Alyssa   United States
Did you read this first? No? THEN DON'T ADD ME!
If you want to add me, please keep reading...

I am not going to date you, so if you came here looking for a gf....go away
I will not role-play or ERP with you, so if that's your intent....go away
I do not want your drama, so please don't come to me with gossip, sob stories, or tales of being jilted
If you actually want to talk about some emotional issues, I can and often do, but get to know me first, mmm'kay?
Any medical advice is prefaced and followed by the caveat that you should speak with your physician about it also.
Lastly, were I entertaining the idea of dating someone from Steam.....it's not you


:bbamsmily:I do not accept friends requests from:
>>>Private profiles, accounts less than a year old, VAC or trade ban, and under Steam level 10.
:bbamsmily:Yes my inventory is private; I have no intention of trading with you.
:bbamsmily:Technically I own CS:GO, Battlefield, and CoD, but my ownership of those games was a mistake.
>>>Despite whatever hours I have in those games, I will not play with you, so don't bother asking.
:be_good:You are free to leave comments or like anything on my page.
This is my homage to Monty Python; take from it what you will.
:lol:On to the comedy...:lol:


For those that care about such things:
:find: Time Zone: GMT -5
:find: Chinese Zodiac: Dragon
:find: Zodiac: Pisces
:find: Leap month, Leap year
:find: INFJ-T (Diplomat)
:find: Music: Alternative, 70's Soul, Hard Rock, Classic Rock, Big Band, 40's Jazz, some EDM, Weird Al
:find: Movies: Kung Fu (old and with subs), Action, Drama, rarely Comedy
:find: Books: Murder Mystery, History, Drama, basically Fiction
:find: Bona fide female (Ovaries and all)
:find: Not your mother (So don't make me scold you)


Classy joke.....:crow:
Junk it! :chainsaw:

"Her look says 'I'm attracted to you', but his look says 'I want to eat you for breakfast'".
"This is the band Hi-Tops singing their hit song 'She Blinded Me with Creationism'."
"The hills are alive with the......silence of a ninja."
"I don't mind a house covered in cat sh*t and cobwebs, cuz I'm a man damn it!"
"Ha ha ha...contagious murder comedy!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Salt & Pepa knock-off...Oregano & Garlic Powder!"
"...this one tastes like marshmallow hatred..."
"Right?!? F*ck that optimism sh*t! Decapitation! Burning corpses! That'll bring 'em into the flock."
"When you die, the neck empties its bowels. That's a fact." ~:2014reel::fatstacks: Cinema Snob :fatstacks::2014reel:
Currently Online
Artwork Showcase
I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.
8 1
Workshop Showcase
*Nobody* expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!
The Indie Plague

Hardcore RPG: Here's one -- nine keys.
Gamer: I'm not a casual!
Competitive MP: What?
Hardcore RPG: Nothing -- here's your nine keys.
Gamer: I'm not a casual!
Competitive MP: Here -- he says he's not a casual!
Hardcore RPG: Yes, he is.
Gamer: I'm not!
Competitive MP: He isn't?
Hardcore RPG: Well, he will be soon, he keeps buying Indie titles.
Gamer: I'm getting better!
Hardcore RPG: No, you're not -- you'll be playing walking sims in a moment.
Competitive MP: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
Gamer: I don't want to go in to the lobby!
Hardcore RPG: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Competitive MP: I can't take him...
Gamer: I feel fine!
Hardcore RPG: Oh, do us a favor...
Competitive MP: I can't.
Hardcore RPG: Well, can you hang around a couple of matches? He won't
be long.
Competitive MP: Naaah, I got to go on to Store page -- they've lost nine
to Indie's today.
Hardcore RPG: Well, when is your next round?
Competitive MP: Summer sale.
Gamer: I think I'll play a RPG.
Hardcore RPG: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do?
Gamer: I see a skill tree!... I see a skill tree!
Hardcore RPG: Ah, thanks very much.
Competitive MP: Not at all. See you next sale.
Hardcore RPG: Right.

