Leon Declis
Leon   United Kingdom (Great Britain)
 
 
I'm just a boomer who likes to play strategy games.
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232 Hours played
I am the nation of England.

I have a useless king. Unable to do anything really. We married a Castillian and boy, she was pretty amazing. Great at warfare, great at diplomacy, and even gave me a son who was amazing too!

The king decided to lead an army, and drill. And for many years, we drilled and built up the army. We watched as Europe entered into a Catholic slinging match, and the Ottomans ate their way towards Poland. We drilled, and we waited. We built a lot of things, because we had a lot of money.

Eventually, we decided that we had enough people, and so it was okay if we simply declared war on all of Ireland and Scotland. But the French were friends with Scotland, what a dilemma! So we attack some backwards province of Ireland, and Scotland decided to eat spears and lose its capital without even asking the French for help. You want good news? Our king died, and the Spanish wife of his decided to rule instead. As is the great tradition of British female leaders (see Elizabeth, Thatcher), it was time to start painting Europe with the blood of lesser nations.

Then the Scottish attacked me, and the French did too! Leaving the Spanish, Savoys, and Austrians to sack Lyon, and leaving my French provinces to whatever would happen (as with any French population, they deserve whatever they got), we quickly kicked the stuffing out of Scotland, and then decided to conquer Paris.

Amusingly, we conquered Paris and Aberdeen in this war, cementing England with an endless supply of book events and thoroughly annoying the French, a war goal of its own. Parliament wanted to have a chat, asking if I wanted to choose between some sailors, or having my very expensive army be cheap. After thinking for the whole of three seconds (who needs more sailors?), I choose the cheap army, and then spend my time ignoring corruption, bribing, or otherwise stroking the ego of Parliament to keep my overpriced spear carriers cheap.

By this point, England had conquered most of Scotland and Ireland, and became...

I am the nation of Great Britain. The Norwegians seem to have the northern islands above me. I seem to have a coalition against me for my aggressive expansion of Ireland (and frankly, I'm not sure why anyone cares). Leaving the Europeans to kick the tea out of each other, I decide to colonise. By some magical means, I knew there was a continent across the Atlantic ocean worth finding, and sent out my ships to find it. By God! We found South America. And so we discovered the land of gems, ivory, and... tropical wood? I mean, alright then. That's good too.

Well, Great Britain has the idea that a country in the north of America might be good; we discovered a little island off the coast, and we produced... fish! Fur! Naval supplies! All bloody useless, why would anyone bother to colonise up here?

Right, what about the black part? Oh, the Gold Coast? I wonder what it produces... Slaves, you say? And the Ivory Coast? Slaves, you say. What about Sierre Leone? More slaves, you say? Well, ship them off to America, I'm sure that won't be a mistake in the long run.

Spain then runs to me; my dearest ally, France is attacking! Will you help?

Of course, says Great Britain, for I am a trustworthy ally. And it seems that Denmark is attacking me, will you help?

Spain replies, with a graceful laugh, no.

And so I am stuck in a war that I didn't want for an ally who wouldn't help me. While my men are fat, lazy, and far too drunk from spending their slave money, I have a massive sexy navy and I'm on an island. So as Europe tears itself apart, Great Britain watches from behind it's wooden wall of ships and waits for the European powers to get bored of ships floating around their countries and surrender to the British Empire despite not fighting a single land battle. The French Provinces remain pillaged, but what did they expect, being French people and all?

After 50 years of my ships encircling Europe while British colonists very slowly spread across South America and Africa (oh, yay, wood. That's why I came to Africa), I ended all three wars just in time for the Spanish to declare war on me for having a colony next to my ex-allies. Like a savage ex-wife, Spain pillaged my French provinces and then waited to surrender to my waiting navy.

By that point, the truce with France ran out, and it declared war again. No worries, I said, for Savoy would help me as I had helped it, surely?

Savoy said no.

The waiting game continues for Britain, who has massive colonies because the mainland is surrounded by ships and a very bored, very well-paid navy, and a Parliament who requires constant bribery to agree it is worth not destroying the country. No wonder my colonies will rebel one day.

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Comments
djcooke100 Nov 7, 2014 @ 2:58pm 
I got about five minutes into the first night. One of the animals disappeared from the monitor and I was like "NOPE". Whilst playing in daylight.