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59 of 89 (66%) achievements earned:

Personal Achievements
Unlocked Apr 13, 2015 @ 10:35pm

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 7:07pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 9:19pm

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 10:47pm

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 5:39pm

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Oct 1 @ 10:09pm

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked Apr 13, 2015 @ 9:57pm

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 6:02pm

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 7:16pm


Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 9:18pm

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 11:53pm

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 8:59pm

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 11:26pm

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked Aug 4, 2016 @ 10:49pm

Cesar Millan is Gay

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 10:01pm


Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked May 26, 2015 @ 1:16am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Dec 13, 2015 @ 9:58pm

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked May 19, 2015 @ 3:16pm

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked May 18, 2015 @ 11:30pm

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 11:03pm

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 11:45pm

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 10:31pm

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 10:40pm

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 9:57pm

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 11:47pm

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 10:43pm

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked May 19, 2015 @ 2:37pm

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked May 26, 2015 @ 1:18am


Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 10:49pm

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked Jul 17, 2016 @ 10:05pm

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 10:00pm

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Apr 20, 2015 @ 12:13am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked May 26, 2015 @ 12:16am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 7:03pm

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 8:54pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Jul 15, 2016 @ 8:40pm

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked May 19, 2015 @ 2:35pm

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 9:19pm

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 11:26pm

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Apr 13, 2015 @ 10:00pm

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Apr 20, 2015 @ 12:42am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Apr 14, 2015 @ 5:53pm

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 9:02pm

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Apr 13, 2015 @ 10:00pm

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked May 19, 2015 @ 2:24pm


Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 8:40pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Apr 21, 2015 @ 10:13pm

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Sep 30 @ 9:04pm

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Apr 20, 2015 @ 12:51am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Apr 15, 2015 @ 11:27pm

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Jul 30, 2016 @ 10:57pm


Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Jul 31, 2016 @ 12:39am

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Jul 31, 2016 @ 1:57am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked Jul 31, 2016 @ 2:52pm

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked Aug 4, 2016 @ 11:02pm

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked Oct 8 @ 10:35pm

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked Jul 31, 2016 @ 1:05am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked Oct 9 @ 6:05pm


Spent $5,000 on vending machines.
Unlocked Nov 7, 2015 @ 1:35am


Kicked 30 people in the balls.

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
18 / 30

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
7 / 10

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)


Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.


Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
0 / 30

Reddit's Famous Double Dong

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
23 / 30

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.

11 hidden achievements remaining

Details for each achievement will be revealed once unlocked