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The Right GlueI've always been a fan of whalepunk as a genre. Starting with Moby Dick and leading up until Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, whalepunk has been a driving force in our collective literaturalogical history. So when Free Willy came out I was so disappointed to learn that the entire whalepunk industry had become destabilized. But finally whalepunk has returned in this new title Dishonored: Cry of the Whale. In this game you play as Crowo, the flying raven who uses the powers that we've come to love from the whalepunk genre but in novel ways: instead of being able to leap over McCaulay Culkin, he can teleport through the air to his destination; instead of being able to eat Geppetto, he can possess rats and make them eat corpses. Now that whalepunk has been completely rebooted, reëxplored and reconstructed I look forward to that new Star Trek movie.
This is the kind of game I would make if I were the kind of guy who makes games like Portal. I mean, it's got a gun that can replicate cubes. If that doesn't terrify you then you haven't watched enough Star Trek The Next Generation. Do you remember those nanites that tried to take over NCC1701-D? Those motherfuckers were replicating so fast that the ship's systems were falling apart. And those guys are only like a couple of micrometers tall. The cubes in Antichamber are like a decimeter to the side or more. And if you have two, you can make five. And if you have five you can make forty one. And if you have forty one you can make three thousand two hundred and eighty one. And if you have three thousand two hundred and eighty you know what it works like this: f(x) = 2x(x-1)+1 where x is the number of cubes that you start with. That's not linear! Nonlinear growth of cubes means that eventually you've made so many cubes that the mass of the Earth has increased significantly and you've knocked the whole shebang out of orbit. Good job, now only Q can save us.
So Fez is about this little guy named Fez who jumps out of the second dimension and has an adventure behind things. When you lived your whole life as a flat guy and then suddenly gained access to the behinds of things, you would totally be just like Fez too. I mean, there's a whole world of things behind the things that you normally see. Like in that one episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where Geordi needed to go into the Jeffrey's Tubes to poke a panel with a probe thing. Normally you don't see that shit but you can go on adventure back there. Or in your basement. Remember that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where Picard and that lady who isn't Doctor Crusher go on an adventure in the Jeffrey's Tubes and end up playing the roll-up piano and freaky alien flute whistle thing (fuck I love Star Trek) in some kind of Jeffrey's Node? If I live on the Enterprise I'd hang out in those things all the time. I think I just figured out why the kids in my building hang out in the emergency staircase to drink pop and listen to loud music. They're living the dream that I never could. When I was a kid, I didn't have Jeffrey's Tubes, or Jeffrey's Nodes. All I had was games like Super Mario Land 3 which only had a front, not a behind. Sonic the Hegemon had some behinds, I think. Tails had two. The point is Fez is a cool main character and he likes showing me that Google Goggles crashes every time it tries to read a QR code. Google, you need to hire Geordi and Data and figure this shit out, for fuck's sake.