No controller controls customization....

Sonic the Hedgehog fans remain an unsolved mystery to me... Every single one I've met has been an amazing human being; driven, creative and endlessly charismatic... stop laughing. I'm being serious. I've known some really great people who simply adore this franchise. And as a celebration of all things Sonic, this game epitomizes the enigma. This game is a mess.

We all know about the horrible controls, glitchy levels and cut scenes so cheezy you can smell them... right? I don't need to add to that? Please say I don't need to add that. Even grading on a handicap for being a very old game, Sonic Generations is amazingly cheap. It's like a Telsa Cybertruck. Every feature is somehow a bad idea, from the 3-D as 2-D levels with bad collision to the lack of depth perception in 3-D Worlds.It's honestly kind of incredible how fixable it should all be.

... is this art?! Is this Sega's CRITIQUE of games? Is that what I'm missing? If at any point I just saw it say, "By Banksy" I would get it. But this was sold for $30, this bought cars for people. I feel like I'm going crazy. I didn't even realize I OWNED this game until a Steam Randomizer suggested it. That is a 100% true story, may I be struck and killed and forced to play this terrible game for eternity if I'm lying. HOW?! What happened? Was I drunk!? Did I buy it on accident!? It doesn't say it was a gift.

Sonic the Hedgehog will be the thing which alien archaeologists find that will make them wonder if we ate our young. It feels like while Nintendo works (a bit) to make Mario their mascot with consistent but boring competent games, Sonic exists because Sega has entered into a pact with some elder god of trends and rapid output.

.... in the 90s I must have played Sonic 2 for over a hundred hours. It was the best game on the Genesis and I mean that as an insult. Sonic feels like a family relative who never goes away and shows up once a year to remind you why you're glad he's never around. I think back on my hours grooving to the Chemical Plant theme, I see the level kind of recreated here in all it's kludgey, hedgehog killing glory and wonder... was I loved as a child? Were any of us?

... now you know why we have Furries. Now you know why we're the best people. We are survivors!!

GO play another game