Church of Newellism Newellist
Church of Newellism Newellist
August 7, 2010
United States 
ABOUT Church of Newellism

6 Years of Unfiltered Gabe Fanaticism!

In the beginning, Gabe Newell created thou Valve and Goldsource Engine, and said 'tis good, so it was good. He then established Valve as His home, where He shall remain and rule forever. From Valve and the coercive Goldsource Engine, Gabe created the wondrous and spectacular Half-Life 1 and said 'tis good, so it was good.Ye, He then hath given unto us thou Source Engine, and He said 'tis good, so it was good. For He delivered upon us a great and bountiful assortment of Souce games, and promises His return.

Some day, He shall return upon thy great Steam Cloud, and deliver to His loyal flock the yearned and coveted Episode 3. It will blind all with it's glory, and all will shudder before the bewildering exquisiteness of Gabe's creation. There will be celebrations throughout the earth, some people will cry, some people will sing praises to Gabe, and those most loyal to Gabe will immediately spill their seed involuntarily, and some even voluntarily.

Gabe created Steam and Valve games to be perfect, and offered gamers free choice of will and morality. But the gamers abused this privilege, and fell away from Gabe and began using aimbots and wallhacks. Gabe then crafted a level 9001 Mallet of Banishment and killed all the cheaters in-game. Once banished from the servers, He sent VAC to guard and watchover the servers. But Gabe offers a second chance if you betray Him. You may make another Steam account, and re-purchase any game you desire and Gabe will show you forgiveness. He will allow you back into the Steam servers, and there you shall remain so long as you trust and follow Gabe.

Our Gaben, who art at Valve,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy ideas come,
thy games be done,
on PS3 as it is on PC's.
Give us this day our daily deal,
and forgive us our infractions,
as we forgive those who troll against us.
And lead us not into flaming,
but deliver us from Moderators.
For thine is the Valve,
and the keyboard,
and the mouse,
for ever and ever,

Gabe N.
(Prayer by Scribble[SFD])

1.Thou shalt have no one before Gabe.
2.Thou shalt make no unflattering rule 34 images of Gabe.
3.Thou shalt not take Gabe's name in vain.
4.Remember the Saturday by eating pizza.
5.Honor thy Valve and Steam.
6.Thou shalt not have any platforms before Steam.
7.Thou shalt not hack.
8.Thou shalt not commit piracy of any games or products created by Gabe.
9.Thou shalt not bring glitches or grief upon others.
10.Thou shalt not covet thy Steam friend's libraries, unless they actually plan on buying the games at some point.
5000 members!
By the grace of Gabe, The Church of Newellism has reached 5000 members!

Believing in Gabe is all it takes. In five years The Church of Newellism has grown from a small group of friends, all of whom had an undeniably strong faith in Him, to a thriving fellowship of 5000 Newellites. Gabe has brought all of us into this congregation so that we may spread His word and join Him on the glorious journey to the 3. As Gabe has promised, so it shall be, now and forever. Regardless, some will lose faith and waiver along the way, and some may doubt due to baseless lies from those who follow false gods. But the rest of us will remain strong and stay steadfast in His promise, for only Gabe knows the day and hour that Half-Life 3 will be released unto us.

No matter how dark the world around us becomes, we shine brighter and brighter through Gabe’s flame; and the further His light shines to the outermost reaches of the Earth through the power of His award winning creations. Through the smoke and fire, through the war and terror, through the deceit and deception, we have persisted and will continue to follow Gabe. Let us not become prey for the wolves, stay close to Gabe and He will keep us safe from pre-release and launch day DLC, season passes, and unnecessary subscription charges. Our Savior has already bestowed onto us so many revolutionary concepts, innovating software and platforms, and gracious gifts, just imagine for a moment what He can continue to do for us; Believing in Him is all it takes.

Never lose faith, never lose hope, and never lose Gabe, so that our 5,000 may become 5,000,000.

Join me, join us, in our journey with Gabe.

Praise Gabe!

Church of Newellism reviews
"Go forth and spread the word of Gabe Newell, using these exquisite examples of excellence as your catalysts for Gabe's perfection. Praise Gabe."
Here are a few recent reviews by Church of Newellism
DatBoi Jan 8 @ 12:03pm 
My Volvo 'tis of thee, sweet land of Gabe Newell, all hail Gaben. He will rule the games, he will slay the Blizzard, and he shall not face defeat, or else he will fall to the bowels of Hell, and be executed by the demons
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman Dec 20, 2016 @ 9:11am 
Elect me as the Grand Wizard of the Church of Newellism!
funkym0hendO Nov 2, 2016 @ 5:03pm 
May I spread the good word of our almighty laws and savia GabeN
DatBoi Oct 29, 2016 @ 8:23am 
so the name Gabe Newell has 3 e's, 3 e- 2 e= 1e, what is the capital version of e? E, what is E backwards? 3! HL3 confirmed
Hetzy Aug 24, 2016 @ 5:07pm