I'm just going to list off reasons why Lara Croft would be a better girlfriend than anyone you'll meet IRL.

-This woman is crafty as fuck. There is something special about a girl that can duck-tape a grenade launcher to an assault rifle to take out a machine gun nest. Then again, I get impressed by girls who know how to knit/crochet/random needle crafting fuckery, so I may just have low standards.

-Wanna show her off to mom? Just have her talk with her. She actually has some interesting things to say in this game during the campfire sessions. It's weird to describe a video game character like this, but she actually grew as a person during this adventure.

-Wanna show her off to Dad? Show her those pics of her you keep in your phone. Dat body.

-She's got moves. I'm sure she knows how to dance and all, but the controls on her are solid. For adventure titles, I usually go with a 360 controller. The compromise with that in this game is it's harder to pull off headshots, which means less XP and fewer glorious death animations.

-She doesn't poop. Or at least they never showed her answering nature's call. And believe me, if she went #2 in those pants you could tell.

My only criticism of her as a person:

-She has some baggage. Seriously, she went through some violent shit on the island. Nearly died every 20 steps and killed a LOT of people/creatures with unknown backgrounds. Most of it was in self-defence. Most of it (ya see that's the scary part).

-She doesn't poop. That could become a serious health issue.

I found the puzzles weren't as challenging as most games these days, but the adventure was great. It was like watching a good action film and being entertained for 14 hours and then a multiplayer mode, which I really should have tried before I wrote all this shit up. I blame Carl for this. Somehow I know he's responsible.

Here's the formula for this game: Uncharted + explore mechanics + "Lost" kinda wtf story = Tomb Raider. Good ideas, good execution.

If you're THAT friend that your homies despise when you play Settlers of Catan together, then this is your jam. The two games aren't at all related; you can't get screwed over by your asshole friend Carl for the last sheep on the board, but you have to go into that mentality to become the Ninja. You must possess what they call Schadenfreude, pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

In this case the misfortune is hanging slain victims in front of your enemies as you sit in darkness masturbating, plotting your next unfair kill. It doesn't matter that these guys have night vision goggles, guns, soon-to-be-orphaned children at home, and radio comms with one another. Like any good memorable hero you're a mute with flesh-eating insects, a grappling hook, sweet tats, and virtually no sense of morals. It is your goal to wreck their shit by any means necessary. Emphasis on any. Like going all ninja Jihad on them by creating a gas leak and sparking an untamed fire to distract them.

I'm surprised there isn't a level where you have to have sex with one of the security guards' wife and text him the pics of her taking it doggie style. Thus, crippling him emotionally and eventually physically +400 points. He'll wallow in pain, mostly emotional, as you hide his body in a grate or dumpster +250 points. His final moments will be spent pondering how he could have saved his failing marriage +700 points.

It saddens me that the people who are probably amazing at this game and possess the true Mark of the Ninja are the bros with tribal tattoos, tapout shirts, and think hummus is for bean-eating pussies. To be a ninja is to be an asshole, like Carl.

Gimme back my sheep.

I get the appeal of this game. You come home from a rough day at work, your crackwhore is dead and bleeding all over your favorite couch, you're out of milk & cocaine, and you just need some YOU time. Unfortunately, it is still illegal to go around prying people open with crowbars. For ten bucks ($5.00 today) you can play Hotline Miami to get all that rage out in a healthier manner in place of getting your unlubed asshole violently pounded in prison for the rest of your 114-year sentence.

If you're like me and you walk into sketchy establishments unarmed and manage to kill everyone inside, relying primarily on doors and flinging guns at suited dipshits all while wearing a creepy horse mask, then you should probably just skip this game. It's gonna feel like Tuesday to you.

For those of you who enjoy good chiptune music, violently bashing 8bit people into sprays of red, and a challenge that may inspire you on your next murdering spree I have words for you- BUY THIS F***ING GAME.