Alpha Protocol is a Large Beard Simulator. It simulates being a man with a Large Beard who Punches People better than most games. For these reasons, I give it six out of ten.

i used to be a blonde, statuesque swedish girl called Synnöve, until i played SID MEIER'S CIVILIZATION FOUR, whereupon i mysteriously transformed into 'steve', a balding forty-something trucker from luton. i spend my days filming trains pulling into the station, and moving little men and women holding little guns and shooting teeny weeny bullets around a fake map of a fictional gynocratic dictatorship. YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THIS JOY.