The Cleaners - TF2 short film script - your advice?

[maantren]

Hey everyone,

I'm a professional writer who's been playing TF2 for years - mostly on Xbox 360, sob - and was recently inspired by Gabe's interviews on The Nerdist to pull this together. It's a short film script introducing 2 new characters and trying to encapsulate some of Valve's overall approach to the world. I'd love your feedback and advice (is it clear what's going on? Is it funny enough? What could you change?): you can read the first draft here in pdf form. My apologies if this is the wrong place to put this, I'll also post it in the Source Filmmaker forum.

(edit: it seems box.net is displaying the pdf in italics to some people. This is annoying. The downloaded pdf seems fine.)

Cheers

maantren

[ROYAL_CHAIRFORCE]

Read it.
Enjoyed it.

I think this has potential of turning out awesome if done right. Are you into the entire SFM thing? Because if so I'd greatly recommend giving this idea a shot.

[maantren]

Thanks, much appreciated. I've poked around SFM but it's pretty daunting, especially as The Cleaners would require a lot of rigging and facial work. The other thing I was looking at was a specific level to set it in, any suggestions?

[maantren]

Any further advice would be much appreciated - really just trying to find my feet with this one.