I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I have been the subject of numerous documentaries. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Fashion critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.

I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. I bat 400. My awe-inspiring floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet reached 5k mmr.