At first I was put off by the wheelchair pace of the protagonist and the absolute shite coming from the narrator. I imagined these two issues were connected as it must be very hard to walk with your head shoved so far up your own ass. I was about to give up on this game and uninstall it before exiling it to my "NEVER AGAIN" steam folder. That was before I found the secret lever in the caves which was sneakily shaped like a stalagtite; when I pulled it, wonderful things happened. SUDDENLY, my character could walk and jump and run like a free man. He stormed through that secret door into the REAL part of the game where there were aliens to kill and puzzles to solve and characters you could sympathize with - all brought together in a dramatic last ditch assault on the alien cave fortress to rescue the protagonist's sister, Esther. My heart raced as I took down the Alien Overlord with my plasma caster and finished off the last of his guards. Then - I found Esther. Her body was strapped down to a large metallic surgical table, her head sat upon the wall in a jar, and mounted to her body where her head should have been was the ever-screaming head of a White-tailed Deer. "Deer Esther..." The Narrator snarked. The screen faded to black and the credits rolled.
Not a bad game overall. Weak start. Kinda easy. Enemies interesting but kind of stale after a while. It was ok 11/10.

I Am Alive can best be likened to watching a car crash in slow motion - while being in the car. If you happen to be colorblind, worry not, all gamers can experience the same 3-4 shades of grey over and over again as you stumble about through clouds of film-grain, each of which is strategically placed to hide anything more than 10 meters away in any direction. What the game lacks in entertainment value or graphics, it makes up for with characters so deep that they very nearly have two dimensions.

- Fight no one for ages, then five identical groups of thugs one after the other!
- Explore a world where dust is as deadly as machete-wielding bandits and tinned peaches can heal stab wounds!
- Play as Rico Rodriguez on your quest to take a little girl back to Adam Jensen and possibly more!

I Am Alive - but when playing this I wish I wasn't.

Loads of fun to play with some good friends. Smashing in zombie heads and hilariously awful voice acting - brilliant.