The ULTIMATE Borderlands Fanfic: Part 1
It all started when our uber geek, Claptrap, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling really worried, Claptrap slapped a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Vault Hunter was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Steve. Claptrap had known Steve for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Steve was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... stupid. Claptrap called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Steve picked up to a very unhappy Claptrap. Steve calmly assured him that most albino cats yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually indiscriminately yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Claptrap. Why was Steve trying to distract Claptrap? Because he had snuck out from Claptrap's with the Vault Hunter only eight days prior. It was a eccentric little Vault Hunter... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Claptrap got back to the subject at hand: his Vault Hunter. Steve turned red. Relunctantly, Steve invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Vault Hunter. Claptrap grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Steve realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Vault Hunter and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Claptrap took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least eleven minutes before Claptrap would get there. But if he took the Skag Charriot? Then Steve would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Steve was interrupted by eight insensitive bullymongs that were lured by his Vault Hunter. Steve belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his banana and thoughtfully poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Skag Charriot rolling up. It was Claptrap.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Claptrap was out of the Skag Charriot and went charismatically jaunting toward Steve's front door. Meanwhile inside, Steve was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Vault Hunter into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Steve was pleased but at least the Vault Hunter was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Steve exotically purred. With a inept push, Claptrap opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive spite-toting jerk in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Steve assured him. Claptrap took a seat mysteriously distant from where Steve had hidden the Vault Hunter. Steve sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Claptrap was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Steve noticed a annoying look on Claptrap's face. Claptrap slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Steve felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Claptrap asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Vault Hunter right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Claptrap's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Claptrap nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Steve could react, Claptrap aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Vault Hunter was plainly in view.
More at 11