Play as two of gaming's most disturbing and realistic criminals; Lynch – a self medicated psychopath - and Kane - a disillusioned and desperate ex-mercenary, in a gritty and brutal crime shooter from IO Interactive.
Today's review was brought to you by the letter "G"... as in garbage! Could we have an example, please? Ah, Kane and Lynch! How have you two been? It's been crazy since your first game came out? What all new do you have in store for us in this game? You'll be naked? Covered in blood? That sounds amazing! Why didn't I think of that! All parody aside, Kane and Lynch 2 is precisely the opposite of what Half-Life 2 is... it takes what was originally bad in Dead Men, and makes it approximately ten times worse. I've noticed a lot of people belly-ache about the short single-player campaign, and I don't have a problem with it's length for two reasons. One: it's the same damn length as Dead Men. Why not just complain about both games at the same time and save breath? And two: there are great games that can be played in four to five hours. Just look at Portal! I guess I'm not making a good case for this game. I really do hate it. Because if you thought the story was forced, disjointed, and confusing in Dead Men- Dog Days is even worse. Sure, the story would make sense on paper, but the way the game is layed out, has the game feel like this constant intense shooter with no breaks whatsoever. I actually laughed very hard when Kane and Lynch sat down for almost 7 seconds to eat some Chinese food, thinking, "Wow! A quiet moment in this game!?" when out-of-the-blue a squad of the Japanese quivalent to SWAT. In fact, I think Kane and Lynch have become even worse characters in this installment. Kane has absolutely no personality left over from his grumbling days in Dead Men, and Lynch is even more annoying and prone to drawing out a level's length because, "Oh no! They've got Xiu! I do wish we can save her!" even though I've seen her a total of 5 seconds before everything went to hell, and have no emotional attachment to her. If you thought that the graphics and level design were crap in Dead Men, just WAIT until you see Dog Days! I've never played a game that actually hurt my eyes while playing! This is the first time I actually would have to pause the game and close my eyes for a few good seconds before returning to the game because it's so damn disorienting! The shaky cam when you run doesn't help, but the bright lights that are enhanced in-game by lens flares pop out against the greys of the rest of the design and legitimately were painful to look at. I can't be more serious about what I just said. Beyond the first few levels that have this flaw, the many others afterwards are just... boring. All the levels are linear but the latter ones have no color pallet other than "gray". Everything in this game is gray and just not interesting to look at. But of all the things I detest in K&L2, I think the crowning piece of crap that trumps all the other turds in this game is the actual gameplay. The one thing that is improved- one thing- is the crappy tactical aspect in Dead Men. Gone are the days of babysitting your partner and waiting for them to heal you when you've been shot down. But everything else is worse. Sure I can hit a cover button now instead of approaching a wall in a strange fashion! Great! But how long does it take for Kane or Lynch to actually take cover? Not long enough. I raged in my review of Dead Men on how I hated that a helicopter could shoot through my solid concrete cover. Well now any enemy with a semi-decent pistol can shoot through the solid-steel statue base I hid behind. Well done, Eidos. Well done indeed. But even without the dumb tactical aspect of gameplay gone, the AI is the worst yet, ranging from blindingly stupid enemies, to irritatingly smart enemies. Some will stand with a gun pointed at your head, unable to recall how to fire a trigger and others- the sneaky little ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥s- will creep behind your cover while focused on another side of the map (falsely assuming they're dead after shooting their bodies about thirty times or so), and they will execute you with one well-placed unseen shot. Avoid this game like the plague. I know how much hate I've thrown onto the Ankh games and... well, yes, they do suck. But this game is so much worse. It embodies all the things that can aggravate me in the middle of the game, and saturates it to a mind-numbingly high level. If you or a loved one has played Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days, please contact your physician as soon as possible. Help is on the way for you.