When the chips are down and your Blue Man Group buddies are dying all around you, what do you do? Take a knife, dig it into their necks and rip out a computer chip with their brains backed up on it. Duh. Then you stick that chip into whatever piece of equipment you have handy and, hey presto, a talking gun. And backpack. And hat.

Then you put the hat on a computer and it can hack it. Your backpack can make lots of grenades and things for you. Your gun shoots stuff. Wait, no, it already did that. Now it shoots stuff while quipping one-liners. It's an action movie hero gun.

If you're not already swimming in a sea of imagined joy at the thought of all that yet, let me add a little excitement by saying that Rogue Trooper also is an excellent romp through a war-torn planet. It's definitely a console port, but a great console port, one made when developers had mastered the last generation of consoles and had reached the pinnacle of the design possibilities the tech provided for.

"What did you do in the war, grandad?"

I rode a tank. I drove a Schwimmwagen. I threw sticky bombs, in the wheels. I set up my machine gun facing the wrong way. I forgot to cloak my (eight) snipers. I pointed all my anti-tank guns at my own HQ and let 'er rip all while my CO was hollerin' at me through the radio. Son, I rode with Eddie's Heroes, and don't you forget it.

NO LIGHTSABERS WTF: 0 out of 10

It's an exceptionally well-realised concept, being a proto-Storm Trooper in the not-quite-yet-an-Empire. You peer out at the world through your white plastic helmet, which employs little laser windscreen wipers when it's raining. You order your three squadmates around - the funny one, the straight one and the psychopath - by pointing at already-highlighted sections of scenery and pressing 'F' authoritatively. You spend at least nine-tenths of the game looking at the same gun.

Oh man, that gun! So good I even remember its sterile name! The DC-15 is a wonderful piece of imaginary equipment. It's a blaster rifle, okay? Now press '3'. Snap, click, slap. Now it's a sniper rifle. Press '4'. Yank, smack, twist. Now it's a grenade launcher. It's got more character than anyone else in the game. It's a LEGO GUN that shoots LASERS. Worth every penny for that alone.