The Official Shadow Mavericks Regulars Group!

For reasons of mental health, I will not be able to keep running or maintaining the servers anymore. From here-on out, all servers are shut down indefinitely.

Sorry to anyone this may disappoint, but considering TF2 community servers are basically dead these days, and getting a new populace going is next to impossible, it's just not worth the time, effort, and pain on top of everything I'm trying to shoulder right now.

I've been trying to get into gamedev, and honing my programming skills, which takes up most of my time and focus. I'm hoping I can make something of myself so I can help my family and friends.

On top of this, I've been fighting a losing battle with my demons of self-hatred, anxiety, survivor's guilt/grief, and the suicidal depression + crippling fear of loneliness and isolation that comes with it. All of it to the point where it's lead to over-attachment, frequent and severe self-flagellation, causing more misunderstandings than I can count, and tearing apart relationships I've held dear to my heart, feeding into a perpetual cycle of self-hatred and further loneliness that has been nigh impossible to break free of.

Either way, I can't say running the [SM] servers hasn't been a hell of a ride. Met a lot of great people, and laughed, cried, raged, and had all kinds of crazy, silly, or even profound or philosophical conversations with them. Lasting friendships have been forged on these servers, some even relationships that still last to this day. We've had people be there for each other when they were hurting, and we've unfortunately also had those who have done the hurting (I still have those regrets... those who have been hurt by shitty people I've enabled all those years ago, I still think about, I get a pit in my stomach, hoping they're ok. If any of you are out there, I'm sorry, I was too scared and lacking self-confidence to make a stand when I should have).

That said, do I regret running the servers? No, if I didn't, none of the positive things would have happened, and I wouldn't have met some wonderful people that drive me to keep going despite the hellscape that's my own mind.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble-on everyone. Just, I bid everyone farewell and good fortune.

Maybe someday if the fabled "TF2 Fix" happens, and community servers somehow have a resurgence, I'll consider returning, but that seems unlikely at this point.

PS: To those who have friends or family that suffer from mental illness, anxiety, or depression. Be good to them, remind them that they matter. Those who beat themselves up more often than not aren't doing so to hurt others, it's all they know, it becomes like a tic or a reflex to guilt or overall feeling of needing to be punished for wrongdoing. It usually stems from trauma. People like this need to be shown patience and be reminded that things aren't as bad as they think they are. It may be a small thing, but it can make all the difference.

PPS: This doesn't mean Shadow Mavericks itself is dead, the [SM] clan is the only thing I've lived for since it's foundation in 2007. I live and die for the clan and all of my friends in the clan. They've been the only light I have in my life when all else is gone.