Decided to give this game another shot after watching the highly recommended Mad Max: Fury Road.
Lets just say I'm still scraping chrome off my teeth while watching 80's post-apocalyptic spaghetti schlock.
I have the PA shakes man! And I need another high-octane injection! Maybe I need RAGE?!
I believe it goes without saying that this console game in sheep's clothing is bad in every aspect, but I do believe that I could elaborate on some of the less noticeable yet inherently flawed design decisions that went into this trainwreck.
And if you're wondering about my credibility well, I'm pretty much a big deal. People know me.
I have played all the Call of Warfare shooting games on the xbone :D
tl;dr review: Drink gasoline instead.
Still want to lose some braincells wondering if RAGE wasn't such a pile of ♥♥♥♥ afterall?
Maybe you actually invested in some proper hipster ♥♥♥♥ and now have the bragging rights of pre-ordering this epitome of 21st century fine art?
Or maybe you don't need a brain? Like me! Well good for you! I got just the FPS for you!
Brace your tight pucker holes me lads dis gunna be guud! Good as in rectal cancer therapy.
The aesthetics are just how I want them; a gritty symbiosis of the best things in post-apocalyptic visuals; flesh and metal.
I'd even go as far as saying that RAGE looks like an id-soft game. Well it does look like a game.
I think that's why people bought it in the first place? They sure as hell fooled me! HA!
You notice the attention to detail here and there when see the craftsmanship that went into the textures... well when they finally manage to load... and if you don't move your FOV locked ♥♥♥♥ camera for a few seconds.
Well it looks great on screenshots, so that's one star from me at least! I also love the design of the various castes of enemies, if I ever were to survive an apocalypse I'd take a few fashion pointers from these guys!
Okay granted the first level was
made in the classic horseshoe shape and they did tie it nicely up with the zipline from A to B. And in the beginning you did
get a glimpse of where you were headed in a very Doom-esque way, but apart from that tiny movement in my pants I felt ...nothing. Apathy. After playing through the first level I suddenly understood what Heidegger meant with his concept of Nichts. As I was leaving the first level I got grabbed in the chokehold of an unescapeable scripted event. And I knew I was ready. Ready to end it all. Ready to uninstall.
The biomechanical heart of id soft is still buried somewhere here (I can feel it with the power of satan)... alas... it has stopped beating a long long time ago.
Hey speaking of beats!
Instead of a blasting metal soundtrack we get some sissy Skyrim ambiance to play to.
I don't remember the last time a Bethesda game had an actual soundtrack with rhythm, harmonics or a beat or just... anything.
It's just weird ambiance. But it makes for great funeral music to bury the FPS legacy to!
And RAGE makes a valiant attempt at turning the first sod on the grave. Rip. In. ♥♥♥♥ing. Peace.
That's what happends to any IP Bethesda buys; it gets chewed up and streamlined so their legion of bethesda♥♥♥♥ won't cry about not having enough buttons on their ♥♥♥♥ing xbone controllers. Yes I'm one of those guys
.le PC army gaaymer! with multiple graphics caaaards that's of no actual use other than giving micro-stutter that I have no brains to fix and to compensate for my tiny ♥♥♥♥... and definitely more than 8 gigs of ram... cuz you know... I need those amounts even tho I didn't bother to OC anything! cuz I have 128 cpu cores on my AMG intel i9000! PC MASTER RACE GAAAYMEEEEERZ!
Sorry I derailed a bit there. I have issues.
Bethesda always manages to give me the best feels in my pantaloons!
Give it to me gaming industry! Harder! HARDER!
The pacing of the game is horrible and you get a claustrophobic feeling of being held in the level designers grasp throughout the game. You never get rewarded for taking the beaten path because there is none. All progress is being made outside
of the "combat" levels through dialogue and tasks where you act as an errand boy. You want a run from A to B simulator? We got you covered! ♥♥♥♥♥!
Hey look you just shot some dudes that had submachineguns, too ♥♥♥♥ing bad you have to watch the guns slowly vanish into the ground! Yeah your not supposed to get that gun yet (then we'd had to think about difficulty balance and ♥♥♥♥!)!
It has to be -INTRODUCED- to you like every other basic thing like it's some ♥♥♥♥ing big deal.
And that's why you're given machinegun ammo before you get the weapon itself like you need something positive to look forward to, as if the ♥♥♥♥ that's going on isn't gratifying in itself. It shows that they knew the game was crap and they had to force a ramp on you like this. Like some ♥♥♥♥ing carrot ♥♥♥♥ dangling in front of you.
Seriously give me pistol bullets instead because I'm so bored I'm constantly firing my pistol (yes in my pants) when I have to listen to NPC dialogue. Oh and the cutscenes you can't skip those! IMMMEEERSIOOON.
NPC dialogues will prompt you for tasks to accept. Ah the illusion of choice how I love it! This ♥♥♥♥ing ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ NPC will stand in your way blocking your way forward until you accept his quest. Why even have an option to decline if it's the only way forward? We are not playing Skyrim you ♥♥♥♥wads ♥♥♥♥ your NPCs!
This garbage will still attempt to explain how to jump and crouch on nightmare mode.
I felt insulted to my very (extremely sexy in the multiple digits) intelligence so much that I will start a fisticuffs with any Bethesda employee if I ever meet one. So take heed and bear witness to my fury when I smite thee with my meat bicycle! (sorry had to mention BL somewhere, it's obligatory in rage reviews).
Everything gets fed to you like you have no will of your own - either through some (pretty good) voice-acted dialogue or some annoying immersion breaking popups. What a ♥♥♥♥ing themepark! Jump on everyone and get the ass♥♥♥♥ing of your lifetime!
Press X to Cancer
Yep there's even quicktime events in this piece of ♥♥♥♥.
And crafting, you gotta have crafting right?! One ♥♥♥♥ing word: GoatZ
Oh and looting is this best ♥♥♥♥ ever.
You have to look at the things you want to loot and hit the cancer button to grab it, cause you know that's IMMEEEERSIOOON, exactly the kinda thing you need in the middle of a ♥♥♥♥ing gunfight.
Games like Doom and Quake definitely got it wrong in those aspects if you ask Bethesda! Yeah it's not interesting enough to simply walk over ammo to pick it up, you have to press your fat cheeto fingers on it or you wouldn't know what the ♥♥♥♥ just occurred!
Okay RAGE is ♥♥♥♥ but the Combat is alright?
Sometimes when you shoot the enemies while they peak out from a corner they don't even flinch!
Like the leaning animation interferes with their ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ AI.
You know what AI is for? Nothing. It's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
You know kinda like a story in a FPS... wait who said that? Oh yeah John Carmack... Yeeaaaahhhh... look it up.
Seriously go install the classic Doom game right now and play it, that's all the "AI" you need for an interesting and dynamic shooter. If your gameplay still sucks it's because you hired a level designer who got knocked on the head with an xbone.
With that said I can only be optimistic for Doom 4! It's gonna be great! Remember to preorder guys! And buy the DLC!