No Man’s Sky

The sketch:
Game Critic: Hello again. I am at present still in game, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing on the community hub. Thank you.
Game Critic Hello. Mr. Murray? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Hello Games Company?
Murray: I am.
Game Critic: Steam Consumers and I are from the refund squad. We want to have a word with you about your game called No Man’s Sky.
Murray: Ah, yes.
Game Critic: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the price. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Murray: Agreed.
Game Critic: Next we have number four, ‘infinite procedurally generated universe’.
Murray: Ah, yes.
Game Critic: Am I right in thinking there are duplicate assets in here?
Murray: Yes. Little ones.
Game Critic: What sort of assets?
Murray: Terrain, resources...stations, buildings...flora
Game Critic: Are they unique?
Murray: No.
Game Critic: What, they’re not unique?
Murray: We use only the finest alpha quality gameplay, beta testing skipped or sourced out to Iraq, cleansed in the shiniest of graphics, lightly bugged, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth envelope of misleading game trailers and lovingly frosted with false advertising.
Game Critic: That's as maybe, they are still recycled assets.
Murray: What else?
Game Critic: Well don't you even have several variations of the same asset?
Murray: If we did that it would be more ‘procedurally generated’ wouldn’t it?
Game Critic: Steam customers played this.
Steam Customer: Excuse me a moment.
Murray: It says 'procedurally generated' quite clearly.
Game Critic: Well, Steam customers thought it was going to be unique. People will expect there to be variations. They're bound to think it's some form of early access.
Murray: Early access? We make every intent to market this game as a complete and finished product!
Game Critic: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'procedurally generated', and replace them with the legend 'procedurally dropped, duplicate assets being generated', if you want to avoid prosecution.
Murray: What about our sales?
Game Critic: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public. Now how about this one. It was number five, wasn't it? Number five, ‘find your own destiny’. What kind of gameplay is this?
Murray: We use choicest, juiciest tasks, replicated, dropped on a new ‘procedurally generated’ world, painted a new color, and called power.
Game Critic: Power?
Murray: Correct.
Game Critic: Well it don't say nothing about that here.
Murray: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after ‘taking pirates for their bounties’.
Game Critic: Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label warning ‘grinding gameplay’.
Murray: Our sales would plummet.
Game Critic: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of game development, like action or racing; very popular play styles I'm led to understand. I mean look at this one, alien contact or language database. What's this one, ‘multiplayer’?
Murray: Ah - now, that was our intent - covered with the darkest starry sky. When you find someone you know, try to meet up at the same location in the game, and find that you are utterly alone.
Game Critic: Well where's the pleasure in that?
If people pay for a game that states multiplayer and find that they can be supposedly be in the same location, they expect to see one another. In any case this is an inadequate description of the features. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Murray: It's a fair cop.
Game Critic: Stop talking to the camera.
Murray: I'm sorry.
Steam Customer: If only the general public would take more care when buying its pre-orders, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the Steam and they would spend less time working on their refunds and would spend more time enjoying a game that plays as advertised.

Arthur 'Two Smurfs' Jackson

The sketch:
Host: Last week the Steam Community saw the first appearance of a new VAC by one of the world's leading hackers, Arthur 'Two Smurfs' Jackson. Mr. Jackson.
Jackson: Hello.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: "Two Smurfs". How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Smurfs".
Host: And do you in fact have two smurfs?
Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Smurfs".
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Jackson: Yes.
Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second smurf?
Jackson: No!
Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?
Jackson: No.
Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your rank.
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: Did you obtain this Legendary Eagle Master on your smurf?
Jackson: No!
Host: Have you used any of your recent hacks on this smurf of yours?
Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden-variety smurf.
Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second smurf to hack on!
Jackson: No, no. Look. This smurf business -- it doesn't really matter. The smurfs aren't important. A few friends call me Two Smurfs and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the rank. Everybody talks about the smurfs. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a serious, competitive player. I'm going to get rid of the smurf. I'm fed up with it!
Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Smurfs' Jackson, eh?
Jackson: Look, forget about the smurfs. They don't matter.
Host: Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your rank.
Jackson: Huh!
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in skin gambling.
Jackson: What?
Host: I understand that, you were interested in skin gambling.
Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody rank?
Other host: Are you having any trouble with him?
Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed a Global Elite earlier.
Other host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Smurfs".
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Smurfs". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us!
Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! *Crash*
Other host: Get Gud, you fairy!
Host: Arthur "Two Smurfs" Jackson... Never mind, Noob!
Other host: Oh Mike, you're such an idiot.
Achievement Showcase
Perfect Games
Avg. Game Completion Rate
Items Up For Trade
Items Owned
Trades Made
Market Transactions
Screenshot Showcase
Nom nom nom
Review Showcase
553 Hours played
*Searches toilet. Finds murky water and a turd* Eww, someone forgot to flush. I'll just take the water, tyvm.
*Zombie silently sneaks up while rooting through some trash on the ground and throws you a smack down*
Oh crap! Oh crap! Why can't I move?
*Back pedals while shooting bow and arrow. Starts taking damage from running into a cactus* *Zombie dies finally. Loots body*
Nails and paper, come on!
What's this symbol mean? Infected? Really?!? ****! Damn it!

Oh yeah, a supply drop!
*Runs through 3 biomes to get to the crate*
OMG, Really?!? Bottom of the lake? I'll have to try swimming down, I need antibiotics.
*Speed swimming to get to the bottom of the lake, opens crate, schematics for a first aid kit and hunting rifle*
*Starts swimming back up*
Why am I taking damage?
10/100, I can see the surface!
5/100, almost there!
*2 seconds from the surface, drowns*
%@$*!!! ^#$+!!! @^$&!!!

