21 of 33 people (64%) found this review helpful
50 people found this review funny
Recommended
0.0 hrs last two weeks / 77.7 hrs on record
Posted: Mar 25, 2016 @ 5:37pm
Updated: Mar 25, 2016 @ 8:10pm

A ranger, a barbarian, and a witch walk into a bar on Wraeclast. They proceed to argue over who would win in a fight.

BARTENDER: What'll it be ladies?

WITCH: Give me the blood of a newt, the ear of an ox, the tail of a rat, and Grey Goose. SHAKEN NOT STIRRED!

BARTENDER: I'm not sure I can...

RANGER: I'll take the oil of hyssop, a sprinkling of gypsum, a sprig of rosemary, honey, and gin.

BARTENDER: I don't think you quite know what sort of establishment...

BARBARIAN: GIVE LONG ISLAND ICE TEA OR I SMASH.

RANGER: On second thought, I'll take one of those.

WITCH: Yes, me as well.

BARTENDER: Three Long Island's coming right up.

60 minutes and an unknown quantity of booze later...

BARBARIAN: I SMASH, I no care you ladies. I take club and club heads. I GO CLUBBIN' I CLUB ALL NIGHT!

RANGER: I think big boy here has been a teeny tiny bit overserved. Ooh a Kitty!

Ranger grabs a stray cat hiding under a table in the corner.

WITCH: You smash huh? And how would you smash when you are frozen with a flick of my wand?

BARBARIAN: I BREAK ICE, I SMASH ICE WITH STRONG MUSCLES, I FLEX, ICE GONE.

The ranger returns stroking the cat. It seems resigned to being held.

RANGER: Guys, can't we all just love nature? If we spent less time talking about fighting and more time planting trees, think about how much better the world...

BARBARIAN: I do love tree. Tree make shade. Tree make fun fort. Tree make good club FOR ME SMASH YOU HEAD!

WITCH: Oh silence, silly girl. You environmentalists are so naive. Do you know what I think of naive people? I think they should ripped apart by skeletons while I electrocute them with my wand, which is what I will do to you! Annoying tree hugger, "maybe if we just planted trees..." How about I rain hellfire down from the sky on your precious forest?!

RANGER: You take it back. Nobody insults trees.

BARBARIAN: YEAH! NO MEAN TREE WORDS OR I....

WITCH: Smash?

BARBARIAN: NO. I...I...CRUSH!

WITCH: Ranger has been teaching you new words again, has she? I'm surprised your brain isn't bleeding with all of that new information.

BARBARIAN: I NO UNDERSTAND. WHICH MAKE ME ANGRY. BARTENDER! MORE LONG ISLAND. NOW!

RANGER: Listen, Witch. You have five seconds to take back your treesult or I will have kitty here rip out your throat.

WITCH: Hahahahaahaahahahaha.....hahaha...hah....hah. That is good.

RANGER: OK. You brought this on yourself. KITTY, ATTACK!

KITTY: Meow.

RANGER: No. Bad Kitty! Kitty attack the mean lady. She hates you!

KITTY: Mrarw

RANGER: KITTY! GO! NOW!

WITCH: Hahahaha. AHHHHHH!!!!!

RANGER: GOOD KITTY! CLAW HER FACE! YES THE EYES THAT'S IT!

BARBARIAN: HA HA. You find funny cat. Witch scream. Me have warm feeling in chest. Me like you ranger. Me no smash.

WITCH: PREPARE...TO...DIE...KITTY!

With a flick of the wand, the witch sends out a blast that knocks the cat across the room. It jumps up. The witch casts spell after spell, but the kitty dodges and runs out the door.

WITCH: INFERNAL FELINE!

RANGER: I warned you, witch.

WITCH: You've made a huge mistake. YOU SHALL PERISH!

BARBARIAN: YOU NO HURT FRIEND!

Barbarian clubs the witch with a nearby bar stool. She lands on the floor with a thud.

BARBARIAN: I TOLD YOU I GO CLUBBING! I CLUB 'TILL SUNRISE!

RANGER: Thanks, buddy.

BARBARIAN: We go hug tree.

Ranger: Best idea I've heard all day.

BARBARIAN: BARTENDER! TWO LONG ISLANDS TO GO. NOW. OR I...PULVERIZE! HAH. ME SMART.

11/10, would Long Island again.

Read the Full Review Here[zeemodernnerdblog.wordpress.com]
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6 Comments
NOPE NOTHX Mar 29, 2016 @ 9:01pm 
You left out how you can buy power in the game for real-life $$$$$.
President Donald Trump Mar 29, 2016 @ 7:36am 
I like the review but not the game.
Sandman Mar 26, 2016 @ 9:27am 
Now here's a man/woman/sentient toaster that knows how to review a game.
Franko Mar 26, 2016 @ 2:29am 
Probably best review I have ever read.

10/10 -Pretzelman
Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun Mar 25, 2016 @ 8:08pm 
Thanks, Amigo
-=LCS=- nevermelt Mar 25, 2016 @ 8:00pm 
Your blog is really nice, much better content, honestly, than many popular gaming magazines and websites which tend to be as facile as the narrative in most games.