9
Products
reviewed
96
Products
in account

Recent reviews by CROCK AND BALL TORTURE

Showing 1-9 of 9 entries
3 people found this review helpful
0.9 hrs on record
Uno is hands down my favorite card game, and my top 5 favorite games in general, which is why I was really happy to get it on sale. However Ubisoft absolutely slaughters this game.

For a lot of other users, the game crashes mid-game. I wish I was as lucky. I spent 53 minutes trying to load into a lobby but crashed every single time. Thank god Steam's refund policy is 2 hours of play or less.

They also make you download a third party installer for this game. Why the ♥♥♥♥ would I want to make a uPlay account?

0/10.
Posted July 27, 2020. Last edited July 28, 2020.
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No one has rated this review as helpful yet
3 people found this review funny
6.8 hrs on record (2.8 hrs at review time)
boo
Posted January 21, 2020.
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No one has rated this review as helpful yet
31.7 hrs on record (5.3 hrs at review time)
CS:GO Review
my name jeff
Posted June 28, 2019.
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2 people found this review helpful
10.0 hrs on record
It's actually pretty good
Posted November 21, 2018.
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1 person found this review helpful
1.2 hrs on record (1.1 hrs at review time)
Not a fan of this game. It's basically space invaders with three maps. The game takes 25 minutes to beat anyway, and there are no save features. Even if you're 1 step away from the final boss, if you die, you start at the beginning.
Posted April 22, 2017.
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47 people found this review helpful
282 people found this review funny
5.7 hrs on record (5.0 hrs at review time)
As a WW2 veteran with a PhD (pretty huge D___) in WW2 studies, I can professional say that the close up of the bullet going through the scrotum is exactly the same shape, size, and colour of a legitimate bullet going into your testicle.

For the 4 hours I played this game, my first goal was to dickshoot all the nazis I could find, I only dickshot one guy. I'm very dissapointed, if I could recommend an update it would be to have a target on all the nazis ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ area so I could get the moneys worth out of this game. Sure, I got to shoot down a nuclear missle mid air, blow up a few bridges and infiltrate germany, but the epitome of my adventure was when I shot poor nazi gaurd #95839 in the left scrotum. I was so intriegued by the realism of the outfits of the soldiers that I too, went out and bought a replica mosen nagart, vintage nazi uniforms, an ushanka and shot my self in the left scrotom. My wife says I'm way into this and I need help, but I shot her in the scrotum too and it must have worked because she's not moving, so she's either really good at roleplaying dead nazis, or she's dead. And no, I'm not married to caitlyn jenner.

The only con in this game is that I was not able to shoot any japaneese soldiers. You know what I always wondered? Why the hell did they make Kamakazi Pilots wear helmets? I found the game pretty easy, which is why I believe adding Japaneese soldiers to this game would have made it quite a challange to shoot in the scrotom seeing as they have small uh, planes...............

I ran around the game trying to shoot nazi soldiers in the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ penis hole for 4 hours straight. I didn't collect any of the gold bars, nor did I even bother writing in anne frank's diary. I enjoyed this game more than I did watching grandad yell at the germans across the street. We invited the germans over for dinner one time, my granddad kept farting and saying "this is for killing corporal johnny with your mustard gas."

I let granddad play this game to try to relive his past and he hid under the table the broom screaming "IM NOT LETTING THOSE DAMN FRANKFURTS STEAL MY VIRGINITY."

It was at that moment that I realized my grandfather wasn't even in the second world war. How could I let that pass by me? This man infront of me, he wasn't even my grandfather. I had let in some homeless dude walk into my parents house, ♥♥♥♥ on the germans and go on my gaming computer while screaming at me. Did I even have a grandfather? My grandfather lived in Europe, yes, but he lived in Switzerland.

How could the game developers make such a realistic game that it could remind this homeless man who refuses to leave about the great war? There were no coloured photos back then, so how could they get the colour so right?