*Respawns in a new biome on the completely opposite side of the map*
Well, at least I'm not infected anymore.
*Opens inventory*
Where's my stuff? Wow! Really?!? Nothing. Great.....I had a really nice steel shovel and a 50 arrows.
Wait! 90/90? Didn't I start at 100/100? That's just perfect.....grrrrr!!!
Well, it looks like my stuff dropped, I'll just run and get my backpack.

*Does busy work of making a new stone axe, wooden bow, and plant clothing. Only finds 22 feathers*
Well it'll have to do for now.
*Starts running. Sun is going down*
Man, is it dark and naturally I have no torch.
*Stamina gone, slows to a walk, hears growling.*
Aaaaahhhhhh! OMG a zombie dog!
*Runs for 10 seconds and then stamina is gone again*
No, no, no, no, no!!!
*Growl!! Bark!! Bark!!*
&%#^!!! @%*)!!!

*Gets up from computer, walks around the room, swearing and stomping your feet on the floor*
Ok, ok. Deep breath. You can do this.
*Sits back down and goes back into the map*
What?!? It's still night? Ugh. Fine! This time I'll run a little and walk a little.
Oh is that where my backpack is? That's really close.
*Starts running to backpack. Sun is starting to come up. Finds backpack on the ground and opens it*
Hey, wait. Where is my torch, water, and can of chili? All that's here is my bow, 22 arrows, and a stone axe.
You've gotta be kidding me! Where is my other backpack? I don't see it.
Fine!!! I'll just do it!!

*Runs past a town.*
Ok, I have 75 arrows, my axe is level 22, and I have materials for another 50 arrows. Let's do it!
*Searches shopping cart. Finds can of Sham.*
A pawn shop? I bet there's some good stuff in there!
*Starts breaking down the door. Hears a zombie growling. Backs away from the door. Zombie breaks down the rest of the door and starts advancing. Dispatches zombie with 8 arrows*
Woot! I da man!
*Loots body. Finds sneakers, a schematic for a pistol, and 2 bottled waters*
*Slowly makes way into the pawn shop. Gets the attention of 2 more zombies, leading them outside, and also dispatches.*
*Returns to pawnshop.*

I should build a base.
*Searches the map for the perfect location. Finally settles on a spot in the forest, near a lake*
*Starts gathering resources. Builds small wooden structure for shelter, place for a campfire, and a bedroll* *Starts building huge flagstone building.*
I think I need some defenses.
*Places wooden spikes around the outside and then proceeds to run into them every time you exit your building.*
*Finally has enough to make a forge, starts smelting raw iron, makes an anvil*
*Starts making iron implements and keeps upgrading the base. Decides to start a farm.....on the roof*

*Makes forays into the nearest town. Finds a wrench to start breaking things down. Starts scrapping shopping carts and cars. Finds a handful of schematics in the bookstore. Breaks into the safe of a gun store; finds shotgun and pistol parts.*

*Has nabbed 5 crates and now has a nice stockpile of antibiotics. Farm has gone from a few ears of corn, 2 potatoes, and 1 blueberry to being self sustaining with a generous bumper crop, plus the mushroom farm in the "basement."*

*Horde nights have gone from constantly, but narrowly avoiding certain death to having an impenetrable fortress.*

*Decides that you need all of the creature comforts of the former world in the desolation of today. Begins making a huge subterranean complex, replete with an alchemy store, workshop, deli, brothel, tavern, movie theater, infirmary, and morgue......just in case you have company.**Learns a valuable lesson in 'structural integrity'.*

*Searches a toilet.* Woo hoo, a turd! Time for more fertilizer!

Recent Activity

553 hrs on record
last played on Feb 22
2.2 hrs on record
last played on Dec 31, 2017
Achievement Progress   2448 of 2448
6.1 hrs on record
last played on Dec 31, 2017
undT0T 12 minutes ago 
Alyssa .....I wish you a wonderful weekend...enjoy your life. ;)
Razorgirl ♀🎮 Feb 16 @ 10:49am 
Xīnnián hǎo :faceWorker:
Aleal Feb 16 @ 4:02am 
StR4ng3r D!ngens Feb 15 @ 1:55pm 
Thanx and ditto ;) :ss2heart:
⛧ hxppy Goat ⛧ Feb 15 @ 1:15pm 
Hope your V day was grand! :heartb::heartg::heartgr::heartp:
F®eequency Feb 15 @ 11:02am 
Thankies! I hope you had some real good chocolate, I´ve spent the day with 30 kids building snowmen! :CatCake: