A 14-Step Plan for Valve to Release Half-Life 3 and Take Over the World
Do you know what I think would be the ultimate plan for Valve to unleash Half-Life 3 on the world? Here are 14 simple steps for Valve to give every gamer a heart attack.
Step 1 (late August, 2013): Announce a press conference that will "detail Valve's upcoming plans for the future of Steam and several key Valve franchises." Tell the gaming public that the press conference will happen at the end of September, so that the gaming community will have plenty of time to speculate about what will be announced.
Step 2 (September 30th, 2013): Host the previously announced press conference. Announce an update for Steam, which will add "Trading Pins", which can be combined and upgraded into Trading Cards, which can be combined and upgraded into Steam Badges. After that, tell the audience to prepare for the main event, and unveil what everyone has all been waiting for: Source 2, Valve's new proprietary game engine. Show off the engine's new fancy lighting effects, enhanced physics, and game-changing artificial intelligence. After everybody's jaws have dropped to the floor from Source 2's awesome graphics, announce the ultimate video game, the perfect game to show off the new engine: Left 4 Dead 3. At this point, people all over the world will begin to riot and shout "thy no maek hl3 grr, bycot valve 4ever!" Finish the press conference by announcing a new line of Left 4 Dead themed Team Fortress 2 hats to calm the gaming masses. End the press conference immedietely.
Step 3 (November 1st, 2013): "Accidentally" release three Half-Life related hats for Team Fortress 2 alongside the Left 4 Dead 3 ones.
Step 4 (mid November, 2013): Release Half-Life 2: Episode 3 on Steam as a free download. It will automatically appear in everybody's Steam Library. (However, the choice of whether to download it or not is theirs.) HL2ep3 will be short, but what's important is that it ends on a cliffhanger culminating in a black screen with the date "12/01/13". The internet crashes.
Step 5 (late November, 2013): The United Nations intervenes and restores the internet worldwide, just in time for December 1st.
Step 6 (December 1st, 2013): Host another press conference that goes exactly according to this plan: A man dressed as G-Man walks on stage, opens his briefcase, and reveals the logo for Half-Life 3 inside, along with the phrase "Prepare for unforseen consequences." G-Man walks offstage and the press conference ends.
Step 7 (mid January, 2014): Gabe Newell hosts a third and final press conference confirming that the release of Half-Life 3 will be September 30th, 2014. If you get this reference, you are win.
Step 8 (E3, 2014): Fully reveal Half-Life 3, along with a trailer and a playable demo. Also reveal that the game will have a post-single player co-op campaign. Also reveal that the game will have Day 1 Steam Workshop integration. Also reveal that the game will be the first game available to make use of the new Source 2 engine, before Left 4 Dead 3. Also reveal an online competetive multiplayer mode where you can play as various characters from the game. Also reveal that Gordon Freeman will continue to not speak.
Half-Life 3 wins the E3 Best of Show award.
Step 9 (September 1st, 2014): Formally announce the Steambox. Announce that the Steambox will ship alongside Half-Life 3 on September 30th. Also announce that the Steambox will ship with FREE, EXCLUSIVE HL3 DLC.
Step 10 (September 30th, 2014): Release Half-Life 3 and the Steambox into the wild. Gabe Newell becomes the world's first trillionaire.
Step 11 (November 1st, 2014): World Peace ensues.
Step 12 (November 15th, 2014): Gabe Newell is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize alongside the first ever Nobel Game Developer Prize. Jonathan Coulton announces his "World Peace Tour" to celebrate world peace and, more importantly, the release of Half-Life 3.
Step 13 (late January, 2015): Release Left 4 Dead 3. L4D3 sells well.
The "Valve can't count to 4" meme takes the internet by storm.
Step 14 (September 30th, 2470): Release Half-Life 4.
What about you guys? Do you like this plan? How do you think HL3 should be announced? :)
Last edited by revrad65
Jul 27, 2013 @ 6:56am