revrad65 Jul 26, 2013 @ 9:15pm
A 14-Step Plan for Valve to Release Half-Life 3 and Take Over the World
Do you know what I think would be the ultimate plan for Valve to unleash Half-Life 3 on the world? Here are 14 simple steps for Valve to give every gamer a heart attack.

Step 1 (late August, 2013): Announce a press conference that will "detail Valve's upcoming plans for the future of Steam and several key Valve franchises." Tell the gaming public that the press conference will happen at the end of September, so that the gaming community will have plenty of time to speculate about what will be announced.

Step 2 (September 30th, 2013): Host the previously announced press conference. Announce an update for Steam, which will add "Trading Pins", which can be combined and upgraded into Trading Cards, which can be combined and upgraded into Steam Badges. After that, tell the audience to prepare for the main event, and unveil what everyone has all been waiting for: Source 2, Valve's new proprietary game engine. Show off the engine's new fancy lighting effects, enhanced physics, and game-changing artificial intelligence. After everybody's jaws have dropped to the floor from Source 2's awesome graphics, announce the ultimate video game, the perfect game to show off the new engine: Left 4 Dead 3. At this point, people all over the world will begin to riot and shout "thy no maek hl3 grr, bycot valve 4ever!" Finish the press conference by announcing a new line of Left 4 Dead themed Team Fortress 2 hats to calm the gaming masses. End the press conference immedietely.

Step 3 (November 1st, 2013): "Accidentally" release three Half-Life related hats for Team Fortress 2 alongside the Left 4 Dead 3 ones.

Step 4 (mid November, 2013): Release Half-Life 2: Episode 3 on Steam as a free download. It will automatically appear in everybody's Steam Library. (However, the choice of whether to download it or not is theirs.) HL2ep3 will be short, but what's important is that it ends on a cliffhanger culminating in a black screen with the date "12/01/13". The internet crashes.

Step 5 (late November, 2013): The United Nations intervenes and restores the internet worldwide, just in time for December 1st.

Step 6 (December 1st, 2013): Host another press conference that goes exactly according to this plan: A man dressed as G-Man walks on stage, opens his briefcase, and reveals the logo for Half-Life 3 inside, along with the phrase "Prepare for unforseen consequences." G-Man walks offstage and the press conference ends.

Step 7 (mid January, 2014): Gabe Newell hosts a third and final press conference confirming that the release of Half-Life 3 will be September 30th, 2014. If you get this reference, you are win.

Step 8 (E3, 2014): Fully reveal Half-Life 3, along with a trailer and a playable demo. Also reveal that the game will have a post-single player co-op campaign. Also reveal that the game will have Day 1 Steam Workshop integration. Also reveal that the game will be the first game available to make use of the new Source 2 engine, before Left 4 Dead 3. Also reveal an online competetive multiplayer mode where you can play as various characters from the game. Also reveal that Gordon Freeman will continue to not speak.
Half-Life 3 wins the E3 Best of Show award.

Step 9 (September 1st, 2014): Formally announce the Steambox. Announce that the Steambox will ship alongside Half-Life 3 on September 30th. Also announce that the Steambox will ship with FREE, EXCLUSIVE HL3 DLC.

Step 10 (September 30th, 2014): Release Half-Life 3 and the Steambox into the wild. Gabe Newell becomes the world's first trillionaire.

Step 11 (November 1st, 2014): World Peace ensues.

Step 12 (November 15th, 2014): Gabe Newell is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize alongside the first ever Nobel Game Developer Prize. Jonathan Coulton announces his "World Peace Tour" to celebrate world peace and, more importantly, the release of Half-Life 3.

Step 13 (late January, 2015): Release Left 4 Dead 3. L4D3 sells well.
The "Valve can't count to 4" meme takes the internet by storm.

Step 14 (September 30th, 2470): Release Half-Life 4.





What about you guys? Do you like this plan? How do you think HL3 should be announced? :)
Last edited by revrad65; Jul 27, 2013 @ 6:56am
Showing 1-15 of 266 comments
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Warfbeard Jul 27, 2013 @ 5:00am 
I laughed
revrad65 Jul 27, 2013 @ 6:51am 
Originally posted by Ragewar:
I laughed

I'm really glad that you enjoyed it! Thanks for giving it a read. :)
Okay Jul 27, 2013 @ 8:45am 
Step 13 (late January, 2015): Release Left 4 Dead 3. L4D3 sells well.
The "Valve can't count to 4" meme takes the internet by storm.

Step 14 (September 30th, 2470): Release Half-Life 4.

LOLOL
revrad65 Jul 27, 2013 @ 9:05am 
Originally posted by Okay:
Step 13 (late January, 2015): Release Left 4 Dead 3. L4D3 sells well.
The "Valve can't count to 4" meme takes the internet by storm.

Step 14 (September 30th, 2470): Release Half-Life 4.

LOLOL

Thanks for the comment, Okay! I'm really glad that I was able to give you a laugh.

It was fun to, uh, make this up. Because this definitely isn't Valve's actual plan to release Half-Life 3. Because that would be crazy. And Valve would probably have assassinated me by n-

*collapses to the ground*
Dr3aM3R 80y Jul 27, 2013 @ 10:22am 
Loved the noble peace prize bit :D
Maroto el de la moto Jul 27, 2013 @ 12:26pm 
This is great, you didn't tell the step where Gabe Newell becomes the president of the World and he is voted as the first person to become God, but it's ok, that'll come later.
StasisCan (KingOfDerps) Jul 27, 2013 @ 5:55pm 
Valve should just completely disband, and in the abandoned office building, a single copy of Half Life 3 just lying there on gabe's desk.
revrad65 Jul 27, 2013 @ 6:57pm 
Originally posted by Dr3aM3R 80y:
Loved the noble peace prize bit :D

Thanks. I had a lot of fun writing this. Can you tell? :)

Originally posted by KingOfDerps:
Valve should just completely disband, and in the abandoned office building, a single copy of Half Life 3 just lying there on gabe's desk.

If life was a video game, this would be the unlockable sad ending.
ZnaZanZ[ooooooo] Jul 27, 2013 @ 7:57pm 
Step 14 sucks.
revrad65 Jul 28, 2013 @ 10:54am 
Originally posted by mr ZanZibar:
Step 14 sucks.

Yes, yes it does. Valve time, man.
NeoN42 Jul 28, 2013 @ 12:16pm 
For that plan to work, wouldn't Valve need to follow a different plan to avoid being noticed using your plan, making Half Life 3 not a surprise?
King Nothing Jul 28, 2013 @ 12:33pm 
Step 6 would be awesome at any time!
revrad65 Jul 28, 2013 @ 1:47pm 
Originally posted by pipposaur:
For that plan to work, wouldn't Valve need to follow a different plan to avoid being noticed using your plan, making Half Life 3 not a surprise?

But that's just what you think Valve is going to do. Therefore, by following this plan they will surprise you even more.

Who knows? Maybe I'm an undercover Valve employee preparing to launch the official HL3 ARG? (I'm not, but still.)

Originally posted by King Nothing:
Step 6 would be awesome at any time!

Even if Valve just did this step, it would still be awesome. :)
Shy Anime Girl Jul 28, 2013 @ 5:00pm 
You must work for EA
>EXCLUSIVE HL3 DLC
>new proprietary game engine
>memes
please leave
The Rookie Jul 28, 2013 @ 5:06pm 
Good one! Might work. Excpet for the UN intervention thing.
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