About 13.7 billion years ago an infinitely dense speck of matter got really pissed off and exploded. A fuckingshitton of hydrogen spewed out in a display so intense that it would have made George Washington drop to his knees and weep and so violent that the very particles involved got smashed together until some of the flaming muck ended up as helium.
Things only got more badass from there.
Gases hugged so tightly that they became stars, the sheer weight of which bent the very fabric of space to the point that anything in the general area was forced to spend a nigh infinite cycle staring at just how fucking awesome they were. Large groupings of gasses and debris caught in these orbits had hug parties themselves and, while not large and combustible enough to crank out stars, they were totally on their way to becoming planets.
Far flung atomic building blocks latched on to one another just grasping for anything in the pure craziness of it all and some of these became ice in the harsh, cold nothing. The raddest of these gained the mass to become comets and broke out of the bourgeois belt traffic bullshit of their peers to take on a unique orbit themselves. Still, only the most killer of even the comets had the balls to smash headlong into unsuspecting planets, impregnating the living shit out of them with water and various minerals that over time would mingle with one particular little planet's carbon belching fury to create an atmosphere and eventually life itself
And so it was that at ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha in the Milky Way galaxy, this little planet was checking out Sol while a tiny lump of nothing in its oceans was coming to the conclusion that not being alive was complete and total horseshit. With this realization, it began to move of its own simple accord. Taking in the fury of the young world around it, the precious new life form said, “Dude, what the fuck?” [citation needed] and began a quest to better itself.
Iteration after iteration, life after blessed life this species, less than the merest germ, trekked onward growing more complex than its progenitors until one day, billions of years after Earth's first wakeup call, a child was born and named Tittysprinkles Thrillwell. Rocketing forth from the birth canal he cried, “YO NIGGA WHAT IT IS?!”
What doesn't kill you makes you lose your job, friends, money and makes you go to a bar, you get drunk, and to fuel your coke addiction you rob a pedophiliac bank, next thing you know the Mob is on you. Yu run for life with blood money. Living in dark alleyways and pleasuring infected scum, you see a flyer with 20£ pn your head. You reach up to grab it, but it was an illusion. Where are you know? In a dark spacial gap in hell, you see a frame, you swerve narrowly avoiding. The Scary Door.
