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65 of 89 (73%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
Unlocked Dec 14, 2013 @ 8:28am

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:24am

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 9:11am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Feb 8, 2014 @ 2:35pm

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:38am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Dec 20, 2013 @ 3:19pm

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked Dec 14, 2013 @ 8:43am

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Dec 14, 2013 @ 9:03am

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:05am


Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:59am

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Dec 18, 2013 @ 3:05pm

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked Dec 20, 2013 @ 3:04am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 6:13am

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked Feb 8, 2014 @ 1:51pm


Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Jun 29 @ 9:36am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Dec 20, 2013 @ 4:58am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Dec 20, 2013 @ 2:35am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:56am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 8:45am

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Feb 8, 2014 @ 1:57pm

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Feb 2, 2014 @ 6:01am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 8:14am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 8:02am

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked Dec 20, 2013 @ 2:44pm

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Jul 5, 2015 @ 5:23am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 9:03am

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 8:58am


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 10:17am


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 10:17am

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Oct 5, 2016 @ 12:50pm

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked Feb 7, 2014 @ 8:00am

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 9:14am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:58am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:58am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Jan 25, 2014 @ 10:10am

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Dec 20, 2013 @ 2:43am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 8:02am

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:22am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 8:10am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Feb 14, 2014 @ 12:40pm

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Dec 14, 2013 @ 8:28am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:09am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:23am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Jan 25, 2014 @ 8:04am

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 4:22am


Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Dec 27, 2013 @ 6:19am

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 8:56am

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 9:08am

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Dec 23, 2013 @ 8:12am

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Dec 14, 2013 @ 8:42am

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 3:22am

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:34am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Mar 7, 2014 @ 12:20pm

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Dec 21, 2013 @ 6:14am

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Jul 3, 2015 @ 12:20pm


Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Jul 5, 2015 @ 5:23am

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Jul 5, 2015 @ 6:30am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked Jul 5, 2015 @ 9:56am

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked Jul 6, 2015 @ 7:54am

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked Jul 3, 2015 @ 12:04pm

Ape Rape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked Jul 5, 2015 @ 6:18am

Hobo Sexual

Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Unlocked Jul 6, 2015 @ 7:28am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked Jul 5, 2015 @ 6:28am

Bitches Love Cake

Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
Unlocked Jul 6, 2015 @ 7:19am


Spent $5,000 on vending machines.
Unlocked Jul 6, 2015 @ 7:42am

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
22 / 30

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
5 / 30

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
0 / 10

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
16 / 30


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
4 / 20

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
26 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.


Kicked 30 people in the balls.
6 / 30

7 hidden achievements remaining

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