I am bear and so can you

So why would you become a bear? Let me tell you an epic story about bears and unicorns. Once upon a time(like 5 years ago) there was a war going on bears vs unicorns the unicorns didn't want to be eaten and the bears wanted to eat them that was the conflict dividing the two groups. The war ensued and in the end the bears won, the unicorns transformed into pussy horses as a way to surrender and the bears reign over the land till this day. Become a bear now, a creature even feared by Stephen Colbert himself. I am bear and so can you, join now and get free unicorn meat and a hat! Really a hat? I need to join now!