Edited By Assumption

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