Church of Newellism Newellist
Church of Newellism Newellist
August 7, 2010
United States 
ABOUT Church of Newellism

7 Years of Unfiltered Gabe Fanaticism!

In the beginning, Gabe Newell created thou Valve and Goldsource Engine, and said 'tis good, so it was good. He then established Valve as His home, where He shall remain and rule forever. From Valve and the coercive Goldsource Engine, Gabe created the wondrous and spectacular Half-Life 1 and said 'tis good, so it was good.Ye, He then hath given unto us thou Source Engine, and He said 'tis good, so it was good. For He delivered upon us a great and bountiful assortment of Souce games, and promises His return.

Some day, He shall return upon thy great Steam Cloud, and deliver to His loyal flock the yearned and coveted Episode 3. It will blind all with it's glory, and all will shudder before the bewildering exquisiteness of Gabe's creation. There will be celebrations throughout the earth, some people will cry, some people will sing praises to Gabe, and those most loyal to Gabe will immediately spill their seed involuntarily, and some even voluntarily.

Gabe created Steam and Valve games to be perfect, and offered gamers free choice of will and morality. But the gamers abused this privilege, and fell away from Gabe and began using aimbots and wallhacks. Gabe then crafted a level 9001 Mallet of Banishment and killed all the cheaters in-game. Once banished from the servers, He sent VAC to guard and watchover the servers. But Gabe offers a second chance if you betray Him. You may make another Steam account, and re-purchase any game you desire and Gabe will show you forgiveness. He will allow you back into the Steam servers, and there you shall remain so long as you trust and follow Gabe.

Our Gaben, who art at Valve,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy ideas come,
thy games be done,
on PS3 as it is on PC's.
Give us this day our daily deal,
and forgive us our infractions,
as we forgive those who troll against us.
And lead us not into flaming,
but deliver us from Moderators.
For thine is the Valve,
and the keyboard,
and the mouse,
for ever and ever,

Gabe N.
(Prayer by Scribble[SFD])

1.Thou shalt have no one before Gabe.
2.Thou shalt make no unflattering rule 34 images of Gabe.
3.Thou shalt not take Gabe's name in vain.
4.Remember the Saturday by eating pizza.
5.Honor thy Valve and Steam.
6.Thou shalt not have any platforms before Steam.
7.Thou shalt not hack.
8.Thou shalt not commit piracy of any games or products created by Gabe.
9.Thou shalt not bring glitches or grief upon others.
10.Thou shalt not covet thy Steam friend's libraries, unless they actually plan on buying the games at some point.
Episode 3 Plot Revealed!!! NOT A DRILL!
Church of Newellism reviews
"Go forth and spread the word of Gabe Newell, using these exquisite examples of excellence as your catalysts for Gabe's perfection. Praise Gabe."
Here are a few recent reviews by Church of Newellism
Code Do'ddert Derv'bs Sep 11 @ 3:40pm 
Littlefreak100 Sep 4 @ 6:55pm 
Father Lenin, I pray for our future sanctity as a congregation; 'tis dark times indeed.
Winston Sep 2 @ 10:34am 
What is this unholy abomination plauging our beloved Valve known only as "Artifact: A Dota Card Game"?!
Gaimin' Slave Aug 31 @ 5:27pm 
I fear for the worst brother dave, I fear for the worst. May Gabe throw off the dark shroud covering him and prop open the closing door between us with a copy of Episode 3.
Winston Aug 31 @ 6:34am 
Gaimin' Slave Aug 25 @ 6:04pm 
HL3 Plot, thanks Jeff a potato (I have a terrible memory, sorry I can't remember your username, had to delete the duplicate announcement):