I realized that there were two possible conclusions now. Either the quantum theory of the movement of time is so true that World War Two occured yesterday, where time itself is technically a 'dimension' we experience while awake, and it's only be virtue of the clocks we keep, that we measure the time we sleep. I have heard the universe has a 'pulse', or 'oscillation sotospeak. It is possible that scientists, have used that as a tool for measuring the physical changes that take place in the universe.

or

...

Hitler was behind the creation of the game.

In World War 2, the Japaneese would fly planes into buildings, aircraft carriers etc. etc. but wait, the Japaneese were not portrayed at all in this game. Neither were the British. The only factions portrayed in this game were the Germans, Russians, and the Americans.

Let's take a look at what this really means. The Japaneese were famous for flying planes into buildings, aircraft carriers etc.. You know what other orginization was popular for flying a plane into a building?

Al-Qaeda. But we're not done yet. Al-Qaeda was started in offices and mosques in britain in 1980. (It's true, look it up.)

The developer studio and its personal developers are from Britain. Could there be an allignment here?

Could the Japaneese and the British Government cooperate to try to deminish their role from World War 2 Alltogether?

But why would the Brits want to remove their legacy of beating the Germans?

...

A very popular theory is that rich British buisnessmen had funded the uprising of the Nazi army to be able to sell billions of dollars of military equiptment to the British government.

...

This game's DLC, where you kill hitler, is approximately $8.79 CAD, in USD-conversion at the moment that's $6.35, so let's stick with that.

Hitler was born in April. April is the 6th Month of the year.

But wait, Osama Bin Laden, leader of Al-Qaeda also died in April. The 6th month of the year.

Are you starting to see a connection here?

Let's take the date of Germany's Surrender (April 28) and compare it to Osama's birth (March 10). How many weekdays are inbetween? 35.

Another theory is that Hitler didn't actually kill himself, but rather fled to Argentina. Theorists say that it was discovered that the bones of Hitler were actually those of a woman. You might think, "why would the Government lie about that?" Well, let's look at Canada, a direct off shoot of England. The Government of Canada has for 12 years silenced different types of Scientists (including archaeologists and geologists) about their findings should there be any conflict of interest with the Government. (It's true look it up)

What makes you think the father won't do any less.

It's confirmed, this game is created by Hitler, and minions of the evil British banking industry. Other than that, I rate the game 7/10, the game has beautiful campaign but they only last so long, which is pretty upsetti spaghetti.

H-HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? FBI?! H-HEY DON'T TURN OFF THE COMPUT-
Posted December 27, 2015. Last edited December 27, 2015.
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2 people found this review helpful
3 people found this review funny
900.7 hrs on record (900.6 hrs at review time)
10/10 game i am fluent in russian, french and spanish after playing for several hundred hours. ckya bylat bagguette hon hon telemundo!.
Posted November 8, 2015. Last edited November 24, 2016.
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No one has rated this review as helpful yet
16.9 hrs on record (16.4 hrs at review time)
You're a white man who shoots other white people, the only difference is that you're not paying $60 to hear some 12 year old scream over his microphone.

10/10 ign
Posted July 3, 2012. Last edited December 28, 2015.
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1 person found this review helpful
4.5 hrs on record (3.7 hrs at review time)
Have you ever wanted to play poker with a morbidly obese alcoholic, an emotional college drop out, a fu*king bunny and a red midget who brags about all the 'poontang' he gets from chicks?


N-no?

Well, have you ever wanted to support a developer studio that literally takes game characters and an unoriginal idea like poker, and buy a $5 game that has had literally no effort put into it?

No?

Well, today's your lucky day. Just like all sh*tty, overhyped games on STEAM, this one will grab your attention with ~UNTRADEABLE~ TF2 ITEMS!

I really want my $2.49 back.
Posted July 3, 2012. Last edited December 28, 2015.
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Showing 1-9 of 9 